The best headlines of 2019

Jeva Lange

So much happened this year: an egg became the most-liked photo on Instagram, a few hundred people "stormed" Area 51, and a whole entire Starbucks cup got left on the set of Game of Thrones. Sure, there were "important" headlines too, but let's face it: 2019 was as bizarre and hilarious as it was historic.

In honor of it finally almost being over, here are 2019's 50 most hilarious headlines, in chronological order.

"Australian man screaming at spider 'why don't you die?' triggers full police response" [The Guardian]

"Cocaine in the River Thames is 'another problem eels don't need', says expert" [Evening Standard]

"Florida man finds World War II grenade while fishing, brings it to Taco Bell" [ABC]

"Being named Assman isn't all it's cracked up to be" [The New York Post]

"Slice of pizza convinced Gulf Breeze man to end police standoff" [Pensacola News Journal]

"Young people's blood will not make you live forever, FDA warns" [MarketWatch]

"Police found a 'deranged person standing outside in the cold hugging a pillow' was actually just a cardboard cutout of MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell" [Fox 9]

"4-year-old boy accidentally kills fish after cuddling it" [ABC]

"The 'St. Louis-style' bagel slice is now our national shame" [The Riverfront Times]

"Woman scares away a moose by tossing a cat at it" [New York Post]

"Elon Musk's 'RIP Harambe' rap proves he should stick to cars and rockets" [Los Angeles Times]

"I was banned from puppy yoga for having a 'bad vibe,' Toronto woman says" [The Star]

"We need to admit that the black hole photo isn't very good" [Slate]

"This man went to court to prove his 'cellphone' was a hash brown. He won." [The Washington Post]

"Scientific study finds 'Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites' by Skrillex stops mosquitos from having sex" [EDM.com]

"Cops to Florida woman: 'Do you have anything else?' She pulled a gator from her pants." [Miami Herald]

"Seb Gorka rages against cartoon rat's gay wedding: 'This is a war for our culture'" [The Daily Beast]

"'Bored' workers trying to cremate mouse burn down bike shop" [Road.cc]

"Michael Avenatti's ex-lover tells how he wouldn't let her work as a waitress because she was the future First Lady and likens their sex life to 'salted crackers', admitting 'you don't crave them but you eat when the doctor says you should'" [Daily Mail]

"New Hampshire man bit by rabid bat hiding in iPad" [ABC]

"That F-35 sky penis above Luke AFB wasn't intended to be sky penis, base says" [AirForceTimes]

"A rat-infested pop-up bar is opening up in San Francisco later this month" [Yahoo! News]

"An alligator is swimming in a Texas lake with a knife in its head" [Fox]

"Teen caught speeding at 106 mph 'needed bathroom after too many hot wings'" [Sky]

"Rogue slug blamed for Japanese railway chaos" [BBC]

"Purple-haired lesbian goddess flattens France like a crêpe" [Deadspin]

"Gator crashing into home was a 'fun thing,' says Florida woman" [Click Orlando]

"Disney agrees Forky belongs in the trash, announces recall" [The Week]

"Five guys arrested after fist fight at Five Guys" [Orlando Sentinel]

"Someone left old TVs outside 50 homes in Virginia while wearing a TV on his head. No one knows why." [The Washington Post]

"Woman scares wild cougar away with Metallica's 'Don't Tread On Me'" [Billboard]

"Tired of waiting for Brexit, Britons munch through Nutella stockpiles" [Wall Street Journal]

"Phish camp in Denver canceled due to plague-stricken prairie dogs" [Fox News]

"Titusville man charged with impersonating officer for McDonald's discount" [Florida Today]

"Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, a county coroner is forced to confirm" [The Washington Post]

"Woman who advocated against importing garlic was secretly importing garlic all along" [Eater]

"Shih Tzu never thought you'd see: Fearful dog saves cat from raccoons" [CBC]

"Police robot told woman to go away after she tried to report crime — then sang a song" [Metro]

"Man who invented labradoodle says it's his 'life's regret'" [The Guardian]

"Hitman outsourced a murder to hitman, who hired hitman, who hired hitman, who hired hitman" [USA Today]

"Gerard Butler injected himself with bee venom and you'll never guess what happened next (he went to the hospital)" [The Cut]

"Mark Sanford kicked off his presidential campaign against Donald Trump in Philly. One person showed up." [The Philadelphia Inquirer]

"Small town in Georgia has big plans for an enormous chicken" [Wall Street Journal]

"Feral hogs find and destroy cocaine worth $22,000 hidden in woods" [Newsweek]

"Letting it rip on TV, Congressman?!? #Fartgate blamed on mug" [TMZ]

"North Korea threatens to resume calling Trump 'dotard'" [AP]

"Starbucks clarifies Twitter user 'MuellerDad69' is not firing employees for saying 'Merry Christmas'" [The Hill]

"Much to his dismay, Jason Derulo's penis in Cats is smaller than he would like" [Rolling Stone]

"Foiled lobster truck heist in Charlestown 'was a very Boston experience for everyone involved'"[Boston Magazine]

"Donald Trump was impeached. Then he yelled about toilets." [BuzzFeed News]

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