Big Ten football Misery Index: Parsing The Good Book for Michigan QB requirements

We knew Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh was an old-school type of guy — consider his Bo-meets-Woody clothing vibe, his run-heavy offenses and his insistence that all a man needs in life is whole milk, a good steak and a win over Ohio State every seven years.

But Old Testament? That’s new.

And yet, there was coach Harbs last Monday espousing his “biblical” solution to the Wolverines’ two-quarterback problem, citing “Solomon” as the inspiration of his plan to split the job between Cade McNamara and J.J. McCarthy over U-M’s first two nonconference games.

That’s from 1 Kings 3:16-28, we think. We’re not exactly sure, since King Solomon didn’t actually split anything in half according to that book of the Bible. Spoiler alert: He threatened to split a baby in half — some serious Scott Frost vibes there — between two mothers claiming it, expecting the deserving mother to surrender her child in order to keep it from being split in two. (She did.)

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McNamara’s 9-for-18 performance with several missed throws wasn’t exactly a surrender; but it’s not exactly showing the tightest grip on the job, either. Add in McCarthy’s solid check-down decisions and “electric” running — that’s a quote from coach Harbs, not the Bible — and, well, maybe Old Testament is indeed the way to go in the Big House.

Or maybe Harbaugh was going for something else, since he cited the New Testament in a Michgian athletic department podcast, joking that he was looking for a QB who could “turn water into wine” (ahem, from John 2.1-11, and we don’t mean Harbaugh’s brother in Baltimore). That, we’re pretty sure, is a reference to Jesus, aka “The Man from Nazareth.” Know who else is from Nazareth — or at least Nazareth Academy (in La Grange Park, Illinois)? Yep, one Jonathan James McCarthy.

Hey, this biblical stuff is starting to make sense! Of course, that’s probably not the only metric Harbaugh may be cribbing from The Good Book. A few others:

Able to “build a boat for yourself” (Genesis 6.9-9.17): This one’s pretty self-explanatory — no one in maize and blue wants a repeat of the 2017 loss to the Spartans in a massive storm in Ann Arbor. Better get yourself a QB with ark-building enthusiasm unknown to mankind.

Able to survive “inside the large fish for three days and nights” (Jonah 1.17): This one’s a little more abstract, but hey, the Wolverines have visit to Piscataway and Rutgers in November — gotta be ready for anything, right?

“Stay away from Sodom and Gomorrah” (Genesis 19): This might not apply this year, actually — Southern Cal and UCLA don’t join the Big Ten until 2024.

Able to “beat Ohio State in Columbus:” OK, this one isn’t literally mentioned in either the Old or New Testament, but the book of Revelation covers the signs of the end times, right? Maybe coach Harbs skipped ahead …

For what it’s worth, he isn’t even the only coach with a biblical inspiration — or a two-QB system. Isaiah 34:3 certainly seems to cover Rutgers coach Greg Schiano’s usage of Evan Simon and Gavin Wimsatt (who combined for 110 yards passing) on Saturday: “Their slain will be thrown out, their dead bodies will stink; the mountains will be soaked with their blood.”

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And we’re not entirely painting Michigan State football's Mel Tucker as David taking down Goliath (1 Samuel 17), but, hey, even noted Spartan underdog Nick Saban didn’t beat Michigan in his first two tries at Michigan State. While Tuck loads his slingshot — aka Payton Thorne’s arm — for a third try on Oct. 29, let’s run through the misery index, from least miserable to most in this two-game week:

Honorable mention: UCLA (W, 45-17, over Bowling Green) and USC (W, 66-14, over Rice)

We won’t be ranking the Bruins and Trojans every week, but we should point out the Brue-Crew’s strong step toward Big Ten-ification in their opener — UCLA trailed perennial MAC doormat BGSU 17-7 in the second quarter Saturday before scoring the final 38 points. They keep practicing and in a couple years, they can lose to a MAC squad just like a real Big Ten program!

14. Indiana: W, 23-20, over Illinois

Record: 1-0, 1-0 Big Ten. Last week’s ranking: 3.

Indiana’s first Big Ten victory in 637 days (since beating Wisconsin, 14-6, on Dec. 5, 2020) makes them the least miserable squad in the conference — we think — thanks to a game-winning 75-yard drive, capped by a TD with 23 seconds remaining. Look, it’s been a while since Indiana won at all, so coach Tom Allen has kinda forgotten how to just say, “Scoreboard, baby!” Instead, he went with this Friday night: “The bottom line, last time I checked, is we got more points than they did.”

13. Ohio State: W, 21-10, over Notre Dame

Record: 1-0, 0-0. Last week: T-4.

It wasn’t pretty as Buckeyes QB C.J. Stroud picked up a season’s worth of incompletions — 10! — in just one game against No. 5 Notre Dame. But coach Ryan Day seemed happy, telling reporters, ““We wanted to be known as something other than talented.” Coulda saved us all a lot of time and bought some Rutgers gear, but you do you, coach.

T-12. Minnesota: W, 38-0, over New Mexico State

Record: 1-0, 0-0. Last week: T-4.

Coach P.J. Fleck has finally mastered “Minnesota Nice:” He and former Minnesota coach Jerry Kill (who was also his boss at NIU) ended their five-year feud with a 90-second pregame conversation (documented, without words, in full by a Minneapolis TV station) — and then the Gophers buried the Aggies, allowing just 16 minutes of possession and 33 plays. All that was missing was a to-go container of hot dish for the trip back to Las Cruces.

T-12. Wisconsin: W, 38-0, over Illinois State

Record: 1-0, 0-0. Last week: T-4.

The Badgers avenged the Big Ten’s 2016 loss to the Redbirds (Northwestern, 9-6, on Sept. 10, 2016) with, basically, three big plays — a holy trinity, you might say: Chimere Dike had a 74-yard catch, Braelon Allen had a 96-yard TD run (a program record) and John Torchio had a 100-yard pick-six (also a program record).

10. Northwestern: DNP

Record: 1-0, 1-0. Last week: 14.

The Wildcats didn’t even play and still managed to gain half a game in the standings on the Boilermakers and Illini. Like manna from the heavens, no?

9. Penn State: W, 35-31, over Purdue

Record: 1-0, 1-0. Last week: T-4.

QB Sean Clifford is in Year 6 in Happy Valley — he became just the third Penn State QB to start in four different seasons, and the third to top 8,000 yards passing. We’d call him Methuselah, but even that dude moved on eventually.

8. Michigan: W, 51-7, over Colorado State

Record: 1-0, 0-0. Last week: 12.

Look, Harbaugh’s not the first fella to sacrifice a Ram to get ahead, but at least Abraham didn’t do it in front of 109,000 people (Genesis 22).

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7. Michigan State: W, 35-13, over Western Michigan

Record: 1-0, 0-0. Last week: T-4.

Coach Tuck slinging a little Mark 1.17 to edge rusher Jacoby Windmon, who had four sacks vs. the Broncos: “Come with me, and I will teach you to catch people.” (Rounding up disciples took a lot more legwork before the transfer portal, y’know?)

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6. Rutgers: W, 22-21, over Boston College

Record: 1-0, 0-0. Last week: 2.

Even in a win, Rutgers gonna Rutgers: the Scarlet Knights turned a first-half first-and-goal from the 10 into a fourth-and-goal from the 43 (and punted). Possibly related: Greg Schiano is just one win away from tying Frank Burns (78 wins from 1973-83) as the school’s winningest coach.

5. Purdue: L, 35-31, to Penn State

Record: 0-1, 0-1. Last week: 11.

Wide receiver Charlie Jones, a transfer from Iowa, had 153 yards receiving Thursday in his Boilermakers debut; that’s 44 yards more than the entire Hawkeyes receiving corps combined for on Saturday (but we’ll get to them).

4. Maryland: W, 31-10, over Buffalo

Record: 1-0, 0-0. Last week: T-4.

The Terps have averaged 46.6 points against nonconference foes under coach Mike Locksley, who took over in 2019. Possibly related: Their next game, at Charlotte on Saturday, is their first nonconference road game since a loss to Temple on Sept. 14, 2019.

3. Illinois: L, 23-20, to Indiana

Record: 1-1, 0-1. Last week: 13.

Coach Bret Bielema summed up the Illini’s conference opener thusly: “Before you can win, you've got to prevent yourself from losing.” That’s not from the New Testament — it’s just what you say when you run 90 plays and manage just 20 points.

2. Iowa: W, 7-3, over South Dakota State

Record: 1-0, 0-0. Last week: T-4.

A field goal and two safeties — at home — against an Football Championship Subdivision squad (albeit one that went 11-4 in 2021 and made the national semifinals). We’d have made them No. 1, but honestly? We think the Hawkeyes might enjoy these wins a little too much, just based on this postgame quote from Iowa safety/wise man Quinn Schulte: “We’re trying to score as much as we can on the defensive side, however we can do it.” To borrow a phrase, Hawkeyes offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz sure picked the right guy to be his dad.

1. Nebraska: W, 38-17, over North Dakota

Record: 1-1, 0-1. Last week: 1.

Yes, they won, but the Huskers of Corn went into the half tied at 7-all with an FCS squad that went 5-6 in 2021. We’d say the fans in Lincoln were justified in booing them, but they might have just been upset they weren’t getting free booze like the fans in Ireland last week. Actually, forget turning the other cheek — we’d probably boo, too, if we had to watch this Nebraska offense AND pay for beers.

2022 BIG TEN MISERY INDEX

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This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football Misery Index: Jim Harbaugh's biblical Michigan QBs