Athletes tougher to shop for, but Santa Spence still giving gifts
Making the traditional Christmas rounds is getting harder on ol’ Santa Spence. And not just because of a surgically-repaired (multiple times) right knee and an arthritic left knee.
It was tough enough every year finding gifts for professional athletes who seemingly have everything — hot cars, hotter wives/girlfriends and the crazy ability to burn through heaping piles of money.
But now, with the advent of the NIL era, college athletes, mostly football players, are driving around on campus in luxury cars and otherwise reaping the kind of perks that would make a Sultan — OK, a Sultan’s son — blush.
So Santa Spence really had to dig deep in his bag this year to find the perfect something for everyone.
A long winter’s nap is beckoning, so let’s soldier on:
First stop, the Woody Hayes Athletic Center:
Gene Smith: A ride-along with Santa Spence to remember that true Christmas spirit is more about giving than receiving — or, in his case, basically begging for gifts. It goes down like spoiled egg nog to see him openly pleading for NIL donations since Ohio State supposedly needs $13 million a year to remain competitive on the football field. Why not start by raiding the pockets of your overpaid defensive coordinator?
Kamryn Babb: A job on the OSU strength and conditioning staff. The star-crossed Buckeyes wide receiver and captain recently earned his Masters in kinesiology, showing true perseverance in the classroom and on the field despite enduring four major knee surgeries. Even if OSU goes on to win the national championship, it’s hard to imagine a more emotional moment this season than seeing him make his first TD catch after five years with the program.
Ryan Day: A contract extension, YES contract extension. This “fire Day” talk because of a couple of losses to your archrival, which has a pretty good coach itself, is idiotic. Three playoff appearances in four years, a Rose Bowl victory, top shelf recruiting classes and always in contention for a national championship. People, some perspective, please.
CJ Stroud: A heavy bag bearing a life-sized image of Desmond Howard.
Marvin Harrison Jr: A Heisman Trophy to go with the Biletnikoff Award he should have won this year. Oh — how could Santa Spence forget? — a Gucci necklace to go with his other on-field accessories, that Apple watch and Louis Vuitton cleats.
Cade Stover: A 16-V 747 Big Bud, billed as the biggest tractor in the world at a cost of $1.3 million. It’s Santa Spence’s extravagant token of appreciation for the local kid who stuck it out, found a home at tight end and became a vital part of the offense. Farmer Gronk, indeed.
Noah Ruggles: The last-second field goal to beat Michigan in the national championship game. Right now, he might as well be in witness protection. He’s 15 of 17 on FGs this season and perfect on all six tries from 40-49 yards, but if you were stopped on the street and asked to name Ohio State’s placekicker, could you?
Tre Henderson and Miyan Williams: A bionic body. But, like carries, they have to share it.
Zach Harrison: A Nick Bosa/Joey Bosa moment (or three) in the playoffs.
J.T. Tuimoloau: A Chase Young moment (or three) in the playoffs. We know he has it in him. We saw it in the win over Penn State. He ended up with six tackles, two sacks, three tackles for loss, a forced fumble, a fumble recovery and two interceptions, including a pick-six that day. Over the other 11 games combined, he has 22 tackles, 1.5 sacks, no interceptions and no forced fumbles or fumble recoveries.
Brian Hartline: A lifetime contract, even if it means naming him co-head coach with Ryan Day. Imagine that, two head coaches on the same team. Santa Spence can think of at least five Big Ten teams that really don’t have one.
Tommy Eichenberg: Two healthy thumbs so “Tommy Two Thumbs,” as the linebacker was dubbed by analyst Joel Klatt, can thumb his nose at those responsible for him not being a finalist for the Butkus Award. That had to hurt a lot and this was a guy apparently playing with broken bones in both hands.
Next stop, 76 Lou Groza Boulevard, Berea
Deshaun Watson: His next massage from Edward Scissorhands. Too mean. Actually, Santa Spence is gifting him a Super Bowl title just to see Elon Musk’s Twitterverse crash and burn when the disgraced QB hoists the Vince Lombardi trophy.
Kevin Stefanski: A vat of Grecian Formula because if the Browns have another season like this, his beard will be as white as Santa Spence’s.
Nick Chubb: A year of consistent top 10 quarterback play. Can you imagine the rushing numbers he would amass if defenses couldn’t gear their game plan to stopping him?
Jimmy Haslam: A lump of coal on the 25th of each month for the rest of his life. Santa Spence doesn’t like him. Never will. Here’s to standing in solidarity with wronged truckers everywhere.
Amari Cooper: A bona fide sidekick in the receiving corps, not like the guys the Browns have now who would be a 3 (at best) or 4 on a true contender.
Cade York: A roof over FirstEnergy Stadium.
Myles Garrett: An engine like the one in the Porsche 911 Turbo S he wrecked. He may be one of the more feared pass rushers in the NFL, but his motor seems to run hot and cold. (Santa Spence doesn’t want to hear about double teams.)
Jadaveon Cloney: A Prius. Won’t be tempted to speed and, consequently, won’t trash his car for failure to control like his sidekick. He gets hurt enough as it is.
David Njoku: A Chippendales contract. In case you didn’t know, warming up shirtless has become his pregame ritual. Who does he think he is, JR Smith?
Denzel Ward: Four-inch lifts. Have you seen Sauce Gardner?
On to the corner of Carnegie and Ontario:
Terry Francona: Keeping with the colors of the holiday, a hollyberry-red Vespa. And a lock to put on that revolving door between Columbus and Cleveland. Seventeen Guardians made their major league debuts last season and Tito still led the youngest team in MLB to 92 regular-season victories. Amazing.
Steven Kwan: A corked bat, Albert Belle model. Then he’d have the exit velo to match his velo on the bases and his velo in the outfield.
Jose Ramirez: Santa Spence gave Josie his gift early — Josh (Jingle) Bell, the protection he desperately needs in the lineup.
Shane Bieber: The ball, next time the Guardians find themselves in a decisive Game 5 or Game 7 in the playoffs.
Aaron Civale: A chance to start a postseason game when he isn’t coming off 16 days of rest.
Josh Naylor: Hair styling tips from the Cavs’ Robin Lopez and unlimited coffee at Starbucks. He could always use a little more caffeine.
Oscar Gonzalez: Walk-up music other than the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song. May we suggest “All the Young Dudes” by David Bowie?
Myles Straw: A nice recliner in the dugout, so he can chill until summoned to play center in the ninth.
Emmanuel Clase: At least 10 more years of utter brilliance.
And last stop, Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse:
Donovan Mitchell: An MVP award in his near future.
Darius Garland: His birth certificate in a beautiful frame. That way he will be constantly reminded of who he is. Seems to Santa Spence that he’s trying too hard to be Donovan Mitchell and he’s not that guy. But he can be a very good guy.
Kevin Love: The legs to get him to one more NBA Finals.
JB Bickerstaff: A shock collar that buzzes when he’s inclined to play his starters nearly 40 minutes in a December game against the hapless San Antonio Spurs. Yes, that really happened. Given their usage rate so far, they’ll be dead come playoffs.
Evan Mobley and Jarrett Allen: T-shirts emblazoned with the Austin Carr catchphrase:“Get that weak stuff outta here!”
Robin Lopez: A comb, but just as a gag gift. Santa Spence actually loves the hair. Gives off an Andy “Wild Thing” Varajeo vibe.
Cedi Osman: A basketball signed by LeBron James and Kyrie Irving, two of only a handful of Cavs who have scored 20 points in one quarter — a so-called “avalanche” matched by Cedi the other night against the Jazz.
This article originally appeared on Mansfield News Journal: Athletes tougher to shop for, but Santa Spence still giving gifts
