BERNEY WILKINSON: Don't assume other person understands

Although we all find ourselves frustrated about different things, one of the most common occurs when we have an expectation that is not met. No matter the dynamic, whether it is parent to child, partner to partner, or boss to employee, when we ask someone to do something, we become frustrated when it is not done.

And it doesn’t matter whether the other person’s decision was intentional or not. It is just as frustrating when your partner knows you would like something to be done and does not do it, as it is when your partner really did forget.

There are other times, though, when we are upset for reasons that are unclear to the other person. For example, let’s say you ask your child to pick up all the stuff off the floor of his room. A few hours (or, perhaps, a few minutes) later, the child emerges and proclaims that he is finished. Upon inspection, however, it looks like all he did was shove some things under his bed and hide things in his closet. Sure, the floor is cleared, but his dresser drawers are still hanging open and his desk is piled with everything except what should be there.

The parent is now frustrated and will ask, “You call this a clean room?!?” At this point, the parent may demand that the child “try it again,” or the parent will start cleaning it up “the right way.” All the while, the parent is reprimanding the child and telling him where to put things.

But let’s consider what really happened in this situation. The parent asked for the room to be cleaned up and the child did what he thought was needed. That is, he made it such that his parent could walk in the room. After all, that was the complaint, right?

In this case, however, it wasn’t that the other person refused to do what was asked; rather, it was that the task was not completed in the way the parent wanted — that is, it did not meet the parent’s expectations. How many times have you asked someone to do something and even though they claim to have done it, they did it “the wrong way”?

The problem is in the way in which we communicate. Did he clean his room? Well, yeah, he did. However, did he clean it the way his parent wanted him to clean it? No, he didn’t. And therein lies the problem. We often make requests of others that we think are clear; we assume that the other person knows what we want, and then become frustrated when they fail to meet our expectation.

One could, of course, claim the other person is fully aware of your expectations, but is that something that we should always assume? Just because you have shown your child how to clean his room does not necessarily mean that he knows how to do it independently. And even if he does, there are times when the task seems so insurmountable that he doesn’t even know where or how to start.

So, the next time you ask someone to do something, take a moment or two to ensure you communicate your expectations clearly. If you have a good relationship with the other person, it is relatively rare that they would want to intentionally upset you. And if you find yourself getting upset or frustrated, take a deep breath and talk to them about it. Listen to them and find out what they thought you wanted, and correct the misunderstanding. While they may need to learn a new skill (i.e., organizational skills), at least you will be on your way to better results (and less frustration) in the future.

Dr. Berney, a licensed psychologist with Psychological Associates of Central Florida in Lakeland, is a national speaker and the co-author of "Handbook for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child." Listen to Dr. Berney's podcast, "The Mental Breakdown,” on iTunes and YouTube. You can submit questions or topics to Dr. Berney by email at drberney@pacflorida.com.

This article originally appeared on The Ledger: Do it my way