Bad to the bone

Dec. 31—Well, as 2022 comes to a close, we'd just like to say that it really hasn't been all that bad.

Yes, we'd LIKE to say that, but that would be a ridiculous statement. The truth is of COURSE it's been bad. With the lingering pandemic, an outbreak of monkeypox, soaring gas prices and a struggling economy — not to mention Rudy Giuliani singing "Bad To the Bone" on "The Masked Singer" — how could it not be bad?!

Come along with us, and we'll show you what bad to the bone really looks like.

JANUARY

On the heels of omicron, the new year brings an aggressive new variant of the coronavirus pandemic — the Wordle variant. The insidious, highly contagious variant causes the afflicted to play a word game, called Wordle, day after day after day. Severe cases lead to cognitive delusion, in which the afflicted actually post their Wordle scores on Facebook — again, day after day after day — somehow believing the world needs to see their scores. This, in turn, nauseates untold millions of other Facebook users.

Mars, the manufacturer of M&M's, unveils a redesign of its popular M&M cartoon characters, including a decidedly "less sexy" green female M&M, who no longer wears her knee-high go-go boots. In a related story, the male M&M characters announce they're no longer attracted to the green M&M and will begin seeing other candies.

FEBRUARY

Superstar quarterback Tom Brady announces that, at age 66, he's finally retiring. As a result, Efferdent, Depends, Grecian Formula and Viagra cancel their endorsement deals with the Tampa Bay QB.

Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor and attorney for ex-President Donald Trump, sings "Bad To the Bone" on "The Masked Singer." When Giuliani's identity is revealed, celebrity judge Ken Jeong stomps off the set in disgust. He later explains he was angry because Giuliani was "less sexy" without his usual knee-high go-go boots.

MARCH

Five weeks after announcing his retirement, Tom Brady unretires. When asked why he retired prematurely, Brady responds he was having a "senior moment," and he hopes "Grecian Formosa and Niagara" will take him back.

Actor Will Smith delivers the slap heard 'round the world when he storms onstage at the 94th Academy Awards and slaps host Chris Rock on the cheek for making a joke about Smith's wife. Moments later, Smith wins an Oscar for Best Live-Action Dramatic Performance By A Celebrity Psychopath.

Gas prices soar close to $5 per gallon, a monumental increase reportedly triggered by the demise of the Keystone pipeline. Or the demise of the Keystone Cops. Or the demise of Barry Manilow music. Nobody really understands how or why gas prices fluctuate.

APRIL

Famous rich person Elon Musk (motto: "No, I wasn't named after a cologne") offers to buy Twitter for an estimated $44 billion, which translates to about 22 tanks of gas. Twitter officials reject the offer, in part because "we're not gonna sell out to a man named after a cologne."

A new Major League Baseball season gets under way with several rule changes taking effect, including a universal designated hitter, an expanded postseason, and an infield fly rule that's only implemented when Jupiter aligns with Mars. Also, in order to make the game more appealing to younger fans, kickball rules will be enforced, allowing infielders to throw the ball directly at baserunners.

MAY

Americans face fears of a nationwide outbreak of monkeypox, a virus that has spread very little but has triggered a national media frenzy, primarily because journalists just enjoy saying the word monkeypox. Try it yourself — it's fun!

Professional golfers find themselves embroiled in controversy when a new pro golf tour, LIV Golf, begins seducing players away from the PGA. The controversy stems from the fact that the lucrative tour is financed by the sovereign wealth fund of Saudi Arabia, a country known for its human rights abuses and for the murder of a dissident journalist, alleged to have been sanctioned by the crown prince himself. LIV Golf's CEO, Greg Norman, downplays the murder by saying, "Look, we've all made mistakes."

To which we say, "Monkeypox!"

JUNE

Actor Johnny Depp wins his libel lawsuit against his ex-wife, actress Amber Heard, following a trial that lasts about as long as the Vietnam War ... although, to be fair, the war may not have been as contentious. The most dramatic moment occurs when Depp, after accusing his ex of abusing him, is slapped in the courtroom by fellow actor Will Smith.

During her testimony about actions leading up to the Capitol attack of Jan. 6, 2021, former aide Cassidy Hutchinson testifies that former President Donald Trump once became so enraged that he threw his plate of food at the wall, shattering the plate and splattering the wall with ketchup. Gas prices and ketchup shares skyrocket.

JULY

National inflation rates soar so high that professional rapper 50 Cent changes his name to 80 Cent.

NASA releases a series of astonishing images captured by the James Webb Space Telescope, widely regarded as the most powerful telescope in history. Among the photographs released are stunningly detailed images of remote, never-before-seen exoplanets, several of which are already inhabited by Mattress Warehouses.

AUGUST

FBI agents raid Donald Trump's residence at his Mar-a-Lago club in Palm Beach, Florida, where they find dozens of classified document folders, 122 gallons of tanning spray, one tub of Acme Hair Stiffener and approximately 17 bottles of ketchup splattered on a dining room wall.

President Joe Biden announces an approximately $400 billion proposal to forgive student-loan debt for tens of millions of Americans, many of whom vote in elections. Biden says the fact that they vote is likely a coincidence, but he would have to check the teleprompter to be sure.

SEPTEMBER

Citizens the world over mourn the passing of Queen Elizabeth II, the beloved 96-year-old queen who reigned over the United Kingdom for 70 years. She is succeeded by her son, King Charles III, former Prince of Wales and Lord of Constipation.

The world of professional chess is rocked by scandal when world chess champion Magnus Carlsen accuses highly ranked grandmaster Hans Niemann of falsifying his Wordle scores on Facebook.

OCTOBER

A new book claims Donald Trump flushed important government documents down the White House toilet during his presidency. Trump angrily replies through a spokesperson, "Fake news! Those weren't government documents — they were ketchup packets!"

Famous rich person Elon Musk acquires Twitter. Cologne stocks soar, while gas prices plummet.

A California man sues the makers of Texas Pete Hot Sauce, claiming the product is not actually made in Texas but in North Carolina. Legal observers say the man is going to be really upset when he learns the truth about Moon Pies, Mars bars and Venus flytraps.

NOVEMBER

President Joe Biden turns 80 and reads this statement from his teleprompter: "Wow, I'm almost as old as Tom Brady!"

Donald Trump promises to make a "big announcement" and then delivers on his promise by declaring, during an hour-long campaign speech, that he owns a pair of knee-high go-go boots. Gas prices soar.

President Biden's student-loan forgiveness plan is halted by legal challenges when a California man files an injunction claiming that, technically, most college students don't actually study.

DECEMBER

The world's longest soccer tournament, the World Cup, finally reaches its climactic conclusion when France and Argentina play to a 2-2 tie in the championship game. They determine the winner in dramatic fashion by comparing each goalie's Wordle scores.

Santa Claus promises to make a "big announcement," and then delivers on his promise by declaring, during a lengthy post-Christmas speech, that he's going to run for president. "I've never needed a teleprompter," he says, "and I don't even like ketchup."

Hey, chuckle all you want, but don't pretend you wouldn't vote for him.

"Santa Will Soar in '24!"

Now if we can just survive '23.

jtomlin@hpenews.com — 336-888-3579