Addressing the correct way to write a widow's name on an envelope

Lillie-Beth Brinkman, Callie Athey and Helen Ford Wallace
·3 min read

QUESTION: Are there new etiquette rules regarding how to address the mail envelope of a widowed woman? Should it be like “Mrs. John Smith” or "Mrs. Sondra Smith” or "Ms. Sondra Smith?”

CALLIE’S ANSWER: The most common is addressing one as "Mrs." It is seen as more old-fashioned to address by husband’s first name and last name plus the prefix “Mrs.” For example, “Mrs. John Doe” rather than just “Mrs. Doe” or “Mrs. Jane Doe” (by using her own first name). Safest bet is to go with simply “Mrs. Doe,” if you do not know.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: We could have long discussions about how to address people these days; proper etiquette has expanded to include the many different ways people relate to each other. To me, that’s a good thing because it takes into account people as individuals and not necessarily due to their married status or professional status. The traditional way of doing things — Mrs. John Smith — is still very proper and acceptable, but it’s OK to take her preference into account, so Mrs. Sondra Smith or Ms. Sondra Smith is acceptable as well.

If I am remembering correctly, I believe a long-ago, old-fashioned way of doing things was once addressing divorced women as Mrs. [Maiden Name] [Married Name] but that is awkward and confusing, and the etiquette standard bearer the Emily Post Institute doesn’t include that on its list anymore.

The point of addressing an envelope is to make sure it gets to the intended recipient. Just now I enjoyed reading all the ways that the Emily Post Institute suggested addressing each other, as it truly reflects the interesting diversity of families we have today. It’s a long list and available at emilypost.com, but it addresses questions like what if the woman is a doctor and her husband is not or if she holds a military title? What if both are doctors? What if you have same-sex couples? (Use Mr. and Mr. Smith or try The Messrs. Smith, to use the example for men, depending on preference.) What if a married woman uses “Ms.” and her maiden name? (There are different ways to handle this.) What if one person identifies as nonbinary — neither male nor female — so neither “Mr.” or “Mrs.” applies? (In that case, I learned that “Mx.” is a universal salutation that can be used by anyone.)

In looking over this, I love how our etiquette can expand to include new ways of relating to each other while treating people with respect. Modern-day etiquette still recognizes a traditional family by accepting the traditional titles, but it also is much more inclusive of families who have taken a different path. It also does a better job of recognizing women as a person apart from a husband than traditional etiquette did. One key part of etiquette is respecting others’ different journeys, and what better way to begin that than through how we address each other?

HELEN’S ANSWER: The proper way to address the envelope still seems to be “Mrs. John Smith.” But, you can simply ask the widow her preference. Many women, including some in the corporate world, prefer to be addressed by their first names. Some like Mrs. and some like Ms.

GUEST’S ANSWER: Patti Leeman, community volunteer: Addressing envelopes has become a bit more casual in this century, but according to the Emily Post listings, the acceptable address for a widow is Mrs. John Kelly. If you don’t know the widow’s preference, this is the traditional and preferred form, emilypost.com states. Also, Mrs. Jane Kelly and Ms. Jane Kelly are options. Reading on, it looks as if Emily is more concerned with having the correct location on the envelope than the title of the widow, as in "When you are in doubt, write it out."

Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.

This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: 20-40-60 etiquette: Have rules changed on addressing a widow on mail?