Amanda Kloots has had many difficult days over the past three months, as her husband, Broadway star Nick Cordero, has remained hospitalized in the ICU, battling complications from the coronavirus.
But even after standing by as he faced surgery, several close calls and a constant roller coaster of good news followed by bad, this week she experienced one of the toughest days so far — not simply because of Cordero’s condition, but also because of the complicated feelings it stirred up for her concerning her own faith.
“I had a hard day today. I cried all day basically,” Kloots shared in a series of posts to her Instagram stories late Monday night. “I got mad today too. I got mad at God. I’m praying and I have people all over the world praying. I said to my mom and dad, ‘why can’t He throw us a bone. I’m sorry but I’m mad at him right now.’”
She added that she “felt bad” right after expressing that, but she also recognized that those feelings “needed to come out.”
“Believing in God doesn’t mean you can’t question what is happening. Why things happen?” she wrote. “Why my prayers aren’t being answered in my time. I was taught that it is OK to question things in life. I think, in being brave enough to say it out loud, (it) actually acknowledges the fear that you have deep down inside you. And, of course, I have it. It’s impossible not to.”
Especially considering all that she’s seen her husband go through since he contracted the virus.
Cordero, 41, was hospitalized in March at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, and the following month, his right leg was amputated after developing dangerous blood clots during treatment. He’s suffered repeated lung infections, and he has had to fight off blood infections that have caused lingering blood pressure problems for the actor.
And so, considering the strain of it all, on Monday, she “broke big time” — “at home, at the hospital in front of doctors and while sitting next to Nick. I couldn’t keep it together.”
But her fans and followers on Instagram are used to seeing the fitness guru somehow beaming with optimism despite it all — and they’ll soon see that again.
“So how do you overcome it and stay positive?” she mused. “I acknowledge the day I had. It’s OK. It’s OK to cry, to get mad and say it’s not fair. I will keep my faith and keep asking for miracles. I will put my armor back on and walk taller tomorrow. I will do the best I can do and make myself as big as I can.”
That’s a vow to herself, to Cordero and to everyone following their story.
“This, these 89 days now, have been tough,” she added. “I broke today. I’ll be back tomorrow.”