Ahoy, Mateys, These 70 Pirate Jokes *Arrrr* as Good as Buried Treasure

Captain Blackbeard and his crew may not agree, but there's no treasure greater than a good old punchline, which is why we're fishing out the best pirate jokes—all the way from Davy Jones' locker. If you're big on jokes—good, clean jokes, corny jokes, or even bad dad jokes—then you will certainly appreciate humorous pirate puns.

From eye patches to wooden legs, go no further because X marks the spot! Ye be warned, here are 70 thrilling pirate jokes.

And if you still find yourself on the hunt for more buried treasure in the form of pirate-related content, mateys, read up on how to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean movies in order.

70 Best Pirate Jokes

1. How do you save a dying pirate?

Answer: C-P-arrrrrrr

2. What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school?

Answer: Captain Hook-y!

3. What does a pirate name his dog?

Answer: The Plank. That's why he's always walking The Plank.

4. Why can’t the pirates fire their weapons on Saturdays?

Answer: They only cannon Sundays!

5. What do you call 3.14 men out at sea?

Answer: 'Pi’-rates

6. How do ye turn a pirate furious?

Answer: Take away the “p.”

7. Why is pirating so addictive? 

Answer: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

8. Who gets all their movies for free?

Answer: Pirates

9. Have you heard any good pirate jokes? Neither have ayeeee.

10. What's a pirate's favorite music genre?

Answer: Arrrrrr & B

11. How do pirates communicate?

Answer: Aye to aye!

12. How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?

Answer: An arm and a leg

13. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?

Answer: He got marooned.

14. How does a pirate know they're a pirate? 

Answer: They think, therefore they arrrrrrr!

15. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Answer: Because they can spend years at C.

16. What do you call a pirate mutiny? 

Answer: A conspira-sea!

17. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? 

Answer: They’ll just wash up on shore later.

18. Where do pirates go for a drink?

Answer: The sandbar

19. How did the pirate get such a good price?

Answer: He bought it on sail.

20. What's a pirate's favorite school subject?

Answer: Arrrrrr-t

21. What kind of phone does a pirate have?

Answer: An aye phone

22. Why are pirates always so healthy?

Answer: They get such a good dose of vitamin sea.

23. Where can ye find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Answer: Right where ye left him!

24. What's a pirate's favorite musical instrument?

Answer: The guit-arrrr

25. Why did the pirate go to the Apple store?

Answer: He needed a new iPatch.

26. Why do pirates love binge-watching shows?

Answer: They get hooked.

27. Why did the captain wear a suit and tie?

Answer: He had a cor-pirate meeting.

28. Pirates are great at solving math problems. They are always trying to find out where X is.

29. What do you call a selfish pirate?

Answer: Extremely arrrr-ogant

30. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?

Answer: A pumpkin patch

31. What did the pirate say about his girlfriend?

Answer: "She had me at 'Ahoy!"

32. Pirates make the best singers. They can hit the high sea notes with ease.

33. What does a pirate use a cell phone for?

Answer: Booty calls

34. What's a pirate's favorite song?

Answer: No song in particular—just the hook.

35. How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?

Answer: A buck-an-ear

36. What did the pirate Santa Claus say?

Answer: Row, row, row!

37. What's a pirate's favorite camera brand?

Answer: Cannon

38. Why didn't the ammo leave the pirate's gun?

Answer: It got stuck in the barrel.

39. Why did the alcoholic pirate stop drinking? 

Answer: Because he’d rum out!

40. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?

Answer: A rookie!

41. Why did the pirate go on vacation?

Answer: He needed a little arrrr and arrr.

42. Why do pirates live life to the fullest?

Answer: They know how to seas the day.

43. What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian?

Answer: Aye matey years old!

44. Why did the pirate get lost?

Answer: He wasn't shore which way to go.

45. What kind of grades did the pirate get in school?

Answer: High Cs.

46. Why did the pirate always regale the crew with stories of his youth?

Answer: Those were his most treasured memories.

47. Why did you join a band of pirates? 

Answer: Pier pressure.

48. What would you call a pirate with 4 eyes?

Answer: An iiiirate.

49. Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate?

Answer: Because he was standing on the deck.

50. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 

Answer: A nervous wreck.

51. What’s a pirate’s favorite type of exercise?

Answer: The plank!

52. When do pirates remove the anchor?

Answer: At the kraken of dawn.

53. When do pirates get to eat cake?

Answer: When they reach a dessert island.

54. What does a vegan pirate do in jail?

Answer: St-arrrrr-ve.

55. Why was the pirate sad when his parrot left?

Answer: It gave him the cold shoulder! 

56. Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?

Answer: Because booty is only shin deep.

57. Where do one-legged pirates go for brunch?

Answer: IHOP!

58. Why did the pirate pull out of the stock market? 

Answer: He was in shark-invested waters!

59. What do you call a pirate obsessed with drinking sea water?

Answer: An aqua-holic

60. Where do pirates keep their valuables?

Answer: In a jarrrrr

61. What did the pirate say when he left his wooden leg in the freezer? 

Answer: Shiver me timbers!

62. Why did the pirate want to run a marathon?

Answer: He was sure his legs wood work.

63. What do you call a stupid pirate?

Answer: The pillage idiot

64. Do pirates enjoy fighting?

Answer: Sword of...

65. What did the pirate's landlord say when he was evicted?

Answer: Get out, you free-looter!

66. What did the pirate want to be when he grew up?

Answer: He said he always wanted to be an arrr-chitect.

67. What do you call it when two pirates call it a draw? 

Answer: A stale-matey!

68. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Answer: A carrot

69. Why’d the pirate join the gym?

Answer: To improve his booty

70. How come you can never call a pirate?

Answer: They always leave their phones off the hook.

Next up, 200 funny jokes for kids and families.