Chrissy Teigen is being candid about her "cancel club" membership after her history of cyberbullying resurfaced, leading the model and TV personality to publicly apologize.
In an Instagram post Wednesday, Teigen shared she was in limbo and didn't "really know what to say here."
"Just feels so weird to pretend nothing happened in this online world but feel like utter (expletive) in real life. Going outside sucks and doesn’t feel right, being at home alone with my mind makes my depressed head race," she wrote alongside a photo of her legs on a couch.
The cookbook author said she felt "lost" and wanted to stop pretending like everything's OK.
Teigen's exposure of online bullying and mean tweets began in May when she was called out for publicly harassing Courtney Stodden, who was told to kill themself when they were 16. In June, Teigen came under fire after fashion designer Michael Costello claimed Teigen and her stylist friend Monica Rose made sure he lost out on professional opportunities and that he contemplated suicide as a result.
Teigen's track record of bullying also included mean tweets directed at Avril Lavigne, Lindsay Lohan and Republican politician Sarah Palin.
Weeks after the tweets resurfaced, the mom of two shared a lengthy blog post condemning her actions, but has maintained that Costello's accusations were fabricated.
Even with Teigen's apology, the controversy has impacted her career. She stepped away from her cleaning supplies company, Safely, in June and was recently replaced by Gigi Hadid as Paxton's narrator in Season 2 of Netflix's "Never Have I Ever."
Now, she says she's figuring out how to navigate being canceled.
"Cancel club is a fascinating thing and I have learned a whollllle lot. Only a few understand it and it’s impossible to know til you’re in it," Teigen continued in her Instagram post. "And it’s hard to talk about it in that sense because obviously you sound whiney when you’ve clearly done something wrong. It just sucks. There is no winning."
Teigen added that she missed and loved her followers and needed an "honest moment" where she could share how she was feeling because she couldn't suffer in silence any longer.
"I don’t even know if it’s good to say any of this because it’s gonna get brutally picked apart but I dunno," Teigen wrote. "If you or someone you know has also been cancelled please let me know if there is a cancel club reunion because I could use some time off my couch! Thank u and goodbye I love u."
Contributing: Jenna Ryu, Charles Trepany
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Chrissy Teigen talks 'cancel club' status: 'It just sucks'