'You can't be afraid to listen': How adults can help teens in pain over suicide

When a tragedy involving a youth occurs, it’s incumbent upon adults in that community to do and say the right things. What happens next — the start of a healing process or the deepening of a wound, with potentially dire consequences — depends on it.

That message from two local youth-crisis experts is crucial in Berkeley right now. On Feb. 4 a 14-year-old Central Regional High School student died by suicide two days after being attacked by fellow students in a school hallway — and then seeing video of the attack shared on social media. On Feb. 8, about 50 Central students walked out of the building during the school day to protest what they called a pattern of bullying in the district and a lack of effort to address it.

If you or a loved one are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 for help, 24 hours a day. 

After the protest, superintendent Triantafillos Parlapanides issued a new policy requiring all future student protests to receive advance district approval. That was before he resigned Saturday evening, following a controversial response about the student's death to the Daily Mail.

Jim Burns, a retired high school administrator who lives in Stafford, has written an anti-bullying book and teaches college education courses, thinks issuing edicts about the protest is the wrong reaction.

“As a superintendent or any administrator you have to ask yourself: ‘Why are they walking out? What are they protesting? Are we not doing enough?’” Burns said. “At that point, that’s when you have to sit down and say, ‘How can we work with you to prevent this stuff?’ You can’t be afraid to listen.”

Listen. That’s the one-word playbook for this heart-wrenching situation.

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Steps a parent can take

After accidents, suicide is the second-leading cause of death in the U.S. among people 10 to 34 years old, according to a September 2022 report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That report said suicides increased by 35% from 1999 to 2018, then declined by 5% from 2018-2020, then rose 4% from 2020 to 2021.

“We have to pay attention to what’s going on with our mental health and our children,” said Susan Tellone, clinical director of the Freehold-based Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide. "Since the pandemic, kids have really been struggling with their mental health. We’ve seen rises in emergency-room visits, rises in mental-health risk among our youth — we’ve seen rises across ages and socioeconomic status.”

In a school community impacted by suicide, there are steps parents can take to help their own children cope.

“One thing we say is for parents to take a breath and deal with your own feelings first, and calm down and know you have a crucial role in helping your child deal with their feelings,” Tellone said. “You can’t help your child until you take a look at our own emotions. It’s like they say with the airlines — put your oxygen mask on first and then look after your child. You have to be able to breathe.”

Next, she said, “You can start by expressing your own sadness and confusion about the death, and asking them to share their reactions with you. Let them know you’re listening without judgment and say, ‘Thanks, I appreciate what you’re saying.’

“A lot of times kids will be angry. Instead of trying to talk them out of it or cajole them, let them vent and validate their feelings.”

Unfortunately, these types of tragedies can be accompanied by rumors and innuendo.

“That can be upsetting for children,” Tellone said. “We want them to know we’re careful not to make judgments with limited information. You’ve got to talk to them about their feelings — move them away from the rumors and to the feelings. Try to minimize or get off the gossip and rumor, and really try to remain compassionate and nonjudgmental about the deceased and even about the bullies or the school or situation around it.

“Just allow your child to have feelings and validate them. Allow them to open up to you.”

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Schools must be proactive

The way a school community responds to such a tragedy can make a difference down the road. A lawsuit filed three months ago claimed another student was threatened and beaten while at Central Regional in 2021-22. The lawsuit, filed by that student’s family, alleges the student reported the threats to school officials — but nothing was done.

Burns sees a pattern.

“The biggest issue administrators have today is the failure to be able to effectively handle confrontation — to be able to have a conversation with somebody that is what I call productive conflict,” he said. “You can’t be afraid to go toe-to-toe in a productive manner to resolve an issue.”

Burns’ book on this issue, “Anti-Bullying 101,” was published in 2015 by Sourced Media. He also teaches “The Bully-Proof Classroom,” a graduate course offered at The College of New Jersey.

Burns understands that much of today’s bullying takes place online and on social media. But that’s not a reason for educators to tune it out.

“I used to call police headquarters on Sunday night in the district where I worked and say, ‘What happened over the weekend?’” he said. “Because in reality, what happens in the community is going to leak into the school.

“That’s being proactive.”

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'Where would you go for help?'

There is one more vital, tangible step parents can take for their children who are hurting after a peer’s suicide, Tellone said. Discuss a plan for help-seeking.

“If you were ever to get to a place where you feel so upset, who would you reach out to? How would you get help?” she said. “That’s the conversation we want to move toward. If you ever feel something so overwhelming or painful that you can’t manage it, where would you go for help? Who are your trusted adults?”

These are not easy conversations. But they are important. At home, and at school, adults can provide essential guidance and support in times like this.

“When you think about what suicide is, someone is in severe emotional pain and they have impaired problem-solving skills and they need help solving their problems,” Tellone said. “That’s where we as adults can play a role and help them.”

Resources

The following is a list of free resources available to New Jersey residents experiencing a mental-health crisis.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: U.S. Residents can now call or text 988 to connect with suicide prevention specialists or access mental health resource information.

NJ Suicide Prevention Hopeline: Specialists are available for confidential telephone counseling and support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 1-855-654-6735

NJ Mental Health Cares: NJ Mental Health Cares is New Jersey's behavioral health information and referral service. Behavioral care specialists are available from 8:00am to 8:00pm, Monday through Friday.  866-202-HELP.

2nd Floor Youth Helpline: For New Jersey residents ages 10-24, available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 888-222-2228, call or text.

The Trevor Project: Focused on suicide prevention among LGBTQ youth, available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 866-488-7386.

Jerry Carino is community columnist for the Asbury Park Press, focusing on the Jersey Shore’s interesting people, inspiring stories and pressing issues. Contact him at jcarino@gannettnj.com.

This article originally appeared on Asbury Park Press: Central Regional suicide: Adults can help teens by listening