You can't force love, but you can have a functional family: How to be a good stepparent
I have had stepparents, but I have never thought in depth about what it takes to be a good stepparent. It's such an overlooked but important job: beginning a new family while blending into an existing one and then keeping it intact.
After a recent, emotional trip to Florida to see my father and half siblings, I started thinking about the dynamics of blended families. Even as an adult, having a stepparent can really have an impact on family life. And even for stepparents with good intentions, the role is bound to be challenging.
Since nearly half of Americans have a step relative, it's an issue we don't give nearly enough attention.
Changing family dynamics in America
While divorce for adults 50 and older has doubled since the 1990s, younger people (who are getting married older) are divorcing less frequently, according to the Pew Research Center. Other significant changes are playing out in American families today.
For instance, in 1960, most children younger than 18 lived with two married parents who were in their first marriage. But by 2014, less than half of America's kids lived in that type of household, with about 15% living with parents in a remarriage, 7% living with cohabiting parents and 26% living with an unpartnered parent. Remarriage is also increasing: In 2013, at least one partner had been married before in 4 in 10 new marriages in the United States.
That's a lot of stepparents.
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Difficulties and importance of being a loving stepparent
My story is not unique. I went through a lot with my stepparents. I also know that as a young girl I wasn't always easy to deal with and could be judgmental at times. But everybody involved could have done better.
And the issues from childhood continue into adulthood, which I saw firsthand during my Florida trip this summer. The simple act of visiting with my sick father proved to be a major source of drama and emotional stress when it just didn't need to be. I started to write about that experience in detail but found myself descending into blame and lashing out because of my own emotional hurt.
Instead, I asked an expert for help.
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Robert E. Emery, a father of five, professor of psychology and director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, has ideas about how people can create functional stepfamilies while also having realistic expectations. This is what he shared with me:
Tips for making things easier on everyone (including yourself) as a stepparent
►Don't rush. Go slowly for the sake of stepchildren. Relationships take time to build. You can’t expect to be instantly connected to your stepkids – or for them to instantly connect to you.
►Respect the other biological parent. That may mean asking the children to call you by your first name, not “mom” or “dad.” It also generally means deferring to both biological parents' rules for the children. Parents need to respect their former partner’s ongoing parental role, too. Your new partner is a new partner for you, not a replacement mom or dad.
►Work toward being friends, not necessarily family. For many stepfamilies, especially if children are older, this is a much more reasonable goal. A feeling of family might develop over time, which can be wonderful but isn’t necessary. And do your best to include the other parent on your friendship list.
Finally, I asked Emery a question that, I think, stemmed from my own sadness and personal experience of rejection by my stepparents, "How do you learn to love your stepkids?"
"Don’t try," he told me. Ouch. I wasn't ready for that.
"No one can make themselves love anyone. Trying to force a loving relationship often leads to failure," he said. "Liking your stepkids – or just doing the right thing even if you don’t love or even like the kids – can be more than good enough. What’s the right thing? Doing what you know you should do, not what you might want to do out of anger, jealousy or hurt. Be a team player. ... This can take work, but it’s not only best for kids, it’s best for you, too."
No family is perfect and, in many ways, stepfamilies have it harder than biological or even adoptive families. Trust me, it's so much easier, and less painful on everyone, if you try to do the right thing, and just be kind and patient.
Carli Pierson, a New York licensed attorney, is an opinion writer and a member of the USA TODAY Editorial Board. Follow her on Twitter: @CarliPiersonEsq
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Step-parenting can be hard. Here's how to make it easier for everyone
