Cerabino: "Waiting for DeSantis," a presidential campaign tragicomedy

The following is an excerpt from “Waiting for DeSantis,” a Samuel Beckett-inspired tragicomedy in two acts.

In this scene, Estragon and Vladimir, two supporters of Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, encounter each other on a cold, desolate roadside somewhere in New Hampshire.

It’s a few days before the primary election there.

●●●

Vladimir: You’re back. I thought you were gone forever.

Estragon: Me too. Let’s celebrate.

Vladimir: Absolutely.

(Long pause. Neither man moves.)

Estragon: DeSantis. He’ll be here soon. Right?

Vladimir: That’s what they say.

Estragon: Maybe he’s “getting his ticket punched" again somewhere.

Vladimir: What does that mean?

Estragon: Nobody knows. I think I hear somebody coming.

Vladimir: No, that’s just the howling wind. Are you sure he’s coming?

Estragon: Maybe we should go to South Carolina.

Vladimir: Absolutely. Let’s go.

(Long pause. Neither man moves.)

Vladimir: I'm so excited about Tuesday’s primary. It will be a great victory against “wokeness.”

Estragon: Do you think DeSantis will lose by 30 points again?

Vladimir: To the insurrection-plotting, adjudicated sexual molester facing 91 felony counts? Without a doubt.

Estragon: And that means DeSantis gets his ticket punched again, right?

Vladimir: You can count on it. It will be quite an accomplishment.

Estragon: He’ll act all happy, like he won, right? Just like he did in Iowa?

Vladimir: Yes, It’s all about getting tickets punched, not getting actual votes. If you lose but tell people you won, you won.

Estragon: Everything is proceeding to plan.

Vladimir: There will be much to celebrate.

Estragon: Yes. What’s the good of becoming disheartened now?

Vladimir: Listen. Do you hear that noise? I think DeSantis is coming.

Estragon: If he's around here, where are the others?

Vladimir: Hard to say.

Estragon: I hear there’s a Trump rally down the road.

Vladimir: No, that’s a Nikki Haley rally.

Estragon: I like her.

Vladimir: I’ve never felt better about slavery.

Estragon: Maybe we should go see her.

Vladimir: It’s a thought.

(Long pause. Neither man moves.)

Estragon: DeSantis is probably just delayed.

Vladimir: Defeating “wokeness” somewhere.

Estragon: Dealing with an emergency trans bathroom issue.

Vladimir: Standing up to … something.

Estragon: He’s very good at that.

Vladimir: Absolutely. He’s a real fighter.

Estragon: Or maybe his campaign is over.

Vladimir: And we don’t know about it.

Estragon: He could be conceding the race somewhere. Giving his support to Trump.

Vladimir: It’s inevitable. He’s toast.

Estragon: They threw everything at DeSantis.

Vladimir: Who’s “they?"

Estragon: The drag queens, the school librarians, the vaccinated …

Vladimir: And he stood tall.

Estragon: Well, tallish.

Vladimir: What a guy! A man of presidential qualities!

Estragon: Or not. Maybe we should go.

Vladimir: Absolutely.

(Long pause. Neither man moves.)

Estragon: Are you sure this is the right place?

Vladimir: The guy said to wait here by this tree.

Estragon: The guy with the red hat?

Vladimir: Yes, you know him?

Estragon: That was a Trump guy in a MAGA hat.

Vladimir: He tried to sell us a gold coin.

Estragon: With Trump’s mugshot face on it.

Vladimir: But we’re no fools.

Estragon: We told him ‘no.’

Vladimir: Absolutely.

(Long pause. Neither man moves.)

Estragon: We should have bought the Trump coin.

Vladimir: Would have been a smart investment for after the civil war.

Estragon: I wish DeSantis sold gold coins.

Vladimir: At least he’s got “Don’t Fauci My Florida” beer koozies.

Estragon: I got one of his “God Above Government” T-shirts.

Vladimir: What does that mean?

Estragon: I think it means we live in a theocracy, not a pluralistic society where everyone is free to practice their religion or no religion at all.

Vladimir: You mean like Iran? Interesting. I didn't know that. Does DeSantis say which religious dogma supersedes the impartial, secular administration of government?

Estragon: Maybe you can ask him that when he comes.

Vladimir: So, you do think he’s coming?

Estragon: Doubtful. We should go.

Vladimir: Absolutely.

Estragon: Then we’ll just come back here tomorrow.

Vladimir: Makes sense. DeSantis will certainly be here tomorrow.

Estragon: Yes, to campaign. To get his ticket punched again.

Vladimir: How exciting!

Estragon: And we are where it all happens.

Vladimir: Up close and personal.

Estragon: Let’s go and rest up. We have a big day with next president tomorrow.

Vladimir: Absolutely.

(Long pause. Neither man moves.)

Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, part of the Gannett newspaper chain.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: The DeSantis presidential campaign parodied in "Waiting for DeSantis"