Average Joe: Here are 8 prequels that shouldn't be made (but probably will)

The era of the prequel is now fully upon us, and there is no turning back from all of this turning back.

Gone are the days of annoyed entertainment critics proclaiming every new year “The Year of the Sequel.” Sure, sequels are still going to be cranking out by the handful. But we’ve reached a critical mass where it’s just safer to declare every year “The Year of the Sequel, Prequel, Remake and Reboot.”

The perplexing appeal of prequels is that everything old is new again, just older.

And with myriad channel options for streaming, the good news for prospective scriptwriters is that there’s virtually no prequel concept that can’t get a greenlight.

This fall, three TV heavyweights are slugging it out with big-budget prequel series that are actually worth checking out. In one corner, you’ve got HBO showing off twisted blond ambition in George R.R. Martin’s “Game of Thrones” ancestor “House of the Dragon.” In another, Amazon Prime is flexing Elvish might with ”The Rings of Power,” a forebear to J.R.R. Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” series. And in a third corner, Disney Plus has “Andor,” a prequel to “Rogue One,” itself a grim quasi-prequel to the original “Star Wars” films created by George R.R. Lucas. Behold! A grandprequel!

The bad news for entertainment consumers, however, is that there’s no prequel concept that can’t get a greenlight. Seriously, nothing is off the table. Zany ideas become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Go back to “Entourage” sending up the superhero movie trend with a cheeky “Aqua Man” storyline well before Jason Momoa was tapped to rule the seas at the real box office. Following a similar vein, the underappreciated “Party Down” saw Adam Scott’s caterer/hard-luck actor character seeking a role in a movie about Abraham Lincoln and Edgar Alan Poe as vampire hunters. It wasn’t long before someone went out and made a stinker of a film based on that very concept.

So, I am only half-joking as I toss a couple of far-fetched ideas of my own ideas out there, knowing full well that somebody just might take the bait. Here are eight prequel proposals that never need to see the light of day (but probably will now that I’ve jinxed myself).

'Cheers Est. 1895'

A couple of factory workers are sitting in a Boston dive. “Nobody here even knows our names,” one laments. “It’s like they’re not even glad to see us,” the other replies. Then, in unison, they conclude: “We should start our own pub!” Thus, we begin to retrace the earliest years of TV’s most celebrated bar, where washed-up Boston Beaneaters pitchers and coaches find new careers serving ale to loyal mail carriers and businesspeople whose troubles are all the same.

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'Baby Shark: A Jaws Story'

Before the waterspout of “Sharknado” movies, killer shark films were legit thrillers. “Baby Shark” takes us back to the pup days of our favorite Great White, when our wildly misunderstood aquatic hero was hanging out at the end of a pier and kept getting caught and tossed back into the waves by inebriated fishing buddies. That kind of rejection does something to a fish. Finally, we understand the rage. Says one human character to another: “I think that this boat is of perfectly adequate size.”

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'Jack Dawson: American Adrift'

It’s the “Titanic” prequel series that’s sure to delight fans of the blockbuster. Find out the real story behind the swashbuckling sketch artist and his one-legged friend in Paris. See just how often the handsome young vagabond cheated death after dropping that tired old “I have to draw you” line on everyone he met.

'Crabapple Cove'

Sorry, "Simpsons" fans, but this isn't about the youthful days of Bart's teacher. This series takes us back to “M*A*S*H” character Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce’s Maine hometown as he fumbles his way toward an unlikely career as a wartime Army field surgeon. It’s Stars Hollow with a metrosexual twist. Bonus points if you can get Amy Sherman-Palladino to drive this vehicle that would make even the stuffiest 4077^th fan curious enough to take out for a spin.

'24: Dawn's Early Light'

Talk of a “24” prequel has been kicked around for a few years with nothing to show. Why not place Jack Bauer’s counterterrorism origin story at the end of his senior year of high school? Jack would rather be surfing or watching movies about bad-boy vampire cliques than trudging along toward college. But he unwittingly discovers that the new school practice gym under endless construction is actually a cover for an enemy group digging deep into the earth with plans to detonate a bomb devastating enough to send the San Andreas Fault into unrelenting fits. On prom night, albeit. With a little help from grumpy sophomore Computer Club president Chloe O’Brian, he just might save California from falling into the ocean. Or was this all just an elaborate test designed by a guidance counselor who’s really an undercover counterterror recruiter who believes Jack has all the right stuff?

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'The Land Before the Land Before Time'

Plunging to the deepest depths of prehistory, before there were even dinosaur bones to dig up, I’m sure there’s some kind of tired formulaic tale to tell about even more ancient-than-ancient species with amazingly modern sensibilities and hilariously mismatched pop culture references to deepen the "Land Before Time" dinosaur lore.

'T.: The Terrestrial'

That wily E.T wasn’t so “extra” on his home planet. Before he mistakenly got left behind on Earth while scrambling to finish his late botany homework, the magical little dude lived in a place where wrinkly, retractable necks were all the rage and telekinesis battles broke out every day. Find out what life was like before he noshed on Reese’s Pieces, guzzled cheap beer, sat around watching John Wayne flicks and reconfigured a Speak ‘n’ Spell into a cosmic communicator.

'The Schmoo-vie'

The Schmoo, cartoondom’s most irritatingly creepy blob, storms back onto the screen to torment new generations of viewers with the most unnecessary origin story ever conceived. If you’re not familiar with Schmoo, whatever you do, DO NOT Google this monstrosity, Please, film folks, do not produce this frightening rubbish. Ever.

That's definitely a good place to end it; I think eight is enough, No, wait. I just got one more really unnecessary idea.

When he isn’t toiling away as the Beacon Journal metro editor, you can occasionally find Joe Thomas musing about everyday life as the Average Joe. Reach him at jthomas@thebeaconjournal.com

This article originally appeared on Akron Beacon Journal: Average Joe" In the new era of prequels, here are 8 concepts to skip