Colbert Brutally Mocks Jared and Ivanka’s Secret Service Toilet Debacle

It was a story that seemed like it was written for late-night television.

As the Washington Post lede read, “Many U.S. Secret Service agents have stood guard in Washington’s elite Kalorama neighborhood, home over the years to Cabinet secretaries and former presidents. Those agents have had to worry about death threats, secure perimeters and suspicious strangers. But with the arrival of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, they had a new worry: finding a toilet.”

What followed was an increasingly hilarious and absurd tale about the couple’s refusal to let the Secret Service agents tasked with protecting them use any of their six-and-a-half bathrooms, forcing taxpayers to foot the bill for a $3,000 per month basement studio just so they had somewhere to relieve themselves.

“For those of you who think you couldn’t dislike Jared and Ivanka more, we have an important update,” Stephen Colbert said during his monologue Thursday night before recounting the most absurd details of the story. “Although I do understand the Kushners’ toilets might be very busy right now with Jared and Ivanka flushing their social lives and political futures down them.”

As the Late Show host explained, at first the agents were using a bathroom in a garage at Barack and Michelle Obama’s house down the street but “this solution, too, was short-lived after a Secret Service supervisor from the Trump/Kushner detail left an unpleasant mess in the Obama bathroom.”

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“You messed up Barack Obama’s bathroom?!” Colbert exclaimed. “Come on, the man is retired! He’s literally too old for this shit!?

As for the rented studio, which has cost $100,000 to date, he added. “That is some expensive crap. Which, I have to say, is really on-brand for Ivanka.”

“I was not a fan of this couple before, but it seems particularly douchey of Jared and Ivanka not to [allow] Secret Service in their bathrooms,” Colbert said. “I’m just saying, these are men and women who literally would take a bullet for you. The least you can do is let them take a leak.”

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