Bill Kirby: English is language of funny sayings, odd words, spelling challenges

" 'Time heals everything.' Know who said that? My Latin teacher in barber college."

– Floyd Lawson, Mayberry barber

I was watching "Andy Griffith" reruns with my mother when I heard the philosopher sheriff of Mayberry describing a level of poverty "poor as Job's turkey."

It's a humorous observation, but most of us know the Bible doesn't connect the suffering Job with turkey farming. In fact, the Good Book doesn't mention the fowl of our Thanksgiving feasts because it was a bird from the American continents that Job never saw.

Most sources credit the "Job's turkey" poverty standard as an invention of Thomas Haliburton, a Canadian humorist writing in the 1800s.

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Funny how our language evolves, isn't it?

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE: You're familiar with old Westerns, the ones where a coward is called "yellow"?

But why? I used to think it meant someone was likely to wet his pants, but that might not be it.

There was a medieval belief that the liver was the "seat of courage" in the body. It was noticed that people with failing livers often turned a yellowish color. So if their "seat of courage" was faltering, they were "turning yellow."

This relates to the other description of a coward being "lily livered." A lily is a pale flower and the description suggests your "seat of courage" is pale, as well.

As I said, English is a funny language.

TOUGH TO SPELL, TOO: One of the more confusing spelling practices of colonial days was that "s" that looked like an "f."

According to a definition from Britain's Guardian newspaper website, "The f-like s was a tall variant used at the start or in the middle of a word … the modern s was used at the end or after a tall s."

That doesn't make sense and this rule was so complicated, people quit using it, the newspaper said. (Thank goodness.)

I LOVE LEXICOGRAPHY: There are few better illustrations of English challenges than a sketch on the old "I Love Lucy" TV show where husband Ricky Ricardo is showing wife Lucy how he would read a children's book to their new child. It aired in December 1952 and can be found on YouTube.

Ricky gently stumbles through a thicket of English pronunciations in the story of a man of the forest who cuts tree "booges." – "Boughs," Lucy corrects him.

Ricky tries to correct himself when he continues to read that tree-cutting makes the man's hands … "row," – "Rough," Lucy says, looking at the word.

Ricky continues to read that at the end of the day, the man's work was … "thuff" – "Through," Lucy tells him.

Then Ricky reads that the poor woodsman had developed a hacking … "cue." – "Cough," Lucy says.

Frustrated, Ricky quits reading, saying, "I've had enough … or should I say 'enu'?"

TODAY'S JOKE: A struggling salesman had been on the road for weeks developing a new territory when he stopped at a small restaurant for breakfast.

"What'll you have?" asked a grumpy, gum-chewing waitress.

The salesman sighed and said, "All I want are two fried eggs and some kind words."

After a while, the waitress returned and tossed a plate of unappealing eggs in front of him. Then she turned to walk away.

"Wait a minute," said the salesman. "What about the kind words?"

The waitress paused, turned around and said, "Don't eat the eggs."

Bill Kirby has reported, photographed and commented on life in Augusta and Georgia for 45 years.

This article originally appeared on Augusta Chronicle: English can be fun for everyone, but it has its challenges