My Boyfriend Justifies His Laziness Around the House Based on My Salary
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My partner (M) and I (F) have been together for five years, living together for four, living in a home we purchased for three. They make more than three times what I do, but we have agreed to split things by thirds—mortgage, bills, vacations, groceries, etc. It has come out over the last year or so as I have become more overwhelmed with housework and asking him for more help that he feels his larger financial contribution means that he can do less work around the house. The first solution was to get regular house cleaning, which has been a godsend, and I am grateful it is something we can afford. I am still left with meal planning, cooking, vacation planning, household laundry (not his), keeping tabs on his kids, etc. He usually mows the lawn and does home repairs—very gendered work. He said that he would do more if we split things 50/50, but he didn’t think that was possible due to my salary being so much lower. Our living expenses are paid for proportionally. His portion is not compensating me for the time I spend doing housework. Please help me with a script. I need help framing an argument that because I make less money doesn’t automatically mean I have to make up the difference in free labor.
—Tired of Being Tired
Dear Tired of Being Tired,
Dividing up expenses and chores with a partner can be a tricky conversation. I spoke to Aura De Los Santos, a clinical psychologist and a specialist at E- HEALTH project, for some added insight on how to navigate your situation.
A lot of couples share a similar situation to yours to maintain the balance between chores and expenses. However, the issue arises when one partner—your partner, in this case—believes their income absolves them completely from household duties. “Instead of him saying that to give her more help, they have to be 50/50, it is important that they have a conversation and that she tells him in detail which areas she needs help,” Santos said. “Household chores (and more so when there are children involved) are not only solved with money—organization and the correct distribution of chores will help things to be in a better balance.”
Make as detailed a list as you can with all of the things you do and are in charge of for the family. Maybe it’s getting his kids to school, cooking dinner, planning meals, cleaning the house, running errands, etc. Sit down together, go over each item, and explain why you need additional help. You can then tell him you absolutely need both of you to divide and conquer on these tasks moving forward. “The couple should make a reorganization of the tasks and establish days and hours to take care of the children, have meals prepared, and other activities,” Santos said. And as for that script on how to get through to him, you laid it out quite nicely yourself: “Our living expenses are paid for proportionally. His portion is not compensating me for the time I spend doing housework.” Lean into that message. Good luck.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I have recently been trying to eat healthier. I really don’t like cooking and like convenience food so my dietitian recommended making small changes to my diet and slowly working up to my goals. It’s been working well until recently. I have some store-bought desserts that I love. I’ve recently realized that I only really love part of the dessert and the other part I don’t really care for. I’ve started eating the parts I love and throwing away the parts I don’t like, but this weekend I realized that this is extremely wasteful. I feel like I’m throwing money down the drain. I also feel like wasting this food is a terrible thing to do in a world where millions of people face food insecurity every year. It’s not like I can just buy my favorite part of the dessert, though. I’m feeling like this is just a dumb idea and I’m now worried that all my healthy eating habits are going to start being super wasteful and/or expensive. Help!
—The Food Waster
Dear Food Waster,
Congratulations on starting your new healthy journey, and props for getting a dietitian. Small steps become big results and make it easier to be consistent with new habits. But you’re overthinking the financial side of this.
Yes, food waste is terrible, but it might help to think of it in terms of scale. You’re still eating and enjoying some part of these snacks, which means it’s slightly different than if you were buying multiple groceries each week that ended up directly in your trash bin. Don’t beat yourself up too much over this. One thing you can do to help cut down on waste is to figure out how to make your own uncomplicated desserts. This list has 20-plus three-step recipes that you can choose from. Hearing “recipes” might send you running, but remember, you can keep it simple.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My ex and I share equal custody of our preteen daughter, “Sophie.” My ex remarried a man with two daughters including “Ella” who is a year older than Sophie. Mom is somewhere I guess, but the girls live with their dad full time. Sophie has a cousin the same age, “Lana.” Lana is going through a very rough time because her mom is battling cancer and has shitty health insurance. There isn’t a lot of money. Lana basically has whatever hand-me-downs the family will give her. She is also a stubborn and proud girl. So I bought a $200 gift card to a store the girls are crazy about. My plan was to buy a treat or two for Sophie and Lana and then give the gift card to Lana to go crazy on. I had “won” the card at work and couldn’t exchange it so it isn’t like it would cost me anything. (My best friend and his mom growing up basically pulled the same trick. He got gifts that he hated and couldn’t exchange so “they would be giving them away anyway” and would offer them to me. His aunt in Cleveland apparently had terrible taste but knew mine.)
The only thing is Ella got stuck with us because her dad and sister were sick and my ex didn’t see the “harm” in dropping all three girls off on me without asking. Ella is a spoiled brat. I bought her a gift like I did Lana and Sophie, but once I gave Lana the gift card, she whined and pouted. She basically kept asking why Lana got everything so Lana was humiliated. Sophie was ready to fight. And I put my foot in my mouth. I told Ella to stop being greedy. Lana was basically my niece so she gets the shopping spree since I rarely see her. Exactly why did Ella think she was entitled to anything from me? She got a gift and lunch. Be happy. Ella got quiet and Lana finished off her shopping spree. I thought the matter was settled until my ex decided to rip me a new one. Apparently, Ella locked herself in her room and cried all weekend. I told my ex Ella wasn’t my problem. I had a day planned around Sophie and Lana. I cared about Lana and all the stuff she was going through. I might not technically be her uncle anymore, but I care about her. My ex just went on and on and on about her blended family troubles and I lost it and asked what her sister, the cancer patient, would say about all this because she texted me thanking me. What my ex called me wasn’t printable. So things are sour with my ex. Sophie is fighting with Ella and asking to move in with me. Lana’s mom isn’t looking good. I tried to do something good here. It blew up. So what do I do now?
—Shopping Spree
Dear Shopping Spree,
Blended families can be challenging, and you tried to do a good thing. I also understand the frustration you must have felt when your ex dropped off Ella with you without having a previous discussion, as you are not Ella’s babysitter. But Ella is a kid, and it sounds like you took your anger out on the wrong person. How would you feel if an adult talked to Sophie in the exact same way you spoke to Ella? I suspect you’d be angry.
While it certainly was annoying and frustrating when she started whining about Lana getting a shopping spree, you had to have taken a step back. She’s a preteen, and she’s figuring life (and fairness) out. She didn’t know your end goal for said shopping spree. Asking why Lana got special treatment was annoying, but she was likely seeing it as a matter of fairness.
You need to sit down with your ex, or at least initiate a phone call, and explain that you were in the wrong about taking it out on Ella. But this is also the right time to set a boundary. Tell her you won’t be able to take in Ella in the future because, obviously, you need your own space when spending time with your daughter. This should give you enough space to focus on your kid and her cousin Lana without getting into a battle with your ex in the future.
—Athena
Am I raising a mansplainer? My son is almost 5, and he has always been very voluble and also willful. For the past few months, he has taken to interrupting us when we are talking and saying, “Actually! Actually …” He does this to both me, his mother, and to his father, my spouse. It occurs when we are explaining things to him, and of course he is always really wrong, because he is 4.
