I Attempted An 8-Hour Drinking Marathon And This Is How It Went

From Delish

My heart is pounding. Stomach fluttering. I just took two test-tube shots from a cocktail waitress's mouth and somehow, I'm still nervous about riding a mechanical bull. Then my inner bad gal kicks in: Rheanna, this is NEW ORLEANS. You've gotta buck up and do the damn thing.

So far, my stint down Bourbon Street has involved ordering a fishbowl the size of my head, putting away a giant-size Jell-O shot from a fake syringe, befriending three British girls "on holiday" at a jazz club, and tossing back 190-proof Hand Grenades that put any frozen daiquiri to shame.

At this point, I'm straddling the fine line between sheer terror and total ballsy-ness. But before my name gets called, my mind reels and rewinds, trying to pinpoint how I've even been able to make it this far after an 8-hour marathon of knocking back booze. Like Don Draper's famous Kodak pitch, the drinks of hours past pop up like projection slides - the sazerac, the gin fizz, the vieux carre, the absinthe frappe, the hurricane - holy shit, how am I still standing?

Then it comes to me: This rambunctious night was, by some stroke of luck, perfectly plotted out. And if you want to successfully sip your way through the city's oldest but liveliest neighborhood without getting knocked on your ass, follow these instructions carefully.

Start classy at The Sazerac Bar

What to order: Sazerac, Ramos Gin Fizz

Sure, the goal is typically to stay classy, but there's no way that's happening in the Quarter. Your very first stop should be the glitziest, so you can enjoy the swanky atmosphere and actually appreciate the grander details that harken back to Old World New Orleans before getting too tipsy to tell the difference. Nestled inside the lobby of The Roosevelt, The Sazerac Bar was named for what many historians believe to be the world's first cocktail. And what a cocktail it is. Belly up to the African walnut bar, flanked by famous Paul Ninas murals, and ask for the namesake drink.

Even if you've never had a sazerac, you cannot skip this one. While it's admittedly heavy on the spirits (rye whiskey dominates this glass), it's oh-so smooth, and sipping slowly is the whole point. If you'd rather something softer, pick the Ramos Gin Fizz. The bubbly-topped Collins glass is sweet, creamy, almost flowery - thanks to Plymouth gin, heavy cream, egg white, and orange blossom water.

Take a moment to chat up your bartender - who's no doubt dressed to the nines in a crisp white, double-breasted jacket - about the history you're surrounded by and ask for recommendations to tailor the rest of your monumental bar crawl.

Take a spin at Carousel Bar

What to order: Vieux Carré

Situated inside Hotel Monteleone, Carousel Bar is famous for its 25-seat revolving bar that was installed back in 1949. And yes, it really rotates - very slowly (it takes about 10 minutes to get all the way around), so that the room doesn't start spinning on you, too. But the watering hole also claims to be the birthplace of the Vieux Carré (which means "old square" in French and refers to the Quarter), a blend of Bénédictine, cognac, rye whiskey, sweet vermouth, and bitters that's garnished with a lemon twist. You may have to wait some time for one of those leather swivel seats at the intricate merry-go-round but once you snag one, stay a while: Order the savory blue crab and crawfish beignets, and wash them down with another drink. The gin fizz is also a winner here, as is the classic sazerac.

Time travel at Old Absinthe House

What to order: Absinthe Frappé

A striking green marble fountain - which, at one time, poured water over absinthe and sugar cubes - marks the entrance of this 200-year-old bar that remains one of the Quarter's most notable institutions. Seriously, Old Absinthe House is, in fact, so old that it's the rumored meeting spot between Andrew Jackson and the infamous pirate Jean Lafitte in 1806 before the Battle of New Orleans.

Today, its four sets of French doors are always open, welcoming a steady stream of patrons to drift in and out at all hours of the night. Once you get situated at the copper-topped bar, ask for the specialty: a neon green Absinthe Frappe (also known as "the green monster"), which is made simply with Herbsaint absinthe, anisette, and soda water. It tastes like an Italian anise cookie. If you're feeling adventurous, request a sampling of their absinthe collection, which includes varietals from Switzerland (Kubler, Clandestine), France (Pernod, Grand), and Austria (Mata Hari).

Pop the bubbly at Arnaud's French 75

What to order: French 75

Before you can even take a sip of this spot's namesake drink, you'll get a taste of Old New Orleans with your first step into this warmly lit, hardwood-furnished jazz bar. At Arnaud's, jazz floats through the air, barkeeps wear white jackets, and every cocktail is presented with flair. Make like a flapper (you'll feel it in the retrofitted space, decked with green-leather stools, beaded lamps, and the original hexagonal tile floor) and settle into one of the velvet couches to order the French 75. The champagne cocktail is laced with cognac, sugar, and a hint of lemon and presented in a dainty tulip flute. Named for the artillery used on French battlefields during World War I, this coup is less about the city of New Orleans, and more emblematic of its French spirit.

Refuel at Napoleon House Bar & Cafe

What to order: Pimm's Cup

Your next stop is going to be a doozy, so plan accordingly by sipping on a light Pimm's Cup (Napoleon House is credited with perfecting the liqueur-based cocktail) and padding your stomach with a muffuletta. Loaded with ham, salami, pastrami, Swiss, Provolone, and house-made Italian salad, this massive sandwich is served warm - and it's exactly what you need at this point in your booze-soaked journey. Here, you've also got three choices of Pimm's: an original laced with lemonade and lemon-lime soda, a Satsuma spiked with rum and tangy mandarin, and an English-style tinged with refreshing cucumber. But don't overlook the history here: Napoleon House is yet another French Quarter landmark with more than 200 years under its belt, and was home to the city's mayor in 1812 before opening as a grocery-tavern in 1920.

Go H.A.M. at Tropical Isle

What to order: Hand Grenade, Shark Attack

No trip to NOLA is complete without making a pit stop at the kitschiest and, arguably, most popular grab-and-go bar on Bourbon Street. Founded in 1984, the "Home of the Hand Grenade" is decked out with papier-mâché scuba divers protruding from the ceiling and palm trees made entirely out of Christmas lights. It's a can't-miss spot for those seeking out sweet, strong, and downright bombastic drinks to tote along their roving tour through the Quarter.

The Hand Grenade in particular has amassed an insane following over the years - most likely for its claim to knock you on your ass. And that's not completely off the mark: The yard-stick glass is filled to the brim with frozen melon liqueur, 190-proof grain alcohol, and a blend of secret ingredients that owner Pam Fortner has kept so top-secret she'll pay you a $250 cash reward for reporting knock-offs.

But it's the Shark Attack that will keep you coming back. The experiential order involves bartenders quite literally pounding the alarm, bombarding you with an onslaught of whistle-blowing, and smashing a plastic shark into your cup. If you're lucky, someone might even hum the Jaws theme.

Sing along at Pat O'Briens

What to order: Hurricane

Now that you're plenty liquored up, you're ready to dive into this sprawling brick-walled lounge that boasts dueling pianos and draws quite the clientele, ranging from frat bros in boat shoes to moms donning feather boas. It's worth your time to try and grab a seat inside to sing along, but if it's full (which is more than likely) the backyard patio, complete with a working fountain, is your best runner-up.

Another New Orleans-born cocktail, the Hurricane is swirled with rum, passionfruit liqueur, and lime juice. And no place does it better than Pat O'Brien's, which invented the drink in the 1940s, a time when tiki drinks reigned supreme thanks to a surplus of rum. Topped with an orange slice and maraschino cherry, and finished with a bendable neon straw, it's a quintessential tropical cocktail for those warm days and breezy nights by the bayou.

Tujague's

What to order: Grasshopper

Tujague's is steeped in culinary folklore, complete with ghost stories, butchers' tales, and presidential visits (Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, and France's De Gaulle have all dined there). But it's a milky, minty, and all-around decadent drink called the Grasshopper that steals the show at this 160-year-old bar and restaurant. The cypress bar, which claims to be the country's oldest stand-up bar, gave birth to the now famous cocktail that shakes up creme de menthe with creme de cacao, heavy cream, and brandy. The result is a beautifully opaque glass that you'll throw back (and continue ordering) faster than a milkshake.

Two-step along Frenchman Street

Bourbon Street is considered king when it comes to both historic watering holes and raucous partying, but drift away from the main drag and you'll find a pocket of jazz clubs along Frenchman, a much lesser known but arguably more enriching stretch of the French Quarter.

Your first stop should be Café Negril, where nightly sets vary from soul to Caribbean to jazz. Emblazoned with a towering portrait of Bob Marley, faux palm trees, and neon lights, the space really reflects its laid-back vibe. Order a round of well cocktails or local draft beers before taking a spin on the spacious dance floor.

When you're ready to move on, hit up the Spotted Cat, where you can sip on cheap-as-hell beer and find a dancing partner for the live band on stage in the front corner. It's cash-only and the space is small, but it's ideal for those who don't want to dish out a cover charge or would rather casually listen to covers than improvisational jazz.

There's also Maison and DBA, but you'll have to shell out some cash to get in the door - which, by the end of the night, feels like a little too much. Instead, you may want to hop over to 13 Monaghan for late-night drunchies like Sriracha-slathered tator tot nachos.

More than eight hours of boozin' and cruisin' later, I realize I don't just have my research skills and Google Maps thank for this epic bar crawl to end all bar crawls. The Quarter's wide walkable streets, bi-level porches, ample outdoor seating, and party-hardy attitude lend the "old square" to long and rambling nights you'll never forget.

Now get up and ride that bull.

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