Listening to Ariana Grande songs may be heaven for her fans, but performing them is “hell” for the singer.
The pop star, who released two deeply personal albums back to back within six months, revealed the toll on her well-being of belting them out each night on tour.
Grande kept it extremely candid with fans on social media Thursday as she discussed the ups and downs of mining her personal traumas for songwriting material.
The “7 Rings” singer’s life has been rocked by a terrorist bombing outside her May 2017 concert in Manchester, England, and the September 2018 death of her ex-boyfriend, rapper Mac Miller. Shortly after Miller’s death from an accidental overdose, Grande called off her whirlwind engagement to “Saturday Night Live” star Pete Davidson.
When a fan tweeted at Grande, “Music is your therapy and I love seeing it heal you,” she revealed that her life was not as sweet as it might seem, even though her albums are sitting pretty at the top of the charts.
“Making it is healing,” the Grammy winner replied to the fan in a since-deleted tweet captured by E! News. “Performing it,” she added, “is like reliving it all over again and it is hell.”
Fans immediately responded with love, encouraging Grande to take all the time she needs for the sake of her mental health. Some said they “wouldn’t be mad” if she scrapped the tour she kicked off in March promoting her two hit albums “Sweetener” and “thank u, next.”
The tour has stops scheduled worldwide through October. Grande also wrapped up a tour-de-force performance at Coachella over the weekend with special guests *NSYNC and Nicki Minaj.
She insisted she’ll continue her tour, despite the pain.
“I just am sharing. it’s hard and i’m trying and my soul is confused and tired and i love u,” she wrote on Twitter. In another tweet, she added: “i just feel empty and i wanna have more to say / better energy to give to u and rn i don’t have anything. love u.”
i just feel empty and i wanna have more to say / better energy to give to u and rn i don’t have anything. love u. 🖤— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) April 18, 2019
Grande noted that her performing schedule does have a positive side, because “having a routine is good for ptsd.”
Grande has opened about post-traumatic stress disorder she has been suffering since the Manchester bombing.
“It’s hard to talk about because so many people have suffered such severe, tremendous loss. But, yeah, [the PTSD is] a real thing,” Grande said back in 2018. She added: “I feel like I shouldn’t even be talking about my own experience – like I shouldn’t even say anything. I don’t think I’ll ever know how to talk about it and not cry.”
Last week she shared brain scans that she suggested show PTSD damage.
Grande revealed she’s considering tweaking the set list for her tour in coming weeks. Her performances have been featuring songs like “No Tears Left To Cry,” which is dedicated to the Manchester victims, and “thank u, next,” which mentions all of her exes, including Miller, by name.
“i’m not going anywhere,” she assured fans. “and if it gets to a point where i need to, i’ll tell u. i love seeing u and would never trade it for anything.”
- This article originally appeared on HuffPost.