'It’s brought a joy in our life that’s been missing': Surrogate grandkids fill void for local families

This Christmas, two local families are celebrating a unique and special gift – the gift of a new and blossoming family relationship.

Though the families are not related by blood, they have become chosen family.

They found each other on a national surrogate grandparent group on Facebook designed to help families who have a missing relationship with a grandparent or grandchild connect. Yet, ironically, the two families only live about 40 minutes apart.

Lara and Rich Wilson of Cuyahoga Falls are my longtime friends.

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The bonds the two families have formed with each other and especially among the children and grandparents is a beautiful thing to witness.

The Wilsons’ 26-year-old son, Zachary Wilson, died in his sleep of a heart arrhythmia in March 2021 in Chicago.

He was a 2013 graduate of Revere High School and 2018 graduate of Miami University of Ohio with a triple major: economics, finance and analytics. He had been working in finance in Chicago.

Understandably, Lara and Rich took the unexpected death of Zach very hard. It was painful to watch as a friend, not knowing how to provide comfort for such a loss.

But I saw a marked difference in one of Lara's Facebook posts in late October. She explained that after a lot of research, she found a Facebook group for surrogate grandparents.

In July, Lara posted in the "Surrogate Grandparents - USA" group that their oldest child decided years ago to not have children and with the loss of their son, “we know now that we will not have any grandchildren from our own children, but would love to find a family who needs that type of connection."

She listed a number of places she and Rich enjoyed, in addition to "campfires, movies in our family room, making cookies in our kitchen. But mostly spending time together ... with just love and no judgement.”

Later that day, Cassie Horvath of Lafayette Township in Medina County sent a private Facebook message.

“You sound just like the person we need in our lives,” Cassie wrote, explaining that she had been on the surrogate page and hadn’t found any longterm or local connections. Cassie and her husband, Nick, have two children, LJ who is 5 and Graham, who is 9 months.

“I have so desperately wanted to find someone to fill a grandparent role for my kids. I have ‘adoptive’ grandparents myself ... and I know how special those bonds are,” Cassie wrote.

For me as an observer, the joy that I saw in photos of Lara and Rich on her Facebook page of the new relationship – holding a baby boy and standing next to a cute little girl in a kitchen at a birthday party and the families at a pumpkin farm – was evident.

My comment echoed that of many friends: We were thrilled for them.

A few days later, I realized that I should share this wonderful story and maybe help others find a similar relationship. After some thought, the Wilsons and Horvaths agreed, saying if they could help others find what they’ve found, it would be worth it.

Discovering the surrogate grandparent group

After Zach died, Lara said that she, Rich and family were dealing with the devastation of his death. But earlier this year, Lara began feeling a twinge when she would see grandparents and grandkids.

While on a trip to Cedar Point, Lara broke down crying when she and Rich passed Planet Snoopy.

“We’ll never have little people in our lives, and it’s so crushing and so devastating,” she thought as Rich hugged her.

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Shortly after that, Lara, who is 55, read an article about surrogate grandparents. She’d never heard of the term and started researching it. She saw references to joining the local YMCA or having kids make cards for “grandparents.” But that wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted a relationship. She then stumbled upon the Facebook group.

Within a week, Lara and Cassie started talking on the phone and a week later, they began planning to get together.

“It was just the perfect fit.” Lara said.

Rich, 56, said he wasn’t necessarily looking for a grandparent relationship, but he wanted to support what would make Lara happy.

“It’s not anything that Lara and I have talked about as like a dream coming true is to have grandchildren, but we always kind of assumed that we would,” Rich said. “When that disappeared, the reality didn’t quite hit me as much as it did Lara and it’s taken awhile for the reality to sink in.”

But now that Rich and Lara have LJ and Graham in their lives – as well as their parents – Rich is all in. In fact, Rich and LJ in particular have a special relationship. He's obliged many times to playing the role of a horse for LJ or letting her give him a makeover.

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Cassie and Nick’s story

Cassie, 30, and Nick, 36, both have complicated family relationships.

Neither have active relationships with their mothers. Cassie’s mother was abusive, and Nick’s mother had alcoholism problems and was verbally abusive.

Nick’s dad lives near Cleveland and is supportive but isn’t an active grandparent. Cassie is close with her father, but he and her extended family live in Kentucky.

Cassie’s "adopted" grandparents were the parents of her older half brother's mom. Nick had a relationship with his paternal grandfather.

“Having that lack of grandparents in my kids’ lives has always weighed really heavily on me,” said Cassie.

Cassie remembers picking up LJ from a sleepover and listening as she talked about her friend's grandma.

"Why don't I have a grandma?" LJ asked.

"I just broke down crying,” Cassie said.

Cassie posted on a Facebook group about that interaction, and someone suggested the surrogate grandparent group.

Cassie said she has caught some slack online about creating a surrogate grandparent relationship when she and her husband have living parents.

“Multiple people (on the Facebook page) have commented to say we need to stop shaming the people that are here. Just because you technically have a parent doesn’t constitute them as a mother or father,” Cassie said.

Cassie had been on the Facebook group for about 10 months and hadn’t found a good relationship to pursue. She had a few conversations with other women. One lived out of state and said she was open to traveling to them, but Cassie said that wasn’t the relationship she wanted.

How the National Surrogate Grandparent Facebook group works

Donna Supitilov Skora started the Surrogate Grandparents - USA Facebook page in 2015. She said she and her husband are alienated grandparents from their son’s children and she was hoping to build a community to connect people together.

The group now has more than 8,500 people, and there are also other groups in other countries.

Skora loved hearing about the connection made by the Wilsons and Horvaths. She said not everyone shares their success stories on the Facebook group, so she doesn’t know how many successful matches there have been, but she tries to highlight and celebrate them.

“It fills my heart to see these things happening,” she said.

Not all members of her group find successes.

“I tell people that are looking at this as an overnight fix, they will become disappointed quickly," she said.

People’s relationships forged through the group take many forms. Some are local and some are long-distance. Some last for years and others don’t.

Skora said she doesn’t know of anyone in her group who has fallen victim to a scam or bad relationship. There was one person who had to be kicked out of the group when another became uncomfortable with the situation.

Skora and other administrators of the site do their best to review the Facebook profile of the person wanting to join the page. Members of the group also do a good job policing it, she said.

Getting to know each other

For their first meeting in July, the Horvaths and Wilsons agreed to meet at a neutral place. They were only scheduled to meet for 20 minutes at a local park, but “honestly, we kind of hit it off and we went and got a beer and went to lunch,” Nick recalled.

“Very quickly it was, ‘Let’s keep going,’ and that wasn’t expected because especially that day my guard was up," he said. “It’s been very organic and very good, and there’s no reason to pause."

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They also had discussions up front about their thoughts on religion and politics to see if they meshed, which they did.

Both women are extremely organized, have careers, like to decorate and have other similar interests. And Rich and Nick both work in supply chain management.

A few weeks later, Lara and Rich were invited to come to LJ’s birthday party.

“I saw Rich holding Graham, and LJ was talking to him across the table,” said Lara. “When I saw the look on Rich’s face, I just immediately thought, ‘This is the happiest we’ve been since Zach has died.’ ”

When Zach died, Rich said, “I lost a sense of meaning in my life.

“This doesn’t completely fill the void by any means, but it’s something,” he said. “It’s something that says, ‘Hey, there’s something else for you to do. Here’s another way of sharing what you have with the world’ when a lot of that was shut down for me.”

Said Lara: "it’s brought a joy in our life that’s been missing for such a long time since Zach died."

Spending time together

The two families have seen each other almost every weekend since meeting in late July.

Some protective friends were worried that each couple or the kids might get hurt or scammed in the process.

Nick said he also was apprehensive when Cassie wanted to join the group and eventually suggested they meet up with the Wilsons.

But now, he said, “there’s a sense of comfort” to have Rich and Lara in their lives as busy full-time working parents who understand the busyness of raising a family and working.

“I don’t know how or why, but I just got a good vibe and reassurance, and it’s a connection that’s hard to explain," he said.

“It just fit and it wasn’t forced,” Cassie agreed.

LJ knows that Rich and Lara are not her parents’ mom and dad, but she doesn’t ask too many questions about the relationship and loves them, Cassie said.

LJ switches between calling the Wilsons by their first names and Grandma Lara and Grandpa Rich.

Cassie said the bond her children are forming with their surrogate grandparents is more important than any material gifts.

"I want LJ to have sleepovers and have game nights and for them to come to all of her ballet recitals and grandparents’ day at school," she said.

A budding relationship

Lara said Cassie and Nick have very purposeful about not asking too much of the Wilsons. Lara is the one who suggested that she and Rich babysit the kids once a month after she heard that the Horvaths had not been out on a date since Graham was born.

“It’s something we wanted to do for them,” Lara said. “It’s not actually just about us and the grandkids. We've come to find that it’s about relating to their parents as well and having a relationship with them.”

Cassie and Lara have also discovered an added bonus – an extra special relationship.

The two talk or text almost every day.

“I do try to give her some motherly comfort or suggestions," Lara said.

Said Nick: “I think Cassie definitely looks at Lara as part friend, part mom. They definitely have a lot of one-on-one conversations.

"That’s definitely a gap that no one has filled for her because of her mom."

Cassie said she is respectful about not wanting to take the place of the Wilsons’ children. Cassie has met the Wilsons’ oldest child, who is supportive of the relationship, as well as the rest of the Wilsons’ extended family.

As Zach's birthday was approaching, Cassie gave Lara a special present: a picture of the exact night sky the date Zach was born in Wilmington, Delaware.

The picture read: “There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they’re gone a light remains. In loving memory of Zachary Stockwell Wilson.”

Cassie had put together pieces from Facebook posts and conversations to get the details for the night sky.

Said Lara: “I mean, who does that? Who goes to that level of detail? Somebody who loves you, right?”

'We have some hope and joy'

Last Christmas was very hard for Rich and Lara.

It was the first after Zach died.

The couple went to a Blue Christmas church service for people in need of comfort. On Christmas Eve, they went to Lara’s mom’s church and Lara had to leave during “Joy to the World” because she said she felt so hopeless.

This year, “it’s still going to be hard, but at least we have some hope and joy.”

The Wilsons have been invited to Nick and Cassie’s house for Christmas. The gathering will include what Cassie calls her “unconventional” family — Cassie’s dad, her ex-stepdad and her brother and sister.

Cassie’s dad was very supportive of her finding surrogate grandparents.

When she said she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, he responded: "Why would I ever have negative feelings or opinions about more love for my grandchildren?”

The Wilsons gush when they talk about LJ and Graham and light up when they pull up pictures.

One day, while I was at the Wilsons' home for this column, Cassie sent Lara a video text of LJ in ballet class.

Rich and Lara stopped and watched their surrogate granddaughter dancing on their phone – and smiled.

Beacon Journal columnist Betty Lin-Fisher can be reached at 330-996-3724 or blinfisher@thebeaconjournal.com. Follow her @blinfisherABJ on Twitter or www.facebook.com/BettyLinFisherABJ. To see her most recent stories and columns, go to www.tinyurl.com/bettylinfisher

This article originally appeared on Akron Beacon Journal: Families find chosen bond, joy through surrogate grandparenting