Column: Biden picks Kamala Harris. Trump should dump Mike Pence and replace him with a yacht.
Presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden’s decision to choose Sen. Kamala Harris as his running mate leaves President Donald “Scared” Trump with little choice — he needs to dump Vice President Mike Pence.
I know, it’s a shame for both Trump and Pence. The two seemed like a match made in a strange and wildly inaccurate version of heaven.
But Trump will see the fanfare the Harris pick brings — she’s an energetic and experienced lawmaker, a former prosecutor and attorney general, and the first woman of color on a major party ticket — and then he’ll look over at Pence and see a man as electrifying as a dollop of mayonnaise.
For a president who spends most of his time watching TV or tweeting about things he saw on TV, the telegenic Harris will be too much to bear.
Sure, the Trump campaign will start out, as it did moments after Biden’s announcement of his vice presidential pick Tuesday, with attempts to smear Harris for having “embraced the left’s radical manifesto” (speaking of which, someone send me the manifesto, I didn’t get it) and suggesting she will help Biden “surrender control of our nation to the radical mob” and “open our borders” and “appease socialist dictators.”
But Harris presents a problem for those whose thinking has been impaired by Fox News overexposure. She’s not a radical leftist of any sort. She’s a former prosecutor who, if anything, has a prosecutorial background that bothers the far left. A presidential primary campaign and years of public service mean she’s already well-vetted, and her energy and relative youth compared with Biden, and with Trump, for that matter, will give the campaign a spark.
She doesn’t suffer fools lightly and won’t be easy for Trump to pin down with demeaning nicknames or sexist swipes. I’m not saying Harris is perfect, or Biden is an unstoppable force. Not even close.
But Harris is a smart pick, and she’ll give Biden the thing Trump craves most: attention.
That will drive President Me-Me-Me nuts, and you can bet your membership to Mar-a-Lago that come the next round of not-so-great poll numbers, he’ll start seeing Pence’s personality — one part lightly salted mashed potatoes, one part guy whose faux-piety makes you kind of squirmy — as a liability.
And don’t think Pence is indispensable. Trump needed him the first time around to reassure/con evangelical voters into overlooking his history of being a womanizer, a foul-mouthed bully and, well, a Democrat. But Trump has fully Trumpnotized evangelicals. They’ve bitten the Trump-branded apple and he could pick the lyrics to a Marilyn Manson song as his running mate without losing voters.
Imagine the possible ways Trump could spice up his campaign by ditching Milquetoast Mike and firing up his addicted-to-being-fired-up base.
The most noted possibility is former U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley, but she seems tied up lately in a dispute with The Popcorn Factory, an Illinois-based company that apparently messed up some delivery orders.
Haley tweeted Monday: “Ok @PopcornFactory two messed up birthday orders missed delivery dates with no explanation. First time I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Second one tells me not to buy from you again. #DisappointedNephew.”
She’s clearly not in a good position to join the Trump campaign right now. Thoughts and prayers.
But there are other sensible vice presidential suggestions to help get the Trump Train chugging:
An angry can of Goya beans. Not long ago, after the head of Goya Foods praised Trump, the president continued his demolition of political ethics by promoting several of the brand’s cans of beans. People in Trump’s campaign are likely to think this will constitute diversity, and if the can of beans can effectively communicate a message of intolerance, it will perfectly augment Trump’s reelection message.
The MyPillow guy holding a can of angry Goya beans. Trump’s base LOVES Mike Lindell, the CEO and founder of MyPillow, a company that makes pillows that I assume cause liberals neck pain. Pairing Trump with Lindell would energize voters who admire TV salesmen, and the angry Goya beans would just be added value for the campaign.
A yacht emblazoned with Trump banners. This is likely to be Trump’s ideal pick. He has repeatedly tweeted images of yachts and other large boats displaying Trump flags and signs with exclamations like: “We love our boaters!” There’s even a “Boaters for Trump” hat for sale on the Trump campaign website. So why not leverage this sensible appeal to America’s forgotten men and women — the yacht owners who for so long have had no voice — by ditching Pence and replacing him with a sleek Riviera 6000 Sport Yacht. The slogan writes itself: “Trump/Yacht 2020: Make America Buoyant Again!”
The bottom line is that Democratic excitement over Biden’s choice of Harris has to be met with something splashy. And you couldn’t make Pence splashy if you threw him off a Riviera 6000 Sport Yacht.
So go for it, Mr. President. Dump Mike and find the running mate of your reality television dreams. I hear Kanye’s available.
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
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