Column: To give drivers a true Chicago experience, NASCAR must change its course in 2024

NASCAR is coming to Chicago this week, in case you haven’t heard, bringing some of the world’s best race drivers to compete on our downtown streets.

The inaugural NASCAR Chicago Street Race figures to be an epic event in the city’s sports history, and with all our local teams running on empty, it’s a good time to experience something different for a change.

But as talented as Kevin Harvick, Kyle Busch, Bubba Wallace and the rest of the NASCAR drivers are, we’ll never know how they would fare driving in real-life Chicago conditions.

That’s where NASCAR has failed. Instead of racing against each other on a pop-up course in Grant Park that includes Columbus Drive, Michigan Avenue and a small part of Du Sable Lake Shore Drive, NASCAR drivers should be forced to navigate their way around the city with the same obstacles Chicagoans face on a daily basis.

It’s too late to change the Chicago Street Race course for 2023. But here’s hoping these changes are made for next year’s race to ensure a more authentic Chicago driving experience.

1. Instead of starting at Buckingham Fountain, the 2024 race will begin a mile west of the last toll plaza on the Chicago Skyway.

All drivers will be checked by race officials to make sure their I-Pass transponders are functioning and properly mounted on the windshield. Only an experienced Chicago driver knows the right I-Pass lane to choose to get back into the city and avoid lining up behind someone with Ohio plates stuck in a toll booth with the gate down because he thought he could use quarters. NASCAR’s best also will have to learn how to maneuver around other drivers who put it in reverse after getting stuck behind a car without an I-Pass.

2. Exiting the Skyway at Stony Island Avenue, our drivers head north and eventually make their way through Jackson Park, making sure not to get caught in a construction zone near the Obama Library.

Using the Waze app, they’ll soon find the entrance to Du Sable Lake Shore Drive at East 57th Drive near the Museum of Science and Industry, avoiding the desire to check out the German submarine or make a Mold-A-Rama of Abraham Lincoln’s head.

3. Going north on the Drive past Soldier Field, the real pros will separate themselves from the wannabes by putting the pedal to the metal and trying to keep up with random South Siders trying to get by them in the right-hand lane.

NASCAR will instruct the field of drivers not to get caught up staring at the goings-on on the boats in the Playpen when the light turns green, a frequent cause of LSD gridlock.

4. Once they get past Chicago Avenue and sail around the Oak Street curve, they’re home free to Irving Park Road, where a sharp left turn sends them back into the neighborhoods.

Some drivers might get lost taking the wrong Irving exit, winding up at the Syndey R. Marovitz Golf Course. They will be reminded to feed the meters if they stop to ask for directions, because nothing is free in Chicago. The course ventures west on Irving, where red-light cameras will force drivers to slow down to 30 mph or else pay a hefty fine that can be contested by mail but probably won’t work.

5. Heading south on Clark Street, drivers must watch out for the guy on the motorized scooter wearing earbuds who appears oblivious to all traffic signals and cars behind him.

As they speed south on Clark past the Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field, racing fans from all over will have gathered at the DraftKings Sportsbook to watch the race on a hundred flatscreen TVs and bet on which car crashes first. (Note: When in Wrigleyville, always beware of rickshaws and the notorious Lakeview Party Bus that already has smashed into several parked cars on Roscoe Street and doesn’t mind denting one more.)

6. Zooming past Al’s Beef and Binny’s, we come to our only pit stop, at the Wiener’s Circle on Clark and Wrightwood Avenue.

Beloved counter employee “Poochie” will be outside to hand out hot dogs and deliver curbside abuse — individualized, profane-laded insults tailored for each NASCAR driver — during their respective pit stops.

7. If an earful of Poochie’s insults don’t cause drivers to quit en masse ...

... our NASCAR heroes will continue down Clark before turning east on Fullerton Avenue, where a steady stream of Amazon Prime, UPS and FedEx trucks and a couple of DoorDash drivers provide a series of obstacles by double-parking while making deliveries on a crowded two-way street.

8. Soon enough they’ll wind up on Cannon Drive and make their way back to the Drive, heading south this time.

Chicago bike riders, like motorized scooter guys, are oblivious to the sound of turbocharged engines and will straddle the line of the dedicated bike lane, forcing drivers to weave around them. “On your right!” is their mantra.

9. Traffic slows to a crawl as the course goes past the Drake Hotel and around the curve at Oak Street Beach.

But in no time our drivers will scooch over to the right-hand lane and exit at Grand Avenue, making their way toward Lower Wacker Drive. Driving skills will be put to the test here, competing against suburbanites wearing sunglasses while trying to replicate the chase scene from “The Blue Brothers.”

10. Exiting on Van Buren Street, our course takes another hard left on Canal Street, where White Sox fans will be taking their secret backdoor route to Sox Park because of congestion on the Drive from the NASCAR race.

From Canal, the course changes directions once again, heading east on Cermak Road to Michigan Avenue, where drivers head north on the last leg of the race. Jaywalkers, Divvy DIVVY riders and a handful of near-empty CTA buses driving one behind the other will be the final obstacles on the way to the finish line.

11. Before they know it, NASCAR’s finest will pull into Millennium Park.

An old man or woman in an orange vest will be waiting at the Bean waving the checkered flag, or maybe just instructing you to “Move it, bud. Let’s GO, GO, GO.” That’s usually the default direction drivers recieve from Chicago’s orange-vested traffic directors, who seem to have more power than cops.

While our proposed Chicago Street Race course might be a little shorter than this year’s race and a tad more dangerous, at least the NASCAR drivers who make it to the finish line can say they’ve done it all.

Well, except for merging into one lane on the Kennedy at rush hour.

Save that one for 2025.