I am a Veteran who carries survivor’s guilt, knowing others gave all: Opinion
There have been times when I have wished I had served in Vietnam. There have been many more times that I have found myself glad that I did not.
Graduating from high school in 1966, I, and many others my age, faced some serious decisions. We could go to college; we could volunteer for the military; we could wait to be drafted; we could go to Canada. My best friend and I were initially eager to join and fight and visited an Army recruiter in our hometown of Corbin, Kentucky. We told him we wanted to serve in the war as helicopter pilots. His response may have saved our lives.
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“There is no way I’m going to let you do that,” he said, “I know your parents. The life expectancy of a helicopter pilot in Vietnam is about 15 minutes,” and he encouraged us to go join the Air Force. We did.
For those of us who ended up serving in the military during that war, there were a few possibilities. We could do well on aptitude and skills tests, and thus improve our chances of not ending up in the mud of Vietnam with an M-16. Whatever our scores on the tests, we could also still volunteer for Southeast Asia.
I scored well enough and eventually decided that I did not want to volunteer for Vietnam because I didn’t want to die or to kill anyone. The Air Force sent me to serve in Washington state and Turkey as a surgical technician. Thus, I avoided the fate of those who were drafted, and those who volunteered for Vietnam, many of whom later came home and struggled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, alcohol and drug abuse, homelessness and suicide. Many of them were very angry because they felt they’d been used, and the lives of their fellow soldiers were wasted.
Survivor’s guilt
At the time I was pleased that I didn’t have to fight. But we survivors have had to account for our own actions and decisions. Ever since the war, I’ve carried survivor’s guilt. It’s difficult to explain why I feel this way, but sometimes I can’t help but imagine that if I had gone, somebody else would not have had to suffer or die.
A high school classmate of mine, Matt Stewart, was killed in Vietnam. His squad had held a position, and had been ordered to move. They later returned to their original position, only to be hit with mortar and rocket shelling. Matt died in the attack.
My survivor’s guilt runs rampant when I visit his grave. He was a sweet soul in high school. Everyone liked him. I hold his memory dear. His plan, as best I know it, was to pull his tour of duty, and then return to the states to get a job. He died the week before his 21st birthday.
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Fighting to what end?
Vietnam was like all other wars in that the young who fought them suffered the most. None of the politicians were held accountable.
The lasting effects of that war are that we know that we can’t win all wars. And yet we have found ourselves fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and to what end?
We have raised up and used a new generation of warriors who have to deal with PTSD, homelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicide.
This Veterans’ Day let us remember all who have served and thank them. Whether they served in Vietnam, Korea, World War II or the Middle East they did their part. That goes for those who served in combat and those who didn’t.
Edmund Shelby is a retired eastern Kentucky journalist. During his career, he won more than 25 awards for investigative and service journalism from the Kentucky Press Association and is also a past president of the KPA. His new book "Graduating Present: The Vietnam War and the Class of ‘66," which was published earlier this year by Motes Books.
This article originally appeared on Louisville Courier Journal: I am a Veteran who carries survivor’s guilt, knowing others gave all
