BERNEY WILKINSON: Reward and punish the behavior
In last week’s column, I shared some common misunderstandings of rewards and punishments and two problems in how they are applied to children and teens. The first problem is that we tend to forget that kids are, well, kids. By their very nature, youngsters will do things that we do not want them to do. Just because a child knows he is not supposed to do something, doesn’t mean that he will never do it. As I noted last week, just as pigeons peck, kids behave.
The second problem is that we tend to reward and punish the child rather than the behavior. This is a critically important distinction. If we focus on the child, we are more likely to resort to punishments that “hurt” the child in some way. However, when our focus is on the child’s behavior, our responses are less emotional and more rational; they are also more effective.
The most frequently used form of reward and punish is called Response Cost. In a Response Cost system, a highly valued item or activity is taken away in response to a misbehavior. A parent may take away a teenager’s cell phone if she is not doing her homework or a teacher may take away points when a student does not remain in his seat. The goal, of course, is to decrease the undesired behavior.
On the surface, this form of behavior management sounds like a reasonable idea. If your child does not get his homework done, you take away his video games. If she does not do her chores, you take away her phone. The way most parents use Response Cost is to remove the child’s most desired item any time he/she misbehaves. In fact, many parents will proudly admit that their goal is to take away an item that most “hurts” their child. While they may not spank their kid, their goal is to cause as much emotional pain and discomfort as possible.
Unfortunately, as many have come to realize, there are problems with this approach to behavior management. The first problem is that we tend to take away things that have nothing to do with the behavior we want to change. If your daughter keeps leaving her wet towel on the bathroom floor, that behavior has nothing to do with her phone.
A second problem is that Response Cost loses its effectiveness as soon as the items we are removing lose their value. I have met parents who say, “It doesn’t matter what I do! If I take away his video games, he will just watch YouTube. If I take away YouTube, he will just watch TV. If I take away TV, he will play with his Legos…” These parents often arrive at my office after they have taken everything away, including the child’s bedroom door (which I almost always encourage them to replace), and yet the behavior continues.
A third problem in punishing the child is that we risk creating an adversarial relationship. Kids know that we are trying to hurt them. While some kids seem to tolerate this; their attitude is “OK, I got caught so I have to pay the price.” But many are not so understanding. Their attitude is “OK, you want to wage war?” This is especially common when we take their cell phones.
All of these problems are traced to the same issue. We are punishing the child instead of trying to figure out how to change the behavior. If your daughter leaves her wet towel on the floor and you take her cell phone, you have punished her for being disobedient. But that may or may not change her behavior. Sure, taking away her phone may “hurt” her, but that does not teach her to hang up her wet towel?
I understand the urge that most parents have to apply a consequence that really gets their attention. However, if you really want to change the behavior, then stop punishing the child and start focusing on the behavior. Doing so will not only make your consequences more effective, but you will also maintain a healthier and less confrontational relationship with your child.
Dr. Berney, a licensed psychologist with Psychological Associates of Central Florida in Lakeland, is a national speaker and the co-author of "Handbook for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child." Listen to Dr. Berney's podcast, "The Mental Breakdown,” on iTunes and YouTube. You can submit questions or topics to Dr. Berney by email at drberney@pacflorida.com.
This article originally appeared on The Ledger: High cost of response cost
