It's best to negotiate expectations with friend before 'free' night out

QUESTION: Help settle an argument. A friend says that if she invites me to go with her to an event to which she has free tickets thanks to her employer, I should pay the dinners beforehand for both of us as well as parking, drinks, etc. I say that if I have free tickets to an event and invite her, we treat the evening out like we normally would — we split dinner, etc., and just enjoy spending time together thanks to a free event. Of course I would reciprocate if I had tickets to something else.

What made the situation that prompted this question even worse is that she sprung this news on me after we already attended the free event and told me I needed to send her money to pay for her dinner, too. Now she's mad that I didn't offer or send money. What are the proper protocol and expectations here? How do I get out of this and salvage the friendship? I understand acknowledging how nice it was she invited me to the event but I don't think I should have to pay for her entire evening out, too.

CALLIE’S ANSWER: Does the employer take anything out of her paycheck? I'm trying to give your friend a benefit of the doubt. At the same time, this sounds like a great free night for your friend. Just be honest with your friend. This might make you realize this friendship is a bit one-sided. Rough!

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I think the problem is that she sprung this expectation on you after the fact. It is also a problem (to her) that you didn’t offer something that night. Unspoken expectations and the resulting disappointment that they weren’t met got you to this point. Next time, negotiate the details for something like this ahead of time. You can offer to pay for, say, drinks or parking ahead of time and feel out her response. Or ask how much you would owe her for tickets. Then she could say, “oh the tickets are free, but you can take me to dinner.” That might not be what you want to hear, but addressing this early can help set the tone for the evening.

Then, afterward, she probably should have expressed her disappointment so you could work it out as friends instead of sending you a bill. Also, I don’t think you’re wrong in thinking that since the tickets were free, you were free to split the expenses and then take her another time. But keep in mind that’s not how things always work for when it happens again; instead of reciprocating with free tickets later, reciprocate that night and enjoy!

HELEN’S ANSWER: When someone has tickets and invites you to an event, it makes sense that you could offer drinks or dinner as your part of the evening, if your budget allows you to provide for both of you. I don’t think your friend should expect that if she invites you to the event, and most people would not demand that you pay for everything. But the best thing is to ask ahead of time what you are expected to provide. Then you can make up your mind whether you want to accept the free ticket in exchange for dinner and drinks for two.

GUEST’S ANSWER: Elizabeth Prosser, community volunteer: Oh dear, oh dear!! If ever there were a sadder situation in which the old saw about what happens when we assume!! This friendship may not recover.

The guest should apologize, send her friend a note thanking her for the evening and include a check or gift card for the cost of her friend’s dinner and parking and maybe a little more — and then she should remember FOREVER that (1) this friend needs to be handled carefully, and (2) always in the future discuss the evening when an invitation is issued. An expensive lesson learned. To replay, the conversation should have proceeded like this:

Mary: Janie, I was given tickets to see Elvis next Wednesday — would you like to go with me?

Janie: Lord, yes!! Thank you for asking me — would you like me to drive? And what about getting something to eat first?

Mary: That would be nice ... but I’d rather drive.

Janie: Okay; so I’ll pay for the parking. Will we have time to get a bite first?

Mary: Just a little bit, after I get off work. How about Café Bijou … it’s close.

Janie: Yes, but it’s expensive. What do you think of China Express?

At this point the friends can discuss dinner, and Janie can get a sense of her friend’s expectations; some friends wouldn’t expect to be treated when the tickets were free. Separately, if Janie can’t afford to pick up the dinner check, she can then make excuses for skipping dinner and deal with any fallout then and there. In any case, if there is an intermission, the guest should always treat to a drink or snack. The invited person always needs to find out what is expected of her, and since that is her responsibility, it’s hers to clean it up. So, I’m sorry, even though this may be a very entitled friend, you do need to pay for her evening: that’s the cost of the lesson and the friendship.

Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.

This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: Friends should discuss who is paying for what before a night out together