When a bride and groom just want money, how much should you give?
QUESTION: We have a relative that chose to have a destination wedding and specified that in lieu of gifts, they wanted money for a honeymoon. The struggle is how do you determine what is an appropriate amount?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: It would be the same amount you give if it was a gift. Any amount is fine.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I don’t like the practice of dictating what people should give for personal events, although I do understand the original purpose of a wedding registry, which the Marshall Fields department store originated in the 1920s, according to the wedding organization website The Knot. The registry helped couples establish what they needed to set up their home together, offering wedding guests a way to purchase items that were part of a set (China, flatware, etc.) and get items they knew the couple needed.
Today, requests for specific gifts via registries have extended to all kinds of occasions, and I can see both why these are helpful and also why they take some of the joy and personal nature out of gift-giving and gift-receiving. To me, this practice has turned gifts into a demand for items instead of something given or received with love and care. It is one thing to ask a couple what they would need and have them answer cash because you asked; it is quite another for a couple to ask for money up front. Setting aside my hesitation about money requests, I would give the amount you had planned to spend on a wedding gift and leave it at that. You don’t have to anguish over an “appropriate amount.”
HELEN’S ANSWER: Giving money as a wedding gift is a tradition in some communities, but I don’t think that money is supposed to help pay for the wedding or the honeymoon. If the couple wants to apply that money to the honeymoon, that is their choice.
It is certainly against every rule of etiquette to ask for a certain amount of money or to set minimums or maximums. The appropriate amount would go along with the amount of money that you might want to spend on a wedding gift.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Kirsten Cash, speech-language pathologist and mother of four: I feel asking for monetary gifts for any event, but particularly for one's honeymoon, is distasteful. Rather, the couple should plan a trip on a budget they can afford. If they happen to receive monetary gifts, they can apply those to the trip to help reduce their costs if they wish.
Personally, I would find a lovely vase or picture frame that fits my own budget and take that as my gift. If you buy a frame, put their wedding invitation inside it for an extra personal touch. They may keep it that way forever as a nice way to display the memory of their special day.
So, to answer your question, there is no appropriate amount.
Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.
This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: A bride and groom are requesting honeymoon money instead of gifts
