As the child of an incarcerated parent, I was forgotten by the reform movement
Growing up, I loved everything about this time of the year – spending time with my family, listening to holiday music, opening up gifts with my siblings and playing with my cousins. But when my dad was arrested in December 1988, the holiday season came to represent pain, uncertainty and devastation. Two years after his arrest, he was sentenced to life without parole.
He was released just this year.
More than 33 years have gone by. That’s 33 missed Thanksgivings, Christmas Eves, Christmases, holiday dinners and countless special moments – memories we will never experience together. In many ways, I represent the untold and often overlooked survivor of incarceration. As the child of an incarcerated parent, I was forgotten by the criminal justice system and the reform movement alike.
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We are suffering. Children with incarcerated parents are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, toxic stress and post traumatic stress disorder due to the shame of being separated from a parent and the lack of support. Even the help we do receive carries a stigma, which is traumatizing.
Though I have suffered, I survived.
This holiday season will be the first I share with my dad after more than three decades of separation. I prayed for this for years, envisioning what Christmas mornings with my dad, my siblings and his grandchildren would be like. I treasure every moment that my dad is home and am immensely grateful for him to be free. But the pain resonates. I think of what we have missed and how it has changed me.
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Missing my father over the holiday
For more than three decades, I silently suffered with anger, bitterness and depression. In Christmases past, I couldn’t get out of bed, I ignored my family, I felt abandoned and ashamed. The holiday season served – and in many ways, continues to serve – as a reminder of the traumatic experience of losing my father to incarceration, instead of a time of joy.
I was not and am not alone in my pain. About 10 million children have experienced parental incarceration at some point in their lives. The issue is so widespread that if having an incarcerated parent was considered a chronic health condition, it would be the second most prevalent chronic condition for children under the age of 18 in the United States after asthma.
Parental incarceration can have long lasting impacts on children, compounded by the financial strain and household instability associated with losing a parent. These issues disproportionately impact children of color and those living in poverty.
As my awareness and understanding of this issue grew, my motivation to create change grew as well. In 2017, I founded WE GOT US NOW, a national nonprofit with the express goal of advocating for children and young adults of incarcerated parents. We all carry a responsibility to reimagine the future by investing in the reunification of families. We must advocate for policies that change the inhumane conditions of American family separation due to unjust mass incarceration laws.
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To every child: You are not alone
The holiday season should be a time of joy and togetherness. For millions of children and their families, it is a reminder of what they’ve lost.
For all incarcerated parents, please know that your voice, your letters, your love is what your child needs most during the holiday season and for as long as you are incarcerated.
For every daughter and son dealing with the incarceration of a parent this holiday season I have a message for you: You are seen. You are not alone.
Everyone who knows a child with an incarcerated parent should offer support. Listen to their fears and worries. They will certainly have many.
For all policymakers and criminal justice reform advocates throughout the country, consider how your actions can help repair the lives of millions of children and families impacted by mass incarceration.
And for the rest of us, keep people in mind who have incarcerated loved ones and empty seats at the table this holiday season. Many of them are children, and they need your love and support now more than ever.
Ebony Underwood is the founder/CEO of WE GOT US NOW, a national nonprofit advocacy organization built by, led by and for children and young adults impacted by parental incarceration. In 2021, her father, Bill Underwood, received a compassionate release from federal prison after 33 years.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: As child of incarcerated parent, I was forgotten by reform movement
