'Asset Tay': Fox News' Jesse Watters ruins Taylor Swift psy-op unit meant to reelect Biden

TO: All members, Biden Administration Top-Secret Taylor Swift Psychological Operations Unit

SUBJECT: THEY HAVE FIGURED US OUT – DESTROY ALL DOCUMENTS!

Dear Psy-Op Swiftie Joes:

As you may have heard, our cover has been blown. The right-wing media recently figured out we are using pop star Taylor Swift as an asset to swing the presidential election to President Joe Biden.

We’re not sure how they caught on to our methods, though we suspect Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, might have been acting via a mole in our ranks to tarnish the reputation of Ms. Swift, aka “Asset Tay.” This is a Code Red (Taylor’s Version).

Word got out via Fox News’ Jesse Watters, who said on his show this week: “Well, around four years ago, the Pentagon psychological operations unit floated turning Taylor Swift into an asset during a NATO meeting. What kind of asset? A psy-op for combatting online misinformation.”

He then showed a clip of a 2019 conference in Estonia in a which a speaker brought up Ms. Swift and noted that “social influence can help encourage or promote behavior change.”

That led Watters to conclude: “Yeah, that’s real. The Pentagon’s psy-op unit pitched NATO on turning Taylor Swift into an asset.”

As you all know, the speaker was Alicia Marie Bargar, a research engineer at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory who had no connection to NATO or the U.S. government. At least not until we forced her to change her name and become lead engineer on the Taylor Swift Left-Wing-Radicalization Ray Gun project, which Fox News fortunately has yet to find out about.

Watters went on to say of Ms. Swift: “She’s all right, but I mean, have you ever wondered why or how she blew up like this?”

The Fox News host’s guest, former FBI agent Stuart Kaplan, said: “It is possible that Taylor Swift, quite frankly, does not know that she’s being utilized in a covert manner to swing voters.”

While Watters is completely wrong about the origins of Operation T. Swizzle, and while Kaplan sounds like the burger has slid off his bun, they each presented information in the far-right’s preferred format: Suggesting a woman couldn’t possibly become successful through her own talent and intelligence and implying that powerful men are controlling her behind the scenes.

Fox News viewers and supporters of Donald Trump will eat this up. Just ask Vice President Kamala Harris.

We have dispatched the Pentagon to help, and a spokesperson cleverly told Politico that “as for this conspiracy theory, we are going to shake it off.”

Bargar, whom you all know as Ms. Donna Kelce over on the ray gun project, talked to Task & Purpose and said of her 2019 comments: “I have no connection to the Pentagon. Taylor Swift was an incidental example of a famous person to explain a social network analysis concept to the audience.”

Still, the executive board of the Top-Secret Taylor Swift Psychological Operations Unit – Barack Obama, George Soros, Oprah and Hillary Clinton – have decided too much is at risk, so we have been given the order to immediately disband and find another way to encourage young people to register to vote, which is apparently a devious thing to do.

Please put all original drafts of Ms. Swift’s songs that we wrote for her in the incinerator, along with the receipts for the more than $1 billion in Eras Tour tickets we purchased to make it seem like she’s popular.

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All minutes from our weekly “Swifties for Socialism” brainstorming sessions should be shredded before burning, and the offshore-account “boyfriend fee” payments to Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce should stop immediately.

Team members will have a chance to interview for new positions at the Biden administration’s Top-Secret Beyoncé Psychological Operations Unit and the Tactical Pearl Jam GenX-Voter Propaganda Squad With Special Guest Foo Fighters.

Thank you for your service.

— Michelle Obama

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Fox News exposes Taylor Swift as obvious Biden campaign asset