Amazon opens store at Orlando mall … after helping destroy Orlando malls | Commentary
When I first heard Amazon was opening stores inside local malls, it broke my brain a bit.
Amazon, after all, was envisioned as the anti-mall — a way for you to avoid the hassle of schlepping to a mall and instead shop at home in your skivvies from a wider selection with cheaper prices.
People loved it. In fact, Amazon is a big part of the reason you can smack a 2-iron through the middle of my once-beloved Fashion Square Mall without hitting any customers some days
Yet Amazon just opened its first two stores in Florida malls this month — including one at Orlando’s (spellcheck-challenged) Mall at Millenia.
It was as if Amazon, having succeeded in killing off malls all over America, wanted to return to the scene of the crime to gloat.
The theme of these “4-star” stores is that most of the products sold earned at least 4 out of 5 stars in customer reviews.
I was curious to see what it was like. So my wife and I trekked down to Conroy Road Monday to check it out.
My official review: It’s fine.
It was clean and well-staffed. And there were some interesting things … like the $15.24 Snotsucker. (More on that in a moment. I want to give you time to prepare your gag reflex.)
But really, it’s just a store — not much different than any other mall store you’ve visited, making the latest advancement in consumerism a throwback to 1985.
Except this store is one big sales pitch for Jeff Bezos.
Amazon Prime members — those who already pay $119 a year for free shipping and access to Amazon’s movie, TV and book library — get better prices on many of the things in the store.
Prime members, for instance, pay $129 for Apple airpods at the Amazon store. (That’s the same price Best Buy charges.) Non-Prime plebeians pay $159.
But the Amazon sales pitch doesn’t stop there. Chipper store clerks told us that if we spent at least $10, we could get $10 off a future Amazon order … if it’s placed on Amazon’s special Prime days of Oct. 13 or 14.
That seemed very specific. And I didn’t go down there with the intention of buying anyth … OMG IS THAT A 22-OUNCE, 150-HOUR SPICED PUMPKIN YANKEE CANDLE FOR $15?!?!
My wife asked me why we needed a 22-ounce spiced pumpkin candle.
“Because the temperatures here just plummeted down to 87,” I responded. “And it’s time for autumnal decorating.”
My wife questioned my casual use of the word “autumnal” but not the deal on the candle. We paid $15.88 for a Yankee Candle that Yankee Candle sells for $29.50.
Oddly, though, the price of the candles varied depending upon the scent. The same-size Midsummer’s Night one (with notes of patchouli and sage) costs $5 more than the pumpkin one, even for Prime members, and a whopping $11 more for those who are sub-Prime. So, shop carefully.
Also, the Amazon sales pitches are everywhere. We couldn’t even pay for our delightful autumnal candle until we’d first passed on the pitch for Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited plan for $9.99 a month.
If I had to sum up the feel of the Amazon 4-star store, it reminds me of the old “As Seen on TV” shops where a gazillion unrelated products — everything from blenders and board games to vacuums and vases — have been crammed into one place.
Which brings us to the Snotsucker.
My wife first spied the Snotsucker. I knew nothing about it, except that it had to be a 4-star Snotsucker, since it was sold in the store. (4.5 stars to be precise.)
It’s apparently a tube. You stick one end into a baby’s nose and the other end in your mouth … and you proceed to suck out baby’s snot.
If you’re reading this over breakfast, I apologize.
A filter allegedly stops the snot from entering Mom or Dad’s mouth. But since both of our babies are now in college — and since the concept still made me want to retch — we took a hard pass on the Snotsucker.
But we did check out a glare-free, waterproof Kindle reader my wife was eyeing for poolside reading and were able to discuss the product ($129.99 with no discount for Prime members) with a sales associate in a way we couldn’t online.
In other words: Amazon’s mall store allowed us to shop the way we used to shop … before Amazon came along and put many of those stores that allowed us to shop that way out of business.
Like many families, we already use Amazon for household basics — light bulbs, printer cartridges, college textbooks, socks and N95 masks. But I still like to patronize locally owned businesses for things like shoes, hardware, books and art. I like to try out the products and ask questions — which is apparently what Amazon realized. The irony is rich. It’s fascinating to see retail sales come full circle.
In summary, I’m not sure I need to make another special trip to an Amazon’s 4-star store — and certainly not if there was a line to get in, which is sometimes the case.
But if I was strolling through the mall anyway, I’d probably go inside just to look around. Because you never know if you might find a good deal on a Snotsucker or autumnal-themed candle.
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