My Boyfriend Just Said My Family’s Favorite Wedding Ritual Makes Him “Want to Vomit”

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

While it could be viewed as an antiquated tradition, all of my brothers-in-law took my parents out to a nice dinner to ask for their “blessing” to ask for my sisters’ hand in marriage. It is just a nice family tradition. No one really asked for permission and my sisters had all planned their engagements ahead of time. My parents welcomed my boyfriend with open arms, and we are planning to get married. He is trans and comes from a very disturbing fundamentalist background. He says the thought of asking my parents for their blessing makes him want to vomit. I have tried to be understanding. I don’t ask him to come to church when we visit my family, even though it is a family tradition and our pastor is a woman. Am I awful for pressing on this? It will really hurt my parents if doesn’t happen. I have suggested I go with dinner with them and he pops the question while I am in the bathroom. Mom will get teary and Dad will want to hug. My boyfriend is digging in his heels; should I be digging in mine?

—Blessing

Dear Blessing,

You can continue to press the issue, but ultimately, you have to accept that your boyfriend’s background may prevent him from ever feeling comfortable with such an old-school tradition—one that likely brings up a lot of feelings about the conservative teachings of his upbringing.
Let him know that while the custom means a lot to your family, he doesn’t actually “require” their permission to propose to you. Remind him that your parents have embraced him and assure him that they will be excited to know that he wants to marry you. If he is unable to bring himself around, you’ll just have to explain to your parents that your boyfriend rejects certain conventions and that he doesn’t believe in asking for a woman’s parents blessing before getting engaged. Hopefully, they will understand that this ritual, while nice, isn’t necessary, and they will continue to accept him and your pending marriage.

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m gay and have been secretly married for 7 years. I came out to my Beijing-based parents last year, which devastated them. I’ve been in the U.S. for nearly a decade, so I haven’t seen them, and I haven’t spoken to my recently-converted Christian dad for 8 years. My Christian mom condemns my sexuality and urges me to separate from my husband. Recently, my mom, who is facing health issues, attributed her illness to my sexuality and marriage, causing both her and my dad much distress. I’m torn: Should I reconnect with them despite their judgment and contrasting values, or should I prioritize my own happiness and beliefs? Any advice on navigating parent-child conflicts over sexuality and religion would be deeply appreciated.

—Seeking Understanding

Dear Seeking Understanding,

Your parents’ religion, as they understand and observe it, informs how they see the world. Based on what they believe to be proper Christian doctrine, they are unwilling and unable to accept you for who you are. You have to decide for yourself if it is worth enduring their homophobia to maintain a relationship with them. So long as you remain in touch, they are likely to criticize your relationship and identity. From what you shared, it doesn’t seem hopeful that your parents would have a change of heart about these views as a result of being connected to you. It also doesn’t seem to be the case that they would hold their tongues in order to maintain your relationship. If you can endure hearing your parents say tremendously hurtful things, possibly every time that you speak with them, then you can go forward and try to reconnect with them, under the condition that the subject of your queerness remains off the table. If you don’t think you could bear enduring their condemnation on a regular basis, then I suggest that you consider remaining estranged from your father and cutting your mother off. She has literally blamed her health crisis on you for simply being who you are. It’s hard to imagine her treating you much better in the future.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

When my husband died, I used his life insurance to pay off my mortgage. Our house is a small two-bedroom with a one-bedroom studio apartment on the grounds. My mother-in-law was my rock at the time because I just had a miscarriage that landed me in the hospital before he died.
We even agreed to a cremation rather than a funeral because I was too weak to attend. My mother-in-law moved into the apartment about five years ago (three years after my husband died) because her cancer treatments have left her bankrupt. She pays me enough rent to cover utilities and taxes and takes care of the garden. The problem is I want to sell and move. My sisters and their kids have both moved back to our hometown and our parents have retired to the southern part of the state. I have looked and gotten good job offers in the area. My mother-in-law is furious and hurt that I would even think of leaving. She tells me she has nowhere to go. Her other children aren’t great (jailbirds and booze hounds). She couldn’t afford to get a mortgage even if I sold her the apartment, and it would greatly damage the value of the property. I could offer her a large monetary settlement, but it wouldn’t last forever and she has a bad habit of trying to rescue her other kids. I feel such guilt here. Help.

—Want to Move On

Dear Move On

You’ve looked out for your mother-in-law for five years. I think it is reasonable for you to want to relocate closer to your family and reimagine a life for yourself outside of the town where you lost your husband. However, I think you should consider asking your MIL to come with you. It sounds like she truly has limited options; if you give her a large monetary settlement, she’d likely spend it on her ne’er-do-well children, and it wouldn’t be enough to cover rent long-term. If your husband were living, it’s likely that his mother would be staying with the two of you. It feels wrong for you to leave her out in the cold, especially considering that you relied on her greatly when your husband passed away. It was the funds from his life insurance that allowed you to pay off the mortgage in the first place, and he would surely want you to look out for her in his absence. It may not be an ideal scenario, and you may have to do some convincing to get her to leave the area, but I think taking her with you is the right thing to do. If she refuses, or if you absolutely canot fathom this arrangement, you may consider helping her to find other housing and using the cash you would have otherwise given to her to pay for her expenses for a period of time in advance.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m an adult of divorced parents. I visit my dad fairly often since we reconnected after losing my paternal grandmother. For many years, I only heard my mom’s thoughts on my dad and I internalized a lot of them. But I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt now that I can hear his side.

However, my mom and my dad cannot get along. On one hand, it is nice to have someone to commiserate to when mom drives me up the wall, as I’m living with her while I save for a place. On the other, it sometimes feels like they haven’t grown up AT ALL! It’s the same “mom against dad” rhetoric most KIDS grow out of. But they still sometimes make me feel like a pawn between them. There are times I’m not entirely sure who’s telling the truth of a statement when something happens, or really whenever they communicate. I feel guilty going to see my dad, but eventually I’m moving out from my mom’s! What can I do about, well, any of this?

—The Adult Child

Dear Adult Child,

You have to stay out of your parents’ drama, and the best way to do that is to stop talking to them about the other parent, and stop letting them talk to you about each other. So long as you complain to your father when your mom drives you nuts, you are going to encourage him to get riled up about his own gripes with her. Allowing them to vent to you about each other will only continue to make you a pawn. Let them both know that the subject of your other parent is now off the table, and be firm about it. Explain that you don’t like feeling caught in the middle of their issues with one another and that you refuse to do it any longer. Be firm about this rule, and be careful not to backslide when you want to complain about one parent or the other.

—Jamilah

My mother-in-law hates me and makes no bones about it when she and I are alone. My husband doesn’t believe me, and she even gloats about that. We have to attend family functions at her home about once a month. (It used to be more frequent, but after I put my foot down, my husband agreed that monthly would be sufficient.) The problem is that after each visit, I wind up with a bad case of diarrhea; my husband does not…