Cashing out of the theme park experience
Did you see that stopped train the other day? The one that left three major thoroughfares blocked for about a week? What a mess! We had to detour all the way to the U.P. to get around it. But that’s nothing compared to what’s going on in Georgia — where stalled train complaints skyrocketed 259% last year, followed by another seven-fold increase in the past two months. We’re pretty sure why.
Some little whippersnapper’s putting pennies on the tracks.
We used to do that all the time when we were kids. Because there was nothing more fun than watching the 5:09 — a hulking behemoth of an iron horse — obliterating Honest Abe’s visage on the shiny new copper we’d plunked down seconds before it came screaming through town like a mad-dog cyclone. But today’s trains are such wimposauruses, everyone thinks a single coin will derail the engine and all 200 cars it’s pulling. Maybe that’s why Cedar Point’s pulled the plug on Top Thrill Dragster for the coming season.
And banned all cash on the grounds.
That’s right, after 152 years, greenbacks and change are now verboten at America’s Roller Coast, the Amazement Park, or whatever they’re calling it these days. So if you’re after a sandwich, beverage, playing a game of chance you can’t possibly win, or getting a souvenir photo of the moment you fell out of the Steel Vengeance, you’d better be loaded with plastic or you’re out of luck. Can’t have park-goers dashing pell-mell into the shark-infested waters of Lake Erie to recover all the dollar bills that come flying out of some poor schmuck’s pocket while aboard the Wicked Twister.
Oh, wait. That’s been torn down. Never mind.
Park brass say the payment change is a non-event. Digital-only transactions are safer, faster and more secure, they contend. With no more fumbling for Franklins whenever you’re hankering for fresh-cut fries or twiddling your thumbs while the mathematically challenged summer help attempt to figure out how much change you’re owed, you’ll now have more time to do what you came there for. Standing in line for hours at the park’s most popular attraction.
The barnyard.
But what if you’re one of those cash-only dinosaurs? Like us. Well, you can still gorge yourself silly on smoked brisket, rotisserie chicken and walking tacos thanks to a slew of cash-to-card conversion kiosks scattered about the premises. Plus a couple more just outside the main gate. Cash payment for tickets, you see, is also a no-no. But you’d better plan on hoofing it to Sandusky or parachuting from a plane. Because come summer, if you hand them a 20 for parking — there are no currency exchange kiosks on the causeway — they’ll politely return it.
And send you back from whence you came.
None of this is happening at Dollyworld or Disney. Yet. But all 17 members of the Cedar Fair family — Kings Island, Michigan’s Adventure, Knott’s Berry Farms and the rest — along with Six Flags Great Adventure — have now nixed the cash option. But there’s a silver lining. Since they no longer have to hire armored cars to haul that moolah to the bank every couple of hours, Cedar Point’s passing the savings on to you. Which is why after a negligible 14% hike tickets remain bargain-basement priced.
A mere 85 bucks a pop.
Between that — and our fivers and ten-spots no longer being welcome — it appears our theme park days are over. That’s OK. There’s plenty of other, far cheaper ways to have fun. Besides, it’s almost 5:09. Is that a train whistle we hear?
Now, where’d we put our pennies?
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time on Buzz 102.5 FM and online at www.dougspade.com and www.lenconnect.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: Cashing out of the theme park experience
