My boyfriend's sister derails our dog training. Can I refuse to let her puppysit?

Question: "My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and live together. We got a puppy – she's the cutest thing – when she was 12 weeks old (she's currently eight months). She is a great pup, very friendly with people and other dogs and most of all she does not bark much. My boyfriend has three other dogs at his parents' house with his older sister, who lives with their parents.

His sister loves dogs... I mean LOVES. She goes above and beyond for her dogs and refers to them as her children. She was ecstatic when we got our dog. She offered to watch her for the weekend to play with the other dogs. We agreed, since our dog Chloe loves other dogs. We dropped her off on Friday and picked her up Sunday morning. When we picked her up we noticed Chloe was barking at anything and everything (she didn’t used to do that). My boyfriend said, “Chloe, no. What's going on? No barking.” When his sister heard she said, “Leave her alone, she can bark all she wants here. If you don’t want her to bark, then I can just keep her here where she can be herself!” I was shocked at how openly she just dismissed my boyfriend’s desire to not have her bark.

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Of course, she can bark, she's a dog, but we meant to not let her get used to barking at people, other dogs, bikes going by – that sort of thing. But my boyfriend didn’t say anything to his sister. On our way home I asked him why he didn't say anything. I let him know that I no longer wanted to let her watch our dog if she was not going to respect how we wanted her to be trained. He said, “I respect your decision” and moved on.

Well, yesterday we got a message from his sister saying, “Hi guys I think Chloe wants to come over. Can anyone drop her off and I can bring her back the next day on my way to work?” I lied and said, “No, I’ll be giving her a bath this weekend maybe another time.” I felt awful lying but I didn’t know what else to do. I was expecting my boyfriend to have the conversation with his sister so that I wouldn’t have to. Am I overreacting? Should I just let her watch our dog?"

Answer: I’m typically in the boat of your pet, your rules (as long as they’re healthy, happy, etc). So if your boyfriend’s sister is not going to respect your boundary of not encouraging your dog to bark at stimuli, then it would be fair that she doesn’t get to puppysit. Now I’m not a dog trainer, but I have owned a few dogs and spent a great deal of time working with trainers for my reactive German shepherd that I rescued. Something I learned that really surprised me is that what we commonly understand as “socialization” and a dog’s ability to play with other dogs isn’t the most important thing. Quality socialization is actually all about neutralization and getting your dog to be calm, confident, and composed in any situation. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend signing up for an introductory training class or puppy socialization program. Giving your dog a solid foundation and training is important, especially at her young age.

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Now, I may be a bit more sensitive due to having an extremely reactive dog that was aggressive toward any other dog and new people, but when I hear your puppy is being encouraged to bark at people walking by, dogs, bikes and other things, it worries me that it could be a recipe for producing a reactive dog or at least one that’s not confident in herself and environment. According to an article on Fetch by WebMD, dogs bark for a variety of reasons including but not limited to territorial/protective, fear, attention-seeking, and over excitement. Barking has an underlying cause, but positive reinforcement can strengthen that behavior. You recognize that your dog is a dog, and she’s going to bark sometimes. But you’re not rewarding the behavior, whereas his sister may be if you’re not there to monitor.

At the end of the day, it's your dog and she’s still at an impressionable age so you are completely justified in whatever decision you two make regarding his sister and puppysitting. That being said, it should fall to your boyfriend to have a conversation with his sister and establish those boundaries. It’s important when in relationships that each person deals with conflict or tough conversations with their family of origin. It will help keep the relationship between you all the healthiest, and you feeling the most heard and respected by your partner. Hope this helps and good luck with your puppers.

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Can I refuse to let my boyfriend's sister puppysit?