Column: 2021 New Year Predictions: Trump forms his own country (Scamsylvania) and pants are outlawed.
Greetings, fellow Americans, and welcome to the sixth-annual edition of Rex Huppke’s 100%-Solid-As-A-Rock-No-Doubt-Guaranteed New Year’s Predictions, a tradition beloved by all.
It has been well-established and scientifically proven (scientific proof will not be provided because it’s top-secret) that I possess the power of precognition, granted to me by aliens during a 1989 abduction. You can real all about it in my yet-to-be-published book, “Things That Definitely Happened Because I Say They Did.”
Past highly accurate predictions have included the Chicago Bears winning Super Bowl LII in January of 2019 (the fact that the Bears didn’t play in that Super Bowl can be attributed to fraud on the part of the National Football League) and my pre-2020 vision that Republicans would declare all crimes “legal,” something they did, but only applied to President Donald Trump.
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Columns are opinion content that reflect the views of the writers.
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Critics may squawk and call me a fake prophet or a “uniquely unskilled predictor of coming events,” but they’re all just mad I featured them in my other yet-to-be-published book, “A Sweeping Compendium of Jerks.”
So without further ado, here are my slam-dunk prognostications for 2021:
Donald Trump Will Become President of “Scamsylvania”
Unable to admit he lost the 2020 presidential election, lame-duck President Donald Trump will declare, a week before President-elect Joe Biden’s inauguration, that he is stepping down as President of America so he can become President of a Florida enclave called Scamsylvania.
Trump will declare his new position “a far greater honor” than the office he previously held, and will say: “There is no greater country than Scamsylvania. While America had to be made great again — by me, which it was — the beautiful and perfect nation Scamsylvania is already great, because I created it.”
The new “country” will be built on 100 acres of south Florida swampland purchased by Trump’s son, Eric, using money Trump supporters donated to his election fight.
Residents of Scamsylvania will pledge fealty to Trump and pay a $50,000 initial membership fee plus $2,999 each month for “lawn care and gator removal.” Residents will also receive a free hat, though a delivery charge of $49.99 will apply.
Pants Will Finally Be Outlawed
With the arrival of the coronavirus vaccine, the nation will slowly begin to return to normal, and once more typical daily routines resume, Americans will collectively recognize what I have long referred to as “the tyranny of pants.”
Having lived largely pants-less though the lockdowns of 2020, an enlightened citizenry will call upon lawmakers to pass legislation barring the use of leg prisons in workplaces and most public spaces.
This will create a huge number of jobs in both the shorts manufacturing and leg lotion industries.
The “Huggers” Will Have to Be Temporarily Incarcerated
A less desirable outcome of the coronavirus pandemic abating will be the potential return of people who, when offered a handshake in pre-pandemic times, would smile and say, “No, put that away. I’m a hugger!”
These human-embrace enthusiasts will likely have more than a year of pent-up hugging adrenaline that could lead to widespread affection assaults and random enfolding.
While shaking hands will hopefully remain taboo, given what we now know about virus transmission, we can’t assume the huggers will be physically able to maintain boundaries.
For that reason, they may need to be rounded up and temporarily incarcerated pending development of a proper deprogramming protocol.
Doctors Will Declare Ice Cream “Medically Necessary”
Because 2020 was, by any reasonable measure, a dreadful, horrible, awful, not-good year, the universe will seek to regain balance.
One of the more significant steps in that direction will be the discovery that ice cream is, contrary to all previous medical research, not only healthy but life-extending.
A team of researchers in the United States and England, funded by a generous grant from the Dairy Queen Institute of Medical Innovation, will find quantitative proof that a bowl of ice cream each night lowers cholesterol, burns calories and adds, on average, 7.9 years to people’s lives. (If chocolate syrup is added, the life span increase jumps to 8.3 years.)
This discovery will almost make people forget how horrendous 2020 was, but not quite.
I Will Wish Readers, Friends And Foe Alike, A Happy New Year
This is, of course, the most surefire of all the predictions.
I will continue, day after day, to feel unbelievably fortunate to have this space, and to have people willing to read my incessant word-babbling.
While some agree and laugh along and others wish I would go far, far away, I wish each and every one of you nothing but the best in 2021.
May the year be happy, healthy and filled with fun.
From my family to yours, most sincerely: Happy New Year!
