Previously, on The Bachelorette… Actually, rose lovers, that’s my whole recap this week: Previously on The Bachelorette. For some reason, producers decided to spend almost half of this episode rehashing everything that’s happened for the past five weeks — which, as you might remember, involved a LOT of angst over a guy named Luke P.
Indeed, the episode picks up where we left off in Scotland, with Hannah telling Luke P. that she cannot give him the date rose because, essentially, he’s a disaster.
“I’m very confused right now,” says Luke, who knows exactly what’s happening. He continues echoing everything Hannah is saying to him (“I’ve been really frustrated today, too;” “I screwed up, my bad, I take full ownership” etc.) but the Bachelorette does not cave. “So, is this it?” asks Luke. “Does that mean I go home tonight?” After a pause, Hannah replies: “Yes.”
Oh, rose lovers, if only we could celebrate this moment! If only the stupid promos didn’t already show us that Luke isn’t actually gone! But for now, let’s us cherish this image of Luke the Asshat reeling in defeat.
After walking down a dark wooded path for a while, Luke P. turns around and begins striding back toward the castle with a purpose. “I need to fight for her,” he says for the 900th time. “Nothing’s gonna stop me.” And obviously, producers arranged this whole scenario because they did not send Hannah back to her hotel room; she’s still sitting in the castle alone when Luke returns. “What are you doing?” she asks Luke, though honestly, could she really be that surprised?
What follows is more quasi-emotional gibberish and mirroring from Luke. “I felt like crying… then I felt like screaming.” The Bachelorette is all, Then scream, bitch!, and so Luke suddenly announces that he needs to yell. “I want to move mountains for you!” he bellows. “I hate this! I can’t stand it!” He admits that they “talked in circles” all day, and he’s ready to show her his “real” self. And yet it’s all just words, words, words. The same words. “[You’re] saying the same things to me that you’ve said a zillion times,” counters Hannah. “It makes it feel not real.”
That’s because it Is. Not. Real. Nor is Luke’s assertion that he “genuinely” wants to marry Hannah. Girl, this dude hasn’t lived a genuine moment in his entire life. Run, don’t walk!
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
“I’d be ecstatic if Luke didn’t come home,” notes Dustin, speaking for literally everyone. But the exact opposite happens. Luke walks in, roseless, as the guys stare at him with barely-concealed contempt. He goes on to announce that Hannah called their date “the worst one-on-one she had throughout this whole process” and that he didn’t get a rose. “But Hannah said she still wants me to be here.” According to the Bachelorette, Luke was “at least meeting me where I needed him to,” which apparently means he showed “small moments” of “true emotion and struggle.”
The guys are — what’s the word I’m looking for? — pissed. “Being honest, I think it’s absurd that we’re having to continue this for another day,” grouses Mike. “It’s still the Luke P. show, homie. And it’s hella annoying.” Preach.
The next day…
Ask and ye shall probably receive, dude.
We’ve finally made it to the cocktail party/rose ceremony we should have seen last week. Hannah arrives looking white-hot in a lewk straight from the Frozen collection.
It seems that our Bachelorette, like Luke, has been seeking some guidance from above. “Yesterday, the Lord kind of placed a verse on my heart that just kind of encompasses how I feel right now,” she explains. “It was about, don’t focus on the seen, but on the unseen. I want to know what’s hard to share, and what makes you you, and your fears and the hurts that you’ve had. I want to have those conversations.” Okay gents, you have your marching orders. Go!
Garrett’s up first, and after some pleasantries about “opening up” and all that, he inexplicably decides to waste his time with Hannah by asking about Luke P., and whether Luke trash-talked the other guys on his one-on-one. Seriously, Garrett? Didn’t the Bachelorette just tell you she doesn’t want to talk about BS? Hannah, bless her, patiently details the conversation she had with Luke — yes, he mentioned Mike, Devin, and Dylan, but only because she asked him for specifics — and then Connor steals her away, thankfully.
But the Luke P. talk isn’t over, of course! Garrett immediately heads back to the guys and starts stirring the pot again with Luke, like, Hannah says you DID talk about other guys — including Mike and Dylan — you big old liar! This prompts yet another incredibly productive and fascinating monologue from Luke, explaining why he mentioned each guy, and attempting to assure them that he “didn’t say anything negative” about them. That’s more than Garrett can take. “Luke, no one believes you,” he barks. “Nobody believes you! NOBODY BELIEVES YOU!”
He’s making such a ruckus that Hannah can’t help but overhear from the next room — and she is NOT happy. She cuts short her chat with Connor because she’s too distracted and irritated with the other guys to focus. “I’m sooooo frustrated!” she seethes, before marching into the next room and giving the bickering bachelors a piece of her mind.
“I’m so frustrated about there always being fights in the house, and it’s pissing me off!” she snaps. If y’all have questions about what was said to me, Hannah continues, then ask me! Rather than apologizing and ending the fight — OH MY GOD PLEASE JUST SHUT UP PLEASE STOP TALKING PLEASE — the men continue to take shots at Luke, but now they just phrase them as questions to Hannah. “When he’s spending time with you on your one-on-one,” asks Devin, “I don’t understand how me, Dylan or Mike or anybody else comes up.”
“I’m aware that you don’t like him, okay?” huffs Hannah, reiterating how “frustrated” she is. “I’m tired of hearing screaming.” Do you hear that, guys? You’ll shut up about Luke now, right? RIGHT?
Oh, for the love of all that’s holy, Garrett, SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE!
“The thing I want to say to you all is, ‘Stay in your freaking lane!’” says Hannah, who by now is on the verge of tears. With that, she walks away for some peace and freaking quiet. But guess what, the idiots keep fighting, and poor Hannah can still hear them as she tries to drink away her sorrows upstairs. The camera toggles between the guys arguing with Luke and Hannah sitting alone in the dark, listening and stewing. Once again, she hits her limit.
Oh man, now y’all have DONE IT. Hannah rage-chugs her champagne and carefully makes her way back down the stairs. Much like the Rock, she is about to layeth the smacketh down. “Luke, you need to stop making excuses,” she says, before turning to the other men. “Stop the focus on him, because I can figure that out for myself! Focus on me, and know that I’m a grown-ass woman, and I can decide if I want to spend my time figuring all this out, or if I don’t.” The Bachelorette goes on to inform the guys that they’re all making her feel “irritated and psycho right now,” not just Luke. All she wants to do is get to know the guys and have them get to know her as a human being, but all they want to do is trash-talk Luke. “I don’t want to talk to anybody!” announces Hannah. “At this point, like, I’m just like really defeated.”
Great job, guys! And save your apologies, Garrett. The night is already ruined — and you’ve successfully driven Hannah into another man’s arms.
That’s right — it’s Chris Harrison to the rescue! The host assures Hannah that the only reason the guys are fixated on Luke is because “they see that he’s getting your affection, your attention, and it’s driving them crazy. Believe me, this would be a lot easier for these guys if they didn’t care.” Hannah’s like, Whatever, dude — party’s over.
Rose ceremony roll call: Connor, Tyler, Dustin, Peter, Dylan, Garrett, and Luke P. (kill us all now, Lord) — plus previous rose-getters Mike and Jed —will all be sticking around another week. So, we must say fare-thee-well to Kevin, Devin, and Grant, along with his excellent side-eye.
Before signing off for the night, Hannah gives the guys one last warning: Do better, or she is done. Peter, for one, feels appropriately chastened. “I didn’t see very much hope in her eyes tonight,” he says. “I just hope she doesn’t just walk away from all of us.”
The next thing we know, rose lovers, we’re in Latvia — Riga, to be exact. As the guys enjoy a beer at an outdoor café, our Bachelorette is over at the hotel having a check-in with Bachelor Nation’s counselor-in-chief, Chris Harrison. “I’m like, can I just have one cocktail party that doesn’t go to crap by the end?” she sighs. “Every week has been ridiculous.” The host gently suggests that Latvia could be the turning point, but Hannah isn’t so sure. “I’m trying to stay hopeful,” she says, as her eyes well up. “I feel very weighted down.”
Damn, look at Harrison’s “I’m listening” face. This guy is such a pro.
The Bachelorette says she’s not about to settle, even if it means accepting that trusting this “process” (a.k.a. looking for a husband on a TV show) was a mistake. “I don’t know how this works for people,” she says, wiping away tears. “I don’t know if it’s gonna work anymore.” Dun-dun-DUN!
Wait, now we’re back in Los Angeles? At the mansion? What in the name of John Paul Jones is happening??? According to Harrison, we need to address some “serious questions” about Hannah’s “journey” — and why she feels like “giving up” (LOLZ) — before going any further. In other words, it’s filler time, y’all!
In case you chose this moment in the broadcast to take an extended bathroom/wine-refill break (and who could blame you?), here’s what you missed:
*Harrison and Hannah have this whole conversation in the present tense, as though they literally just flew back from Latvia mid-production, and are planning to fly back overseas if Hannah decides to go on with the show. More likely, they shot this after production was over and Hannah was (maybe) already engaged.
*Rehashed topics include, but are not limited to: That dude Scott from night one; “Always Be Cam” and the whole “pity rose” situation; and eeeeverything Luke P., from his group date declaration of love to the rugby showdown to his disastrous one-on-one date with Hannah to every single group date and cocktail party he’s ruined, including the most recent one in Scotland. “That was where I just exploded,” Hannah reminds us, as if we didn’t literally just watch it like three minutes ago. “It was like the last straw for me.”
*Hannah likes Jed.
*Hannah likes Tyler.
*Hannah likes Peter.
Perhaps because producers knew we’d all be pissed about being served an extended, half-assed recap filled with old clips this week, they threw in a few “funny” outtakes we’ve never seen: Mike ripping his pants (while air guitaring with Hannah for some reason), a random dog eating all of Jed’s ice cream in Boston, and Jonathan going in for a kiss and getting denied.
And let’s be honest — who among us hasn’t named a pimple?
Eventually, Harrison steers the conversation back to Hannah’s current “journey.” Will she go forward (yes), or is this season about to end abruptly (no)? When the host asks Hannah whether or not she wants to continue (a question he’s most likely asking after she’s shot the entire season), she gives the answer you’d expect: “It’s hard, but I don’t give up.”
The episode ends with a supertease for the rest of the season, and it is all about sex. We see Hannah making out with Tyler, Jed, Mike, and even Luke P. “I can’t wait to have sex with her when we’re married,” gushes Luke, as the producers collectively reach for their blood pressure medication. A sexless Fantasy Suite? The horror!
Rose lovers, it gets even worse. Remember the clip we saw on night one, of an angry Hannah declaring, “I have had sex, and Jesus still loves me”? Well, now we (probably) know why. The supertease features a nauseating glimpse of Luke P. telling the Bachelorette that “the marriage bed should be kept pure” — and then he has the nerve to tell Hannah that if she did have sex with any of the guys in the Fantasy Suite, he’d want to go home. I mean…
Same, girl. Same.
Though we don’t actually see Luke get into the Reject Van, it’s very strongly implied that Hannah does send him home — but only after informing him in no uncertain terms that he is a sexist garbage human who does not deserve her (or any woman, honestly).
But don’t leave yet, rose lovers — the promo is still not over! Next, we see Harrison alerting Hannah that some mysterious “he” just showed up with a ring in his pocket and “demanded” to see her. “He is fully convinced that you are his wife,” whispers the host gleefully. “He is ready to propose to you.” This news appears to send Hannah on yet another emotional tailspin.
Well, if we had to spend a lot of this episode rewatching stuff we’ve already seen, at least Team Bachelorette packed a lot of action into the last five minutes. Before you head out, rose lovers, let me know what you’re thinking. Is Hannah’s addiction to Luke P. interfering with your ability to root for her? Are you as depressed as I am that we apparently have to live with Luke P. until overnights? And doesn’t Hannah realize that pigeons are just rats with wings, and they should be avoided at all costs? Post your thoughts below!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.