Blundo: Based on recent Supreme Court decision, what's next? Ballistic missiles ruled OK?

Supreme Court decisions of the future:

Walter 'Wildeyes' Smith vs. Newsom

Continuing its radical extension of gun rights, the court rules that the state of California cannot prohibit Smith from owning an intercontinental ballistic missile that he fashioned using a 3D printer and parts he bought on the internet.

Writing for the court’s conservative majority, Justice Clarence Thomas says that because the Second Amendment right to bear arms did not expressly prohibit ICBMs, California should not have confiscated Smith’s “Minuteman Lite,” even if it does have multiple warheads.

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A jubilant Smith declares, “I’d like to thank our great Supreme Court. Now If that Kim Whatshisname takes a notion to shoot off a missile at me, I’ll be able to stand my ground instead of hiding under my kitchen table like them liberals over in Sacramento want me to do.”

Pretty Skies Inc. vs. Humanity

In a ruling with implications for the environment, the court decides that Pretty Skies Inc. should be allowed to produce beautiful sunsets by releasing pollutants that scatter rays of sunlight, resulting in vivid colors pleasing to wealthy tourists at exclusive resorts.

Justice Brett Kavanaugh, writing for the court’s conservative majority, says that lower courts improperly prohibited Pretty Skies from contributing to climate change by polluting the air for profit.

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Kavanaugh notes that in “olden days,” horses pooped in the streets, and he once saw a movie where people blithely dumped the contents of chamber pots from second story windows.

Yet the framers of the Constitution never bothered to prohibit such activity.

“And those substances were far yuckier than the little bit of sulfur dioxide or methane or whatever that Pretty Skies is pumping into the air over a Club Med for the enjoyment of privileged people, many of whom I am personally fond of.”

Texas Department of Highways vs. Common Decency

The background: After Texas privatizes its highway rest stops, several for-profit operators decide to cut costs by eliminating just the women’s sides of these highway bathrooms.

Thousands of women join a class-action lawsuit, saying that Texas is allowing the companies to discriminate against them while also violating their right to privacy.

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Writing for the court’s conservative majority, Justice Samuel Alito says it’s not discrimination because men, owing to well-known insecurities about their anatomy, need a private place for certain functions more than women do.

He also cites evidence that women traveling the Oregon Trail in covered wagons in the 1800s had no rest stops at all, yet they managed to make the long trek without complaining about “so-called privacy rights found nowhere in the Constitution.”

Therefore, he concludes, “Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.”

Random minor rulings

Based on their narrow reading of the Constitution, the court’s conservative justices also overturn the Second Law of Thermodynamics, the theory of evolution and the five-second rule.

Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.

joe.blundo@gmail.com

@joeblundo

This article originally appeared on The Columbus Dispatch: Recent Supreme Court rulings have Blundo pondering ballistic missiles