Can a Handsy Older Man Like Joe Biden Change His Ways?
Joe Biden's 2020 campaign hasn't even launched, and already it's marred by a long-simmering open secret: "Uncle Joe" is an overly touchy man. In an essay for The Cut, former Nevada lieutenant governor nominee Lucy Flores accused the 76-year-old former vice president of planting "a big slow kiss" on the back of her head in 2014, explaining that such seemingly minor transgressions-captured for years in press photos from political events-"often feel considerable to the person on the receiving end."
Former political fundraiser Amy Lappos told the Hartford Courant that in 2009 he put his hands around her neck and pulled her in to "rub noses." In The New York Times, 22-year-old Caitlyn Caruso accused Biden of resting his hand on her thigh several years ago at an event about campus sexual assault. Writer D.J. Hill claims he slid his hand down her back in 2012.
In response, Biden released a video on Twitter, in which he vowed to "be more mindful and respectful of people’s personal space.”
“Social norms have begun to change, they’ve shifted, and the boundaries of protecting personal space have been reset and I get it. I get it. I hear what they’re saying. I understand it and I'll be much more mindful," he says in the two-minute long clip. "That's my responsibility and I'll meet it."
In his first public speech since the controversy, Biden joked to the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers on Friday that he got "permission to hug Lonnie [Stephenson, IBEW's international president]." In an attempt to clarify the remark, he reportedly told journalists afterward that, "It wasn’t my intent to make light of anyone’s discomfort. I realize it’s my responsibility to not invade the space of anyone who is uncomfortable in this regard."
"I’m sorry I didn’t understand more," he reportedly said. "I’m not sorry for any of my intentions. I’m not sorry for anything I have ever done. I’ve never been disrespectful, intentionally, to a man or a woman."
The story of Biden's handsiness has taken off, in part, because it's so familiar-especially in professional settings. Many women have had older male bosses whose way of relating seem to date back to days when there fewer women in the workplace, who celebrate subordinates' successes like a teammate's walk-off home run, or who treat female coworkers like their sister, aunt, or niece. Today, that inappropriate behavior is often trivialized or deemed innocuous, leading us to hold contradictory ideas: “This behavior isn’t criminal," and “It's not okay.”
According to Lucy Adams, author of HR Disrupted and The HR Change Toolkit, older men often don’t understand that "certain behaviors are not actually positive for women, but problematic." Based on her experience, she’s guessing the former vice president is likely feeling "a little bit bruised and embarrassed" in the wake of the public outcry over his touchiness.
"What you usually see is a period of reflection, if he's a decent human being. If they are in fact an asshole who doesn't care, you'll find the behavior can be negative towards you," Adams, the former HR director of BBC News, adds. "But with most nice guys, the ones who just didn't realize [what they were doing was wrong], you see a slightly bruised, humiliated period."
When physical behavior is clearly inappropriately sexual or incredibly uncomfortable or an obvious power play, it's much easier to address, Adams says. With men like Biden, it's not as clear cut. "They're nice guys, they're older, and we can't work out whether what they're doing is in fact wrong or whether we should just get over it," she explains. "We don't want to make a big deal about it, because we like them. But we're just not comfortable."
It's important to trust your instincts in that case. "Is that little voice inside your gut telling you that this is just off beam, that this is not just about being friendly? If it is that, then you've got to call it out, you've got to report it," Adams says. "It gets tougher when your instincts are telling you, 'This man genuinely can't see that he's doing anything wrong. This guy believes that he is being friendly and supportive and encouraging. But I don't feel comfortable with it.'"
Older men who grew up “in a different era” often remain oblivious of being too "handsy" with women at work, Adams says. "They're trying to be supportive, but they're just misguided. And they haven't had the benefit of being educated. They haven't had the benefit. Now, you might say, 'Well, God, they should by now know.'"
Can the touchiness be trained away? Some companies have implemented more inclusive HR seminars to address these situations, Adams says, but because people have different interpretations of "personal space," it's really a contextual issue. If a woman is crying in the office after a hard day and a male coworker puts his hand on her shoulder, it can be interpreted in many different ways.
"In that situation, instead of automatically going up to a woman and putting your arm around them, you could say, 'I'm really concerned about you. I felt like I wanted to put my hand on your shoulder, but I wasn't sure you'd be okay with that,'" Adams says. "The individual can then turn around and say, 'Actually, yeah, it's fine.' or 'No, I'm good, thanks.' The key thing is to be empathetic of different personalities and understanding that their behavior may need to adapt."
"A lot of these guys have not had to adapt," she adds. "They've always behaved like this, and it's always been okay."
Adams outlines a three-step plan for dealing with a handsy older man. "Try a degree of humor," she says. "In my experience, 90 percent of the time, dealing with it in a way that doesn't humiliate and embarrass the guy, but just deals with it in a kind of slightly humorous way, really works."
If it happens again, Adams recommends confronting him one-on-one, before going to HR. "Once you involve HR, you have put in a grievance, you've made it formal [and] what you'll find is that that guy will become defensive, he will start to protect himself," she says. "In that situation, usually he or you are leaving that role. It's very difficult to come back from that. I've met so many women that did go down the formal grievance route, who said, 'I just wanted the behavior to stop. I didn't actually want him to be punished or humiliated.'"
But if it happens a third time, "go nuclear," Adams says. "Go to HR."
The key thing, she says, is to deal with the situation. Don't let it sit.
"Don't let it go. Don't just go, 'Oh it must be me,'" Adams says. "If your instincts are telling you this isn't right, even if you like him, especially if you like him, then give him the opportunity to learn... 90 percent of the time, you will find that the guys have no desire to make you feel uncomfortable, are apologetic, and learn from it.”
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