Column: Biden refuses to play into the Fox News narrative, and it’s making me and Sean Hannity FURIOUS!

As a loyal Fox News viewer, I am disgusted by President Joe Biden’s stubborn and un-American refusal to behave in a way that matches the narrative I have been receiving.

Biden is, I’m told, a senile old man who barely knows he’s there, and also a radical leftist tyrant fiendishly scheming to turn America into a socialist hellscape that outlaws Dr. Seuss and the Bible and, if it exists, the Dr. Seuss version of the Bible.

But when I tuned into the president’s first news conference Thursday, there he was, acting all “not at all like the way Fox News hosts have described him.”

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For starters, at no point during the news conference did Biden trip over something and fall down. He also blatantly — and probably intentionally — failed to completely lose his train of thought and start talking about pancakes.

It was unbelievable. How am I supposed to feel outraged by a 78-year-old man who speaks calmly and seems to have a strong grasp of wide-ranging policy issues that I don’t begin to understand?

Does he expect me to read up on these issues and gain a thoughtful understanding of them so I can form nuanced opinions and identify areas where we might agree or disagree? THAT’S LUNACY!!!

Americans like me just want Biden to stand up, slur some sentences and make a few gaffes that Fox News pundits can replay 322 times a day for the next two weeks. His job is to keep me and my fellow viewers entertained and angry. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution, for Peter Doocy’s sake.

Speaking of which, I’ll at least credit Biden with not calling on Fox News correspondent Peter Doocy, giving my favorite network some material to yell about over the chyron: “Biden Snubs Fox News During First News Conf.”

I mean, I’m a Fox News loyalist, but even I don’t care that much about Peter Doocy, the son of “Fox & Friends” host Steve Doocy. Peter is the lesser of two Doocys, but I guess being able to gripe about the president not taking a question from Fox News is better than nothing. HOW DARE HE!!!

That felt OK, but it’s not the kind of yelling I could have done if Biden had the decency to conform to my preconceived notions of his radicalness. Would it have killed him to show up at the news conference wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt and a bathrobe? Geez.

When asked about immigration and his pigheaded opposition to using catapults to hurl unaccompanied minors back into Mexico, Biden had a perfect opportunity to detail his plans to eliminate all borders, force hardworking Americans to give their lake houses to MS-13 gang members and outlaw the playing of the national anthem.

Instead, he said this: “Rolling back the policies of separating children from their mothers? I make no apology for that. Rolling back the policies of ‘Remain in Mexico,’ sitting on the edge of the Rio Grande in a muddy circumstance with not enough to eat? I make no apologies for that. I make no apologies for ending programs that did not exist before Trump became president that have an incredibly negative impact on the law, international law, as well as on human dignity.”

THAT’S NOT GIVING ME MUCH TO SCREAM AT THE TELEVISION ABOUT, MR. SO-CALLED “PRESIDENT”!!!

What am I or Sean Hannity supposed to say?

“Man, that Biden guy, refusing to separate children from their mothers. What a wacko left-wing monster!”

Asked about China, instead of saying his son Hunter Biden is a Chinese spy who uses a mysterious laptop to run a Ukrainian human trafficking ring, Biden said: “We’re going to make it clear that in order to deal with these things, we are going to hold China accountable, to follow the rules, whether it relates to the South China Sea, the North China Sea or the agreement made on Taiwan or a whole range of other things.”

How unbelievably boring. Who does he think he is, the president?

I imagine the folks at Fox News are as frustrated as I am at Biden’s unwillingness to do things that make it easier to demonize him.

The best we can do at this point is slam him for not living up to Still-President Donald Trump’s news conference performances.

Something like this: “Can you believe Sleepy Joe Biden didn’t degrade a single member of the press corps? What a dope. And he didn’t once bring up the size of his Electoral College win. Who doesn’t at least do that five or six times? He didn’t even declare himself the greatest president in history! Pathetic.”

Nah, it’s just not the same.

We deserve a Democratic president who has the guts to come out, unhinge his jaw, eat a baby, burn an American flag and demonstrate all the fear-inducing liberal traits Fox News has painstakingly crafted to keep me in a near-constant state of paranoia for the past decade.

If Biden keeps speaking in measured, empathetic tones and passing legislation favored by large majorities of voters, where will I find the hyperbolic partisan terror to which my central nervous system has become addicted?

Stop being so selfish, Joe Biden. Get out there and blabber like the desperate and declining yet devious and destructive old codger I was promised you are.

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com