Cerabino: Bold predictions for the year 2024. The good, the bad, and the Trumpy
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Predictions for the new year …
January
12 — South Florida Fair opens in suburban West Palm Beach. Yesteryear Village debuts 1990s-era Blockbuster Video store.
23 — Gov. Ron DeSantis finishes fourth in New Hampshire primary, calling the results “not helpful.” Wife, Casey, steps away from campaign, citing need to spend “less time with family.”
February
11 — SuperBowl LVIII held in Las Vegas. Florida State University fans irate their team was left out again.
21 — Republican Presidential frontrunner Donald Trump files for divorce, claiming that “nobody knows where Melania came from” and that being married to her, his second foreign-born wife, is “poisoning my blood.”
March
4 — Florida Surgeon Gen. Joseph Ladapo is blasted by medical community for sham study claiming that COVID vaccines contain traces of deadly fentanyl.
19 – Florida’s presidential primary election held. Gov. Ron DeSantis, who finishes 40 points behind Trump, says he is suspending his campaign and “getting out of these high heels.”
April
3 — Bombshell report in New York Times says that first draft of U.S. Supreme Court ruling that said Trump can’t be removed from presidential ballot was written in Russian.
9 — Confederate statue wins city commission seat in North Florida municipal election.
May
10 — Three-way sex enthusiast Bridget Ziegler, who was shunned from the Moms for Liberty group she co-founded, says she and her husband will form another family-values group as soon as they find “one adventurous hot woman” to join the board.
15 — U.S. Sen. Rick Scott focuses his re-election campaign against “Communist Red China restaurants” in Florida and what he called their deceptive practices. “It’s disgraceful,” Scott said. “You eat, and then an hour later, you’re hungry again. And the Biden administration is doing nothing about this!”
June
12 — House committee impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden sharpens its focus on “mysterious” overdue library-book payment for son, Hunter.
22 — Bride at Mar-a-Lago wedding reception accidentally stumbles upon binder of national secrets while looking for new roll of toilet paper in bathroom.
July
18 — The ABC television network begins holding auditions in South Florida for the “Golden Gigolo” reality TV show, which will feature 20 rootless-but-good looking, young men of questionable means vying for the affection of an ancient Palm Beach heiress.
30 — Average price index of three-bedroom, two-bath house in Palm Beach County updated from “Oh my God!” to “You’ve got to be hosing me!”
August
8 — Hurricane Elsa lashes Florida Panhandle, destroying the home of U.S. Sen. Tommy Tuberville. “It’s a shame,” a shaken Tuberville says. “I might have to live in Alabama again.”
21 — As part of divorce discovery, Melania Trump’s lawyer gets blood sample from her husband, revealing that its prime contaminant is bacon.
September
9 — Florida’s Secretary of Education moves quickly to suspend Florida teacher after parent complains her child was exposed to a classroom discussion on “transitive verbs.”
20 — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas agrees to speak to the Forum Club of the Palm Beaches if his honorarium includes deed to beach house.
October
5 — Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump holds press conference to say he already won next month’s election in a landslide.
6 — Fox News blasts “sore loser” Biden for failing to concede in next month’s election.
November
1 — West Palm Beach development that used to be called CityPlace, before it was renamed Rosemary Square, and then renamed again as “The Square” is being renamed again as “Coral Sky Place.”
5 — Election Day. Presidential race too close to call.
December
7 — Prosecutions of voter fraud among the residents of The Villages spawn a trial strategy dubbed “the senior moment defense.”
31 — Election results still in dispute. U.S. Supreme Court goes into hiding at Justice Thomas’ new beach house.
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, part of Gannett Newspapers chain.
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Columnist Frank Cerabino predicts the news stories we'll see in 2024.
