Cerabino: 'Twas the night before Christmas ... at Mar-a-Lago
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the state
The temperature had fallen
To a muggy seventy-eight
***
And at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago
Folks were getting a snooze
Except for old Donald
Who was fighting the blues
***
The whole family clan
Was deep in their dreams
Among the national secrets
Stashed away in reams
***
Missing binders, he thought,
Tucked away like they oughta
And if need be, moved again
By the trusty Will Nauta
***
All seemed at peace in
This MAGA world space
So why couldn’t he stop
The strong need to pace?
***
He thought of a way
He could surely feel better
But where did he put that
Kim Jong Un love letter?
***
If only there was still
A wedding underway
He could crash it
And dance to "YMCA"
***
But nothing was abuzz
In the whole big estate
And like Melania’s locked door
It was well past too late
***
So, he took to his phone
With a message so bitter
And typed in all upper case
On what used to be Twitter.
***
He fell into the role of
A full victimized hater
With more misspellings
than a careless third-grader
***
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
EVEN THE DERANGED DOJ
He started to type in that
Trumpian sort of way
***
And the judges in Colorado
Who said he can’t run
They were next on his list
Of threats to be spun
***
The anger improved his mood,
Now strong and itching to brawl
If only there were ketchup packets
He could throw at a wall.
***
Then on to immigrant “vermin”
that blood-poisoning bunch
Channeling Hitler made him
feel strong in a crunch
***
But then he heard a sound
So strange and unique
That he went to the window
To have himself a peek
***
The moon in the sky
Gave a luster like snow
To the lawn in the back
The undocumented mow
***
When what to his wondering
Eyes should appear,
But an object that was airborne
And growing quite near
***
It was a sleigh with eight reindeer
And it gave Trump the dreads
When his first thought was this:
“It’s the return of the feds!”
***
But it was DeSantis, Trump saw,
In a Santa Claus suit,
Like a stubby elf on Ozempic
With fake heels in his boot
***
More rapid than eagles
His coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name
***
“Now Dancer, Now Prancer
Now Comet, Now Vixen”
If any of you are trans
You’re not getting fixin’”
***
DeSantis as Santa Claus
Was an improbable stretch
For a smile-challenged guy
Who was so prone to kvetch
***
He struggled to steer
The sleigh, just a loaner
That was secretly gifted
By a deep-pocket donor
***
He landed it somehow
On the roof with a skid
And Trump gave a laugh
Yes, that’s what he did.
***
“DeSanctimonious, it’s you.”
Trump said as a dig
“I thought you’d be in Iowa
Tonight with that rig.”
***
“And where is the Claus
On this, his big night?”
“Abducted” DeSantis said,
“On a Martha’s Vineyard flight”
***
“Florida rejects Santa’s ideology
And his woke, Soros ties.
So I removed him from office
With his false-narrative lies”
***
“Listen, there’s no time to waste,”
The DeSantis Claus averred
“I’ve come with an offer
That ought to be heard.”
***
“Let me guess,” Trump said.
“You’re quitting the race
You’re backing me now
And begging for grace.”
***
“Your campaign’s an abortion
A ship full of leaks
And like the Florida law
You’re done in six weeks.”
***
"So you need a soft landing
From your term-limited gig
With a spot in my cabinet
After my election win big
***
“Stop,” said DeSantis.
“That’s not why I’m here.
I think it’s you who’ll be toast
In the upcoming year.”
***
“With indictments that number
So far up to four,
You’ll never see the White House
And you’re bound to be poor.”
***
“And the Supremes may deal
You a ballot-box ban
For your Jan six coup
Insurrectionist plan
***
“Just concede right now,
Endorse me right away
Then once I’m in office,
You’re pardoned the first day.”
***
Trump counted to ten
In his big puffy head
Saying nothing at first
To the pol in the sled
***
Tiny D and the rest of
The timid party crowd
Were all just cowards
Afraid to speak out loud
***
They feared him, he knew,
Like the judges he created
In the end, they’d all defer
To the tyranny he dictated
***
“I’ll think about it,” Trump said.
“Now, you better run.
I think I hear Don Junior.
He’s loading his gun.”
***
DeSantis perched on his sleigh
To his team gave a whistle
And they all flew away
Like the down of a thistle
***
As he did, Trump exclaimed
In a tone somewhat meaner.
“And don’t come back, L’il Ron,
Unless you got a subpoena.”
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, part of the Gannett Newspaper chain.
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Trump, DeSanta Claus in 'Twas the Night Before Christmas at Mar-a-Lago
