Can't escape the queen, even in the loo
Wikipedia is the great guru of instant research, isn’t it? You google a word or two, scroll down into the murky chambers of Wikipedia and find yourself in stacks exceeded only by the Library of Congress.
When I go into Wikipedia, I carry a bag lunch, a Thermos of coffee, a diet Coke and a variety of colored marshmallows. All I wanted to know what when toilet paper was invented.
If three obnoxious red bears can prance around showing their bottoms on 72-inch televisions screens, I can address this topic. It is something modern folks use and panic if the last roll is put on the holder.
“Who didn’t put toilet paper on the list for the Costco run? Who put the last roll on? Come on, folks, the dog didn’t do it. We cannot live like Neanderthals. I heard that, Angus — I do not look like one. You just hop on that $794.39 bike I got you for your birthday and go to Friendly George’s and pick up a six-pack…now! Not beer! Toilet paper — are you really that dim?”
We turn into frenzied creatures, don’t we, if it appears the warehouse, formerly known as the garage, begins to look a bit bare of toilet paper.
Wiki tells me that the Chinese first used paper as a cleansing means in the 500s-something. However, there were some scholarly restraints: Yan Zhitui (531-591) said, “Paper on which there are quotations or commentaries from the Five Classics or the names of sages, I dare not use for toilet purposes.” He clearly respected these beings.
Moving into the 19th and 20th centuries, how many of our forefathers and foremothers respected Messrs. Sears and Roebuck?
Various paper companies followed our British friends and decided to provide us with toilet paper. At long last, it was discovered that wood pulp could be tamed into rough paper then softer and softer paper to coddle the rising bottoms of pretty much most of the world.
One company advertised “splinter-free paper.” That was a great marketing success.
Some of you will remember when toilet paper went designer mad and showed up in pink, green, blue and yellow — to match whatever wallpaper or paint clad the walls in your bathroom. That was just silly.
Like many fads, it faded out. However, toilet paper manufacturers felt the need to give us something fetching, didn’t they? So they started embossing their papers. Flowers, geometrics, trees, mountains and who knows what.
I do not view toilet paper as an art form. I do not plan to frame it. Embroider it. Write notes on it. It is simply utilitarian. I would opt for cheaper paper by eliminating the embossing.
Certain foreign countries will remain nameless in this portion. In one, I found revolting magenta crepe paper in the dispenser — the kind you use to stretch to decorate a table for a party.
In another, the spotless stainless steel box contained 3-by-3-inch sheets of paper so thin you could read a newspaper through them. In addition to that, they were wax-coated. I do not need to say anymore about that.
One time, I got lost driving on “the other side of the road” in one of those nameless countries and ended up in a car-park behind a castle. I had been driving for some time and was pleased to see a sturdy stone building bearing two signs: “Ladies” and “Gentlemen.”
I entered the “Ladies” and was greeted by a woman wearing a silk dress, heels, and a turban hat with a brooch on it. She was also wearing white gloves. She directed me into a stall and suggested she would be waiting for me with soap and towel when I emerged. I tried to match dignity with dignity and thanked the Duchess of Midden.
October in that country was pretty chilly and stone buildings hoard cold. I had no intention of staying in there any longer than necessary. I reached for the toilet tissue, grabbed some sheets from the dispenser, looked at them and froze.
On each sheet was printed in royal green ink: "PROPERTY OF HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN”
Susan Keezer lives in Adrian. Email her your good news stories at lenaweesmiles@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Susan Keezer: Can't escape the queen, even in the loo
