Charlotte Latvala: Holiday movies hold limited appeal
This past weekend, my husband and I decided to do something completely different. Tread into unknown territory. Take a mistletoe-laden, twinkly, sparkly, heartwarming chance.
We decided, dear reader, to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie.
Of course, I know about Hallmark movies, the same way I know about slasher films or LSD. The thing exists, but it’s not for me. The big-city-career-gal-meets-small-town-hunk trope? Give me Sam Shepard in “Baby Boom” any day.
But I’m tired of dark. Bored with antiheroes. And after binging Season 5 of “The Crown,” I’ve had enough of doomed relationships.
People love Hallmark Christmas movies, I reasoned. And as sickeningly sweet and predictable as they sound, I’ve never given them a chance. Tis the season, after all.
But which one to pick? The decision wasn’t easy.
“Christmas Comes Twice?” “The Christmas Secret?” Maybe the intriguingly punctuated “It’s Christmas, Eve”?
We settled on “The Most Colorful Time of the Year,” the story of a widowed eye doctor who falls for her daughter’s fourth-grade science teacher — who happens to be colorblind! And the colorblind science teacher hates Christmas! Why? Because he can’t see all the beautiful lights and ornaments and mistletoe (oh yes, there is mistletoe) in full-color glory.
“The Most Colorful Time of the Year” was an hour and 24 minutes of…well, let’s just say there’s an evil ex-boyfriend. A flirty women’s basketball coach. A goes-on-way-too-long argument about a clinical trial for special colorblind-curing glasses.
Did I mention mistletoe?
“Let’s try Netflix,” said my husband, who seemed to have a strange familiarity with this genre. “You can stand one more.”
Sure enough, Netflix offered its own smorgasbord of cutesy Christmas movies. We settled on “Christmas Inheritance.” The plot? An irresponsible, party-loving New York City heiress travels to a small, snowy town (called, literally, Snow Falls) to deliver a letter to her dad’s former business partner. (For mechanics of the plot, it must be hand-delivered.)
Lo and behold, she quickly meets the town’s sole taxi driver, who is also the manager of the town’s beautiful Victorian inn. Incognito and without her stash of credit cards (again, plot mechanics) the heiress must soon set about cleaning rooms and baking cookies for her keep.
There’s a wacky vacuum cleaner scene. A starlit walk in the woods. A homey fundraiser in a beautiful church, which oddly enough doesn’t seem to have an actual worship service happening on Christmas Eve.
“Christmas Inheritance” was elevated by higher production values and the presence of name-brand (and still beautiful) actress Andie MacDowell. Compared to “The Most Colorful Time of the Year”, it was high art. It was the Fellini of corny Christmas movies.
Cynicism aside, I do see the appeal of these movies. I also love a soothing, gigantic bowl of gooey mac and cheese now and then. But having sampled this weirdly specific genre, will I go back?
Not a Christmas snowball’s chance in July.
Unless Season 6 of “The Crown” leaves me truly anguished.
Charlotte is a columnist for The Times. You can reach her at charlottelatvala@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on Beaver County Times: Latvala: Holiday movies hold limited appeal
