Charlotte Latvala: No 'bandwidth' left for these phrases!!!!

Charlotte Latvala
·3 min read
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Charlotte Latvala
Charlotte Latvala

I’m compiling my Christmas list, and I’ve decided that, other than $1 million in unmarked bills, I don’t need much. So honestly? The best Christmas gift would be never hearing these words and phrases again.

  • Bandwidth. The first time someone asked me if I had the bandwidth to do a project, I was lost. What? Was there a microchip in the COVID vaccine after all, and my brain was exploding with radio waves? It took me a good long time to realize that “bandwidth” is simply 2022’s “time and energy.”

  • Opens up about. Celebrities are constantly “opening up,” if you believe Internet-speak. Jennifer Aniston, for instance, had opened up more times than my refrigerator door on Costco day.

  • Doing life together. No. Just no. Because we don’t “do” life, we “live” it. And the reality is that no matter what our verb choice, we all “leave” it separately in the end.

  • Livin’ my best life/Livin’ the dream, etc. By the love of Bon Jovi and all things Springsteen, you’re not a blue-collar New Jersey poet, and we never, ever need to hear these wisecracking phrases again, with or without the final “g.”

  • Fur baby. I know, I know. This one will bruise some tender feelings out there, including some very near and dear to me. However. However. I did not give birth to my cat. You did not give birth to your dog. I understand that these dear ones mean the world to us, and “fur baby” is a warmer, cuddlier version of the apparently now-defunct “pet.” But can we have a little self-respect and dignity and shelve the baby talk? Pwetty pwease?

  • Loving on. The “on” makes it icky. Sorry.

  • Adulting. This may have been cute the first five or six times you heard it. (Notice I say “may,” giving one the extreme benefit of the doubt.) But now? We’re done adulting.

  • I was today years old when…. (See “adulting”).

  • I hope this email finds you well. Every time I get an email that begins this way, my knee-jerk reaction is “I’m sorry this email found me at all.”

  • I can’t even. Yes, you can. You’re an adult.

  • Look. Guys. One of my 2023 New Year’s resolutions is to stop reading any missive that begins with “Look. Guys.” Unless said command is actually telling me to stop and appreciate a rare form of masculine beauty, or taking note of a gathering of Guys Ritchie, Fieri, and Caballero. Then I’m all in.

  • Using. A. LOT. of. Periods. And. CAPS. To. Make. A. Point. This is a tic nearly as annoying as vintage 1980s Valley Girl or 2000s vocal fry. IT. IS. Super. Annoying!

  • And yes!!! the grandaddy of punctuation gone bad, the multiple exclamation point!!! It is never necessary!!! Don’t do it!!! People will think you’re bonkers!!!

Unless you’re tired of adulting and can’t even and don’t mind if people mistake you for a fur-baby-smooching 12-year-old. Then it’s OK.

Charlotte is a columnist for The Times. You can reach her at charlottelatvala@gmail.com.

This article originally appeared on Beaver County Times: Latvala: No 'bandwidth' left for these phrases!!!!