The Bachelorette Season 16, Episode 2, Recap: So Clare’s Going to Pick Dale…Right?

We all read the spoilers for this season, right? Is there anyone left in Bachelor Nation who didn't know—spoiler warning, for real—Clare leaves The Bachelorette early to be with Dale? 

If you didn't, you would have figured it out 0.5 seconds into this episode when Clare says she didn't sleep well because she spent the first night thinking about Dale. Her goal over the next few days? To find out: “Is he my future husband, or what if that’s just excitement?” Not: “Will I find my future husband among this group of producer-selected men?” But rather: “Is it Dale, or nah?” 

And yet! I don't find this season any less entertaining, even with the extra knowledge. I am, as they say in Bachelor Nation, here for the right reasons, and that reason is to watch grown men bicker while reclining on a Pottery Barn couch. 

And the first group date did not disappoint. Okay, so…sure, Clare said she specifically invited Dale because she couldn't wait to see him again. But the men did not need Clare's affection or attention to bring us some quality entertainment. The date involved going through the different love languages—words of affirmation, gift giving, service, physical touch, and quality time—which was a genius idea. Case in point: For words of affirmation, Clare stood on a balcony that looked like it was built by Anna in Pen15 while the men took turns saying nice things about her.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve heard such kind things from men,” Clare gushed. She seemed genuinely surprised and touched that the guys were able to string together a positive sentence about her, which is deeply depressing. It says a lot about men and the state of dating when the Bachelorette can't believe people cast on a show that's about falling in love with her behave like decent human beings. And their words of affirmation weren't even that good! Even Dale, king among kings, was…fine? It was sweet but kind of bland and certainly not “let's blow up the entire franchise together”–worthy. But Clare is happy, and so I am happy.

Gifts came next, which also was a mixed bag. The men presented Clare with “personal” items like a used T-shirt, a chess piece that helped a sibling get through a difficult time, the baseball from the last game played, and…puppy perfume. 

The real excitement came with physical touch. Clare wore a blindfold while the men gave her hugs and kisses, and we learned she could tell who was who just from their scent. The more you know! The final test was quality time, in the form of a cocktail party. Somehow the easiest test of all was the big failure. When Clare joined the men for drinks, they all sat there in silence awkwardly until she was like, “Hello?” 

Bennett, who was sitting closest, sort of passively volunteered to chat with Clare and off they went. But! Clare couldn't concentrate on the conversation because she was stewing too much over what had just happened. She cut Bennett off and returns to the party to confront the guys over their lack of action. If you'd prefer to hang out with each other, she told them, I'd rather go to bed. Yes! That is the 30-something energy we've been missing from this franchise. Bed Above All. 

The men protested that they didn't know, blah blah blah. Yosef said something about speaking for the group, to which Riley replied, “You do not speak for me.” 

“This is a very stupid series of events,” my husband commented. 

“You do not speak for the group, Bill,” I replied. 

After that, the night was business as usual and Riley got the final rose. I like Riley—here's hoping he made a good impression on Tayshia because no amount of Boyz II Men would convince Clare to dump Dale. 

Also: Yosef thought Clare's reaction to the cocktail party was “immature” and “hotheaded," something he claimed he had no problem bringing up to her. That should go well.

But first, Clare had a one-on-one date with Jason. He was nervous because—gasp—she hinted the date would be about feelings. “That’s when I get scared,” he said in a testimonial. “I don’t like that!” Well, Jason, too bad. Do you know what show you signed up for? 

But once he was on the date, Jason did open up…mostly. He and Clare wrote letters to their younger selves and bonded over the hurtful things they've experienced in the past. They both showed some vulnerability with the usual lame platitudes you normally hear on this show, and it felt like a genuine connection. I really like them together, even though he came across a little murder-y at times? 

Anyway, Clare gave him the rose. They celebrated by throwing her dress from The Bachelor into a fire, which was the right thing to do, both symbolically and aesthetically. 

The second group date was dramatic too. The men played dodgeball with extremely high stakes (for The Bachelorette): Winner take all, and by “take all” I mean an extra few hours with Clare while the losers go home. Clare, however, took it upon herself to up the ante even more and make it strip dodgeball. 

This was conflicting for me. On the one hand, if contestants on The Bachelor were told they had to strip in order to win extra time, I would be calling upon the ghost of Vienna Girardi to bring shame and destruction upon the entire franchise. It felt gross and cringe-y. But the guys seem game for it, at least on the surface. And I'm kind of enjoying how horny Clare is. After multiple seasons with storylines around virginity, I found it refreshingly normal to see a woman be so thirsty for hot men. It's tricky! 

Anyway, moral dilemma aside, the blue team—The Blue Balls, they aptly named themselves—were the losers and had to walk-of-shame home in their jock straps. Blake was the most upset by this outcome. Not because he was wandering around a La Quinta Inn nude while producers ask about his feelings. Nope, he just couldn't stop thinking about what was happening at the cocktail party he wasn't invited to. FOMO strikes again. 

And so he (and the producers, probably) decides to crash. Clare was talking to Jay when Blake walked up and asked to cut in. “I mean, didn't you lose?” Jay replied. Classic Jay. 

The others find out Blake crashed, so they walk up with their chests puffed out, ready for a fight. Clare de-escalated the situation quickly, and it seemed that would be the biggest drama of the night. But then! Ohhhh boy. Clare and Brandon sat down for a one-on-one chat, during which he claimed the only reason he signed up for the show was because Clare was the Bachelorette.

“Oh, really?" Clare asked. “What did you like about me?”

Long pause. The longest pause. A single bead of sweat dropped onto Brandon's brow, just above his terror-filled eyes. Finally, he replied: Oh, well, I don't really know you yet. Reader, I cringed!

Sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was a trap and you walked into it faster than Wile E. Coyote. Of course Clare sent him packing, but not before raking him over the coals so hard he'll probably have ash marks forever tattooed on his tush. It was one of the most yikes-yikes-yikes moments in Bachelorette history, and I was here for every second of it. 

The next morning, as the guys debriefed about the dodgeball game, Yosef revealed he has OPINIONS. He found the strip dodgeball “classless” and a “red flag” and planned to confront Clare about this at the cocktail party. 

Unfortunately, we have to wait for next week to find out how that goes. But based on the episode preview, it sure looks like Clare gets another opportunity to tear into a fuckboi. I can't wait. 

Anna Moeslein is a senior editor at Glamour.

Originally Appeared on Glamour