Bring on the Kanye-Kari Lake ticket! Here's my 2023 political wish list

Compared to the chaos of 2020 and 2021, last year was downright boring.

There were no lockdowns to boost Big Pharma. No quarantines that caused everybody to gain 30 pounds and lift the diet and fitness industry. The debates over whether Black people are included when they say “All Lives Matter” didn’t devolve into cities burning down.

There were no attempts to subvert democracy by the scam artist and his minions. (Although, Kari Lake did get ahold of the playbook for a bit.) No Black woman became the second-most powerful person in the world for the first time, only to use her position to disappear.

And instead of launching a rocket so rich people could become the Jetsons and leave the rest of us to become the Flintstones, Elon Musk bought Twitter so people could go there to ignore Donald Trump again.

2022:A look back at the year in politics

So, here’s hoping 2023 is more interesting in a good way. Consider this as my month-by-month unofficial official wish list:

January

We get a House speaker who can restore order to the Republican Party. Right now, the extreme right is dominating the process.

How cool would it be if a couple dozen Reasonable Republicans crossed over and helped Hakeem Jeffries take control of the chamber? It would isolate the obstructionist Republicans In Name Only into obsolescence.

Commonsense legislation would have a chance to pass. There would be room for cross-aisle cooperation. And it would set a tone that says the U.S. government is operational and ready to serve all of the people.

February

We get federal legislation that makes February a few days longer so that Black history month is more than just a 28-day punchline.

Also, assuming the House isn’t hijacked by a far-right fringe, maybe we could get some legislation that benefits Black people? For example, we could finally end the sentencing disparity in drug law that gets cocaine a slap on the wrist and crack a figurative life sentence.

And while we’re at it, would it be too much to ask for legislation that doesn’t ban only Tik Tok on government phones, but instead bans all social media? Maybe this would cause lawmakers to actually talk to other people, instead of clicking their way through an echo chamber of stupidity.

March

We finally do away with daylight saving time and also go to one time zone for the entire nation. I can’t be the only person in Arizona who’s sick of explaining to people in the Midwest that “no, it’s not three hours behind you this time of year; it’s only two.”

I also can’t be the only one tired of watching eggheads break out their abacuses (abacai?) to figure out what time the Cardinals play the Giants when the game starts at noon Eastern. Even if that’s better than watching Kari Lake voters take off their shoes to make the same calculation.

April

Since we don’t get April showers out West, could Elon Musk please convert Tesla or Space X or Twitter into a think tank that makes it rain like rappers in an Atlanta night club?

May

How about we get somebody to set out enough flowers to bring back the bees and the butterflies before all our crops have to be cloned in a lab?

June

Speaking of water, maybe June will be the month we lock all the Western decisionmakers into a windowless room and feed them beans until they come up with a solution to the reality that Lake Mead is basically a puddle?

Forget migration at the Southern border, we need to stop people from back East and Canada from coming down here with all their kids, pets and plants.

July

Let’s have this be the year that ALL fireworks shows are on the Fourth of July. Dogs and veterans with PTSD don’t need to hear explosions from every suburban municipality staggered out over the course of a “holiday weekend” that stretches for nearly seven days.

August

It might be an off year for federal elections, but it’s never too early to talk about Senate control!

I’d love to see Herschel Walker register as an Arizona Democrat and have him tell Kyrsten “Don’t Call Me McCain” Sinema all about vampires from here until 2024. Can you imagine what it would do for Sinema’s Instagram following?

Doug Ducey would continue to say he’s not going to run, but we all know he’s really getting his Nike track shoes laced nice and tight.

September

And while we’re talking about Walker, a former NFL star, can football please start in September and end in January like the good ol’ days?

Also, Friday nights are for high schools. Saturdays are for colleges. (Did you hear me Pac-12? Satur-DAYS. No more late-night starts that have Saturday college games end out West roughly 20 minutes before Sunday NFL games start back East.)

And maybe the NFL would be happy to just have games on Sundays and Mondays? These Thursday games that we’re apparently supposed to watch on our phones just don’t work.

No one needs football every day of the week. Least of all the players.

October

Maybe Halloween can be for kids again?

“Scantily clad Pocahontas” was never a good costume choice. Neither is a guy dressed as bedroom furniture. (“Get it?” the doofus says, “I’m a ‘one night stand!’ Amirite?! See what I did there?”)

Enough is enough.

November

Let’s not start Christmas season until Thanksgiving ends.

December

Donald Trump announces he’s running for president … of the world! His running mates are Kari Lake and Kanye West. (Hey, this is The Donald we’re talking about, why should he just have one?)

Trump changes his middle name to “Kjohn.” And they form the KKK ticket!

Naturally, they’ll lose the election for the fictitious position, demand a recount and hire a new firm to do it: The Kcyber Ksamurai Kninjas!

Reach Moore at gmoore@azcentral.com or 602-444-2236. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @SayingMoore.

There's plenty Moore where this came from. Subscribe for videos, columns, opinions and analysis from The Arizona Republic’s award-winning team. 

This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: Kari Lake and Kanye for VP: Here's my 2023 political wish list