Anti-vaccination dentist had a plan, a ridiculous one involving a fake arm, but still a plan

Finally, an anti-vaxxer I can respect.

Up until now there has been no color in the movement. Screaming on social media has become boring and in today’s America, fabricating zany conspiracy theories doesn’t even get you noticed anymore.

Oh sure, bleach and Ivermectin have had their moments, but there has been no “Animal House”-like flashpoint, like where Otter stands up and says, “No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.”

Until now.

In Italy, a dentist tried to avoid tough new immunization mandates going into effect this week by wearing a fake arm to a vaccination clinic. No question, that raises the bar. Officials said the arm looked “very similar” to actual flesh and bone, but like most all hare-brained schemes the plan had some flaws.

Most notably, he was an Italian with a typical Italian complexion, but the arm was discernibly lighter in color. So here’s the lesson, kids. If you are an Italian shopping for a fake arm, don’t buy your prosthetic from a company in Sweden, you know what I’m saying? You may get a better price, but this is an area in which you do not want to skimp.

I sort of blame the guy’s wife. This is where it’s her job to step in and say “Look Nunzio, remember what happened when you thought you could save a few bucks by hiring the dry cleaner to replace the brakes on the Fiat? Same thing’s going to happen here.”

The second problem was that the fake arm was about 40 degrees cooler than an arm that, say, had blood running through it. The arm also has a texture less like a human and more like Gumby.

So a nurse is going to notice these things, and sure enough she did. Not to mention what would have happened if she’s jabbed him with the needle and seen silicone running out.

But just the sheer idiocy has to be worth something.

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Besides, it’s been too long since prosthetics were in the news. You have to go all the way back to 2005 when Minnesota running back Onterrio Smith tried to beat a drug test by using the Whizzinator.

The news stories I read about the fake arm were pitifully short on details. Like, was the guy really missing an arm or did he literally have one arm tied behind his back? And how are you supposed to present a silicone arm to the nurse? Do you just flop it up there on the counter? Do you lift it with your other hand? I’d imagine that he had to practice a lot — so think about that: For probably a week there was some dentist in Italy standing in front of a mirror considering the best ways to maneuver a prosthetic. It probably became part of his routine: shower; shave; play with fake arm. Nothing odd about that.

The other question that needs to be asked is — what is it with dentists? They are supremely talented, I grant you, but they all have something a little sideways going on. They either ride Harleys, or raise chinchillas or collect unexploded Civil War ordnance, or something. It was a Minnesota dentist who made headlines in 2015 for going to Africa and killing the beloved Cecil the Lion.

I guess staring into the hideous collective maw of the global citizenry would leave you needing some kind of outlet, but still.

According to The Washington Post, the Italian dentist “admitted to wanting a health certificate known as a green pass" and tried to persuade the nurse to issue one to him after he was found out, which she declined.

So he was a double failure. He couldn’t fake his arm and he couldn’t twist hers.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Italian dentist tries fake arm to avoid new vaccination mandate