Author Kelly Cervantes offers path forward in dealing with grief

All the bright decor, shiny tinsel and joyous caroling ringing in the holidays can't outshine the somber fact grief takes no vacations. It's been noted depression, anxiety and other mental-emotional issues spike this time of year. That's equally true for those struggling with loss.

"We feel grief year 'round," said Kelly Cervantes, author of a book charting her experiences, "Normal Broken: The Grief Companion for When It's Time to Heal but You're Not Sure You Want To."

It grew from a blog she wrote while caring for daughter Adelaide, who died of epilepsy days short of her fourth birthday. Cervantes will be in Tuscaloosa on Thursday, visiting Ernest and Hadley Booksellers, 1928 Seventh St., from 5:30-7 p.m., to talk about the work, which doesn't offer sunny platitudes.

"Everyone tries to pull you out of the dark places, because it makes them uncomfortable. The idea that grief is something you get over is horribly inaccurate," she said. "Grief is a manifestation of love, and can be just as beautiful."

Through writing her blog Inchstones — a term in the disability community for measuring small victories on the path to larger goals — and now the book, she's found you can move through, and learn to live with, grief, though not defeat it. Cervantes applies the inchstones idea to her emotional life, marking little things like getting out of bed and brushing her teeth, inchstones on the way to the milestone of leaving the house, or socializing.

Fall and winter holidays, with emphases on tradition — dusting off the old decorations, eating comfort foods, watching classic movies and singing "Auld Lang Syne" — can't help but call to memory those who are no longer seated at the table. The brighter the lighting, and the flash of cameras, the more vivid the recollections.

"There are so many threads that tether us to our lost loved ones during the holidays," Cervantes said, "because it's time we traditionally spend with our loved ones."

Her book doesn't offer pat answers or easy remedies, she said, but every experience shared can be a touchstone, a way for others going through similar pain to feel less alone. Leo Tolstoy famously began "Anna Karenina" with the thought all happy families are alike, but each unhappy family has its own story.

"My emotions are not unique to me. But my story is mine. The way I feel it and express it is mine," Cervantes said.

"I don't necessarily feel brave or strong. I fully believe we are not that special, I am not that special," she said, then lightly backtracked. "Well, I am fully special in all the ways Mr. Rogers said I was," she said, laughing.

But their saga stands out for a number of reasons, showing stark contrasts between the grim and joyous. In May 2016, at the same time seven-month-old Adelaide was diagnosed with epilepsy, her husband Miguel Cervantes was cast as the lead in the newly-opening Chicago production of "Hamilton." Miguel played Hamilton there four years, then moved with the family ― they also have an 11-year-old son, and a recently adopted daughter ― to the Jersey suburbs in 2020, to take over the role on Broadway.

The COVID-19 pandemic shuttered theaters, so he didn't actually get back on the boards until September 2021. He would worked consistently, including on Broadway in "If/Then" and "American Idiot," but the raise in pay as lead in one of the worlds' hottest shows allowed Kelly to quit her work in event planning and hospitality — earlier, her income topped his ― and stay home with Adelaide.

"I started the blog when my daughter was alive, to document this crazy life we were leading," she said. "My husband was Hamilton, so he was throwing out first pitches at baseball games, getting invited to fancy parties, while at the same time I was checking my phone for my nurse-sitter, to see if my daughter had had a seizure, or needed medication.

"I was fighting with insurance, then putting on a ball gown. My husband described it as having a rocket in one hand, and a parachute in the other."

Her mother was a mental health therapist, and Cervantes has been in and out of therapy since she was a child, trying various prescribed medications. But writing, and sharing, has done the most good.

"I came to everything through writing," she said. "It's the singular thing that helped me the most, to become the version of me that I am."

Posting and getting responses created a new network for the community they'd left behind in Chicago, and a lifeline during lonely months of pandemic shutdowns in New York City.

"Out thoughts in our head are amorphous, and they are terrifying and hard to pin down," she said. But finding words, confining thoughts to letters and sentences, helped process the complexity.

"Through punctuation, I can have one sentence that says 'I miss my daughter, and it really sucks that she's not here,' period," Cervantes said. "Then 'I love the holidays and love that I celebrate.'

"Both can be true, and both can rest on the same page of my life."

Putting her thoughts out blog-first let her see what resonated, so the book was a kind of collaborative effort, from years of listening, asking questions of experts and other sufferers. Feedback also encouraged her to dive deeper, share more.

"We don't talk about grief, about the way it affects us, how utterly debilitating it can be," she said. "We are all these normal broken people, unaware that someone else understands what we're going through.

"Nothing that helps healing is normal."

Though she hasn't been in Tuscaloosa for more than a decade, Cervantes has ties here, and specifically to the shop where she'll be Thursday. Her mother's cousin is Easty Lambert-Brown, co-owner of Ernest and Hadley. As the store only opened in 2017, she's not yet seen her daughter's place, Adelaide's Room.

"Not long after Adelaide had passed away (in 2019), they'd dedicated their children's reading room to her," Cervantes said. "So I knew I had to make this a stop on the tour, to be able to see that, and talk about her."

The book will be available for purchase, and Cervantes will sign. Because space is limited, Ernest and Hadley recommends guests reserve seats through Event Brite: www.tinyurl.com/mrxxazxn.

This article originally appeared on The Tuscaloosa News: Coping with grief means learning to heal, author says