Biden loan forgiveness, Trump Mar-a-Lago search, US Open ... but let's talk zucchini

Holy cannoli, there’s so much going on in the world.

President Joe Biden announced his student loan forgiveness plan, which is being celebrated by everyone except for the people who hate it. The Feds served a search warrant at Donald Trump’s Florida home for government documents and he keeps changing his mind as to why he’s mad about it. Wimbledon champion Novak Djokovic pulled out of the U.S. Open because he refuses to be vaccinated for COVID-19, giving every parent in America an easy-peasy example of the word “consequences.”

So, let’s talk about zucchini.

It’s that time of year again in our patch of Cleveland and in vegetable gardens across the country. Time to harvest the 400 green logs sprouted from four seeds we planted in May.

My husband, Sherrod, is the vegetable gardener in this marriage, and he would want you to know I’m exaggerating and he has never grown 400 zucchinis in a single season. (Sure, honey.)

So much zucchini. Why?

Last year, Sherrod’s crop of zucchini was, in his words, a bounty of 20. I say there were about 372. The truth is somewhere in the middle, but a good guess gallops right past 40, waves to 50 and barely glances at 60.

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When you grow this much zucchini, people talk. Mostly because from the first day in August you’ve been delivering zucchini to everyone within a 30-mile radius of your garden. By this time each year, whenever we walk the dogs, oncoming neighbors smile and wave, and then immediately change direction. Sherrod calls this curious. I call it the Zucchini Shuffle.

Why does he grow so much zucchini?

Because he can.

Our tomatoes are unpredictable, beans can get tough as jerky and sometimes peppers stop at puberty. But zucchini? Those babies will grow as long as you leave them on the vine, until the first frost.

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Sherrod likes to pull them when they’re still small, under a foot long, claiming he likes to eat them like apples or carrots. I don’t believe he likes the taste. He just wants me to feel left out because I would rather chomp on a brick of charcoal.

Let us pause and acknowledge that many of you out there also like raw zucchini. I see you, I hear you, and I will never understand you.

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Scary kitchen gadget to the rescue

Every good marriage requires compromise, which is how I came to be a baker of zucchini bread. Big leap, this one. I love to cook, but I am a nervous baker. Cooking allows for slips and substitutes, and I seldom make something I can’t serve. Baking makes me feel like a detective searching for clues in a 10-year-old murder. I may be overstating.

Big news: I bought a mandoline, which is a rotary gadget for grating the zucchini. I was very nervous about using this, mostly because of my friends’ stories about how they had underestimated its power and hacked off various parts of their fingers. So much blood.

I approach the mandoline like a hostage negotiation, telling it what I’m about to do, one step at a time. Gently, I suction it to the counter. Slowly, I insert the stainless-steel blades. I wait for the telltale click of the handle. I ease the chopped chunks of zucchini into the slot and then use the food pusher to press it into the grater as I turn the handle.

It’s all so stressful. When anyone tries to talk to me during this process I usually scream, “Not now! I’m using the mandoline!” This tends to frighten the dogs and small children, which I regret.

A judgy loaf pan, a lot of bread

To get inspired for this August’s zucchini bread extravaganza, I bought a lovely green ceramic loaf pan. It has a nature motif on the inside, which I love except for the owl, who looks a little judgy. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of buying something like this, but five years ago my husband wasn’t planning enough zucchinis to panel a log cabin, if that is something one does with zucchinis.

I decided to make zucchini bread before writing this column. In my profession, we call this reporting. I chose the largest zucchini on the counter, which was between 10 inches and 2 feet long. The recipe for two loaves calls for two cups of grated zucchini, but that required barely the heel of the squash. So, I did what I always swear I will not do, which is double the recipe, and then triple it.

I pulled out more loaf pans, including the minipans I bought on sale last year. I’m going to make enough of those little loaves of zucchini bread to give to unsuspecting neighbors and friends far and wide. Because that’s what you do when someone you love grows 400 logs of zucchini. As long as you have a mandoline and aren't afraid to use it.

Which excludes me, come to think of it.

More from Connie Schultz:

'I’m going to put a box around work': That’s a country song waiting to happen

College goodbyes loom. Be sad but also be grateful for the moments past and future.

A birthday wish for us all: Laugh, sing and live large regardless of the years

USA TODAY columnist Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize winner whose novel, “The Daughters of Erietown,” is a New York Times bestseller. You can reach her at CSchultz@usatoday.com or on Twitter: @ConnieSchultz 

You can read diverse opinions from our Board of Contributors and other writers on the Opinion front page, on Twitter @usatodayopinion and in our daily Opinion newsletter. To respond to a column, submit a comment to letters@usatoday.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Biden loan forgiveness, Trump Mar-a-Lago search, US Open ... zucchini