Canadian wildfire smoke has liberals breaking out masks. I say soot is good for you!

Wouldn’t you know it, America gets a couple days of perfectly natural smoke coming in from Canada and northeastern liberals immediately break out their “face diapers” and start ranting left-wing nonsense like “Stay indoors!” and “Stay safe!”

Good grief. It’s the so-called pandemic all over again.

My name is Gill Able, and I’m a proud Fox News viewer, so I know a thing or two about air-quality issues and fine particulate matter and Hunter Biden and whatnot. I’m here to tell you there is absolutely nothing wrong with breathing in fresh Canadian air that has made New York City look like the post-apocalyptic hellscape I always imagined it to be.

Here come the libs with their 'mask insanity'

Heck, I might take a trip out there just to get a few gulps of that air and laugh at some mask-wearing losers. Maybe I can meet up with my favorite Fox News host Jeanine Pirro, who pointed out the other day that “Democrats are pumping up climate hysteria and bringing back, you guessed it, mask insanity.”

Yes! Insanity! What’s next, filters on cigarettes? I don’t wear oven mitts when I grab a hot pot off the stove and I’d never let BIG GOVERNMENT tell me I can’t proudly hold up my favorite aluminum pole during a lightning storm. Protecting yourself against harm or pollutants is a sign of weakness, and this is one alpha male who will take in all the so-called dangerous air he can breathe.

Shame on President Biden for not do anything about the thing I don't think is a problem!

I was watching Jesse Watters on Fox News the other day and he complained about how President Sleepy Joe Biden is sitting around doing nothing “while half of the country can't breathe.” In the same breath – a breath I assume was filled with smoke – Watters criticized politicians who “went on TV and told us to quarantine like the good old days.”

He said: “COVID, stay home and wear a mask. Smoke bomb, stay home, wear a mask. Elections, stay home, wear a mask. Nuke strike, stay home, wear a mask. The government's prepared for anything.”

That made me so mad. Not only is Biden not doing anything to fix this problem that I don’t think is a problem, other politicians are trying to help with the problem by telling me what I should do to stay safe. NO THANKS, NANNY STATE!

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When it comes to air quality, I only listen to people who have been tobacco lobbyists

The most important information I’ve heard on the smoke from Canadian wildfires came from Steve Milloy, who was interviewed the other day on Fox News. I trust Steve, because he has been a lobbyist for two of my favorite products: cigarettes and oil. As such, I trust his word on matters of health and assume that he, like me, recognizes the greatest threat Americans face is the widespread use of kale.

On the beautifully orange skies over the Northeast, Milloy said: “Look, the air is ugly, it's unpleasant to breathe, and for a lot of people, they get anxiety over it. But the reality is there's no health risk. … We have this kind of air in India and China all the time – no public health emergency.”

See, libs? No health risk!

Every hardworking American deserves some soot

It’s not like in 2019 there were nearly 1.6 million deaths in India and 1.85 million deaths in China attributable to air pollution exposure. That sounds like left-wing data to me. No public health emergency!

Milloy continued, going after fears over particulate matter in the Canadian smoke: “Particulate matter is very fine soot. It's just carbon particles – they’re innocuous. ... There’s nothing in them. They have no effect.”

If New Yorkers had any manners – and I’m sure they don’t, though I’ve never met any because I’m afraid they’ll turn me into a socialist – they would be thanking Canada for sending them some very fine soot. Real Americans like me have to make our own soot by burning school library books in a trash can in the backyard.

Canadian wildfires impact air quality: Canada wildfires are messing up our beautiful American air. We must invade immediately.

Don't think of it as air pollution, think of it as smoke from a lovely campfire

Anyway, I have to go pick up another oxygen tank for my emphysema, which  I know, for a fact, was caused by the existence of drag shows. Hopefully you liberal losers in New York City can calm down, knock off the mask theater and enjoy what my good friend Greg Kelly on Newsmax called “a beautiful, interesting aura the city has right now.”

“I'll tell you, it actually smells like wood smoke,” he said. “It's not an unpleasant odor, to be honest.”

I love honesty. As long as it’s only telling me exactly what I want to hear.

Yours truly,

— Gill Able

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Air quality from Canada fires has libs bringing back masks. Not again