The BEST 2023 Predictions: Musk kills Twitter, Kanye babbles, DeSantis labeled a toad

As a professional American columnist, I’m constitutionally required to write my predictions for the new year. (It’s in a clause buried deep in the First Amendment’s footnotes.)

While some lesser writers might consider this a menial task, I — America’s most beloved and humble columnist — take it quite seriously.

Are my predictions almost always incorrect? Perhaps. But that does not take away from the fact that they are excellent predictions. I look at it this way: My New Year’s predictions aren’t wrong, it’s just that the world is never quite ready to live up to them.

That said, I now proudly unveil Rex Huppke’s Nine Rock-Solid 100%-Guaranteed Sure-Fire Predictions for 2023.

Twitter crashes and burns and slides into the ocean

1) Noted business genius Elon Musk’s plan to improve Twitter by amplifying all the bad parts of the social media site while driving away anyone capable of offering a coherent, non-racist thought will fail spectacularly and the company will declare bankruptcy. Musk will celebrate his epic failure as “a massive success” that was “hindered by woke zombies who for some strange reason stopped purchasing my fancy electric cars just because I kept siding with unhinged conspiracy theorists and Nazi wannabes.” Everyone who spent years on Twitter will suddenly remember what joy feels like and go on to live happier lives.

2) Donald Trump will realize the number of criminal investigations he’s facing is larger than the number of hotels he owns and, with the legal walls closing in, will flee to Russia aboard one of Musk’s spaceships. Despite relocating, he’ll continue to claim he’s running for president, while also claiming he IS president because the 2020 election “was TOTALLY rigged.” By mid-year, nobody in America will care about any of this and Trump will be reduced to screaming “FAKE NEWS!” into his afternoon bowl of borscht.

What in the world will 2023 bring? Our USA TODAY Opinion team has wishes – and fears.

Shorts become the new 'it' style

3) After years of ridicule by lobbyists for that tyrannical trouser industry, shorts will be accepted as formal work attire. I will write a column noting, as I have for years, that pants are nothing more than leg prisons. Americans will finally see the truth, and there will be a great awakening that makes shorts a chic dress option for any setting or occasion.

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4) One tragedy will stem from the Great Shorts Awakening. As the masses are more consistently exposed to my finely sculpted man calves, hundreds of American men will die of envy. I will mourn them, but not apologize. These calves were not my choice. They were a gift from nature.

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An Eagles-Bills Super Bowl with a surprise guest

5) The Philadelphia Eagles and the Buffalo Bills will face off in the Super Bowl. In a shocking surprise twist, the Bills will bring on World Cup soccer star Lionel Messi as the team’s kicker, and he will boot the winning field goal in overtime. Philadelphians will erupt in anger and frustration — more so than they normally do — and city officials will be forced to instate a permanent ban on soccer.

6) Kanye West will not shut up until the only people who remain on Twitter are him and Musk. After that, West will still not shut up. Neither will Musk.

7) The Republican plan to turn Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis into a feasible post-Trump presidential candidate will fail horribly when non-Floridian Americans realize DeSantis is actually just an unusually verbal and unnecessarily mean toad. Trump, from Russia, will give the governor the nickname “DeSantoad” and DeSantis’ political career will be over.

Long live Ukraine! Cram it, Putin!

8) The brave Ukrainian military will knock the beef stroganoff out of the Russians so badly that President Vladimir Putin will be deposed. Russian oligarchs will briefly consider installing their new resident, Trump, as a puppet president, but will change their minds when they realize how embarrassing it would be to do the same thing America did. Trump will claim the puppet presidency election was “RIGGED.” The only people who will care are Kanye West and Elon Musk, who will gripe endlessly about it to each other using the last two active Twitter accounts on earth.

9) I will wish a happy New Year to all who take the time to read my columns, hoping they know how much I appreciate their kindness and support.

At least I can be certain that last one will come true.

Happy New Year, everybody.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: New Year's predictions for 2023: Will Elon Musk kill Twitter?