As most rational Americans know, there’s no greater threat to our democracy than Cancel Culture, a thing that exists and is definitely not a made-up term used to soothe white people allergic to consequences.
On Monday, Republican Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio sent a letter to the Democratic chair of the House Judiciary Committee requesting a hearing on Cancel Culture. (I’m capitalizing the term because it’s so important, realizing that puts me at risk of being canceled by the liberal AP Style Police.)
Jordan wrote: “Cancel culture is a dangerous phenomenon whether you agree or disagree with the views being censored. Our society must always promote the free exchange of ideas, not cancel the ideas with which we disagree.”
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That he was able to write this only weeks after trying to have fellow Republican Rep. Liz Cheney removed from her House leadership position because she supported impeaching the last president is a testament to the patriotic elasticity of Jordan’s convictions, and is in no way hypocritical because of liberty and the Constitution and whatnot.
In fact, Jordan demonstrated his bravery by opening his letter with a sentence that glaringly omitted the word “across” — “The wave of cancel culture spreading the nation is a fundamental threat to free speech rights in the United States” — putting him right in the crosshairs of an eager-to-cancel cabal of left-wing clarity scolds.
Not all heroes wear capes, or write good.
Jordan’s demand for a hearing on Cancel Culture came on the heels of the annual meeting of the Conservative Political Action Conference, which this year had the theme, “America Uncanceled.” It was a central rallying cry used to rile up the various uncles in attendance. If you took a shot of tequila every time one of the event’s headliners spoke forebodingly about Cancel Culture, the speeches might start to make sense.
It almost made me want to get canceled so I could embark on a lucrative career in the burgeoning field of WGWACC (White Guys Whining About Cancel Culture). But then I came to my senses.
Cancel Culture is SERIOUS and it must be taken SERIOUSLY by SERIOUS PEOPLE.
There are those who say, “Nobody is getting canceled. They’re getting ‘consequenced.’” To which I say, “‘CONSEQUENCED’ IS NOT A REAL WORD AND YOU SHOULD BE FIRED FOR USING IT!!”
There are also those who say, “Didn’t all you people griping about Cancel Culture do everything you could to demonize former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick and a slew of other players for kneeling during the national anthem?”
To which I say, “How dare you say ‘you people,’ that is offensive to members of the Cancel-Culture-Is-Real-And-Consequences-Don’t-Apply-To-Me community and I will see to it that you are fired, PLEASE GET ME YOUR MANAGER!!!”
If anything, I’d say we’re not worrying enough about Cancel Culture. In fact, I fear the term Cancel Culture itself — along with “Political Correctness,” “Fake News” and “Alternative Facts” — might be losing its power.
We need new terms to stoke fear among people committed to speaking without consequence or regard for how their words might hurt others.
I have some ideas, and they’re important, because people like Jim Jordan and other Cancel Culture doomsayers know that amped-up buzzwords will give the audience the adrenaline rush it craves.
So let’s wean people off Cancel Culture with a steady drip of “State-Mandated Logic.” That’s when Liberal Elites, who we will now refer to as “Radical Left-Wing Emperor Gods,” try to brainwash the masses into believing 2 + 2 = 4.
You know what that kind of hogwash is? It’s “The Tyranny of Common Sense,” enforced by the “Marxist Ignorance Police.”
And do you know what they’re doing when they try to correct a God-fearing American pillow manufacturer who believes it’s unconstitutional for stores to stop selling his pillows just because he keeps saying the 2020 presidential election was rigged by socialist ghosts? They’re “Fact-Boarding” him.
Do you want to live in an America that allows Fact-Boarding? Of course you don’t. That would be giving in to State-Mandated Logic.
And do you know what comes next? Probably “God Vacuuming” and “Mandatory Heathenism.” Because those are both very real things that are very really threatening the fabric of our democracy.
Just ask Jim Jordan. Or the pillow guy. Or any of the many victims of Cancel Culture.
They can all be found speaking loudly, and in a curiously uncanceled manner, about Cancel Culture. And about all the silence it fails to bring.