Column: For every Super Bowl commercial success, there are dozens of flops. To avoid real-life bashing, we present 18 hypothetical ads.
Somehow over the last 54 years, Super Bowl commercials have become as important a part of the Super Bowl as the game itself.
The week before the game is devoted to teasers of upcoming ads. The day after is filled with rankings of the best and worst of the bunch.
As my colleague Phil Rosenthal wrote, we all remember the classics such as “Mean Joe” Greene and the kid who hands him a Coke, Cindy Crawford drinking a Pepsi in her Daisy Dukes, Apple’s “1984” ad and Budweiser’s “Wassup” guys going “Wassup?”
But for every Super Bowl commercial success, there are dozens more that flop, whether it’s because of bad writing, poor execution, the wrong celebrity endorser or just a failure to match the zeitgeist of the era.
To find the worst of the worst, we’ve dug through our dusty VHS archives to discover the 18 least successful Super Bowl ads of all time — which may or may not have actually aired — listed in chronological order.
1967: Tab ‘It’s Time for a Tab!’
Cindy Crawford was only 1 when the first Super Bowl took place, and it wasn’t even called the Super Bowl then. But ad-makers still had half-baked ideas like this one, in which Edgar Buchanan (Uncle Joe from “Petticoat Junction”) plays a cranky grandpa offered a Tab by his precocious grandson, Billy Mumy (Will Robinson from “Lost In Space”). Grandpa chugs it, belches and falls asleep in rocking chair.
1969: Lucky Strikes ‘Cool as Earl’
Joe Namath proved to be too expensive to hire, so Lucky Strikes turns to Baltimore Colts quarterback Earl Morrall for its Super Bowl III ad. Morrall reveals his special training routine — Lucky Strikes and a couple of cold ones — with the unfortunate tagline: “I guarantee a smooth taste.”
1972: VW Beetle ‘Get It On’
Not every rock song worked well in a car commercial, as Volkswagen discovered by pairing T. Rex’s “Get It On” with scenes of Dustin Hoffman cruising down a highway in a cherry red Beetle. Sales plummet.
1976: Chrysler ‘Happy Birthday America’
Foster Brooks narrates a live salute to the bicentennial while driving his new Chrysler LeBaron but stutters when it comes time to pronounce “bicentennial.”
1979: McDonald’s ‘McChurro Deluxe’
Chevy Chase makes goofy faces while sampling the new McDonald’s breakfast churro with secret sauce. The McChurro is quickly retired from the breakfast menu.
1983: Radio Shack ‘Future is Now’
One year before Apple’s rules-bending “1984” ad, Radio Shack’s 60-second spot for its TRS-80 Model 100 computer airs, touting its innovative 300-bps dial-up modem with couplers that hook up to both ends of the phone and emits a screeching noise. The ad makes little impact. Outside of sports writers, no one buys a TRS-80 Model 100.
1987: Miller Lite ‘Tastes Great, Less Filling’
The popular “Tastes Great, Less Filling” series takes an ugly turn when Billy Martin takes a bat to Dick Vitale’s head and starts a real brouhaha at the Miller Lite softball game.
1995: Bud Light ‘Armadillos’
Hoping to emulate the success of the Budweiser frogs, Bud Light takes it up a notch. An army of dead armadillos on a Texas highway wakes up en masse and sings the praises of Bud Light. But even Sam Elliott’s narration can’t help.
1998: Pizza Hut ‘Triple-Decker Pizza’
Pizza Hut’s groundbreaking concept — pizza crust, ingredients and more pizza crust — debuts with disastrous results because of the unfortunate casting of Pauly Shore and Richard Simmons as celebrity endorsers.
1999: Sony Betamax ’1999 1/4 u2032
Pop star Prince plays himself in a humorous spot, trying to stay up late on New Years’ Eve to “party like it’s 1999.” Instead he gets tired and decides to tape “Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve” on his trusty Betamax.
2000: E-Trade ‘Monkeys Vs. Wall Street’
Savvy monkeys using E-Trade’s website outsmart Wall Street investors by banding together to buy up shares of bankrupt companies. Well ahead of its time.
2002: Budweiser ‘America Was Made By Americans’
Five months after the 9/11 attacks, Bud presents a patriotic salute with vignettes on what made America great from celebrities Donald Trump, Jon Voight, James Woods, Mike Ditka, Scott Baio and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
2005: Budweiser Natural Light ‘Dude, where’s my Natty Light?’
Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott prank their celebrity pals by hiding their Natty Lights in inappropriate places. Kills any chances of a sequel.
2008: Johnsonville Original Brats ‘Brats Love Brats’
“Brat Pack” alumni Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, Rob Lowe and Emilio Estevez reunite at Anthony Michael Hall’s townhouse to barbecue and learn about love, life and the delicious taste of a Johnsonville brat. Turns out no one remembers anyone from the Brat Pack except Demi Moore.
2010: Gatorade ‘Be Like Jay’
Following the wild success of its “Be Like Mike” commercial, Gatorade turns to another budding Chicago athlete, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. Gatorade soon discovers no one wants to be like Jay except teenage boys with behavioral issues.
2012: Facebook ‘All In This Together’
A tear-jerker from the growing social media company features ordinary Americans envisioning a future of unity and empathy by connecting on Facebook as Britney Spears belts out “Till The World Ends.” Got no likes on Facebook.
2014: Google Glasses ‘Revolution’
Google pays an all-time record fee for the rights to “Revolution,” pairing the Beatles classic with the debut of its new, high-tech Google Glasses. “Glass Onion” would’ve sufficed. Google Glasses become obsolete by Christmas.
2019: Progressive Insurance ‘Baker and Flo’
Promoting Progressive’s new catastrophic ground collapse rate, TV’s most annoying commercial characters — Cleveland Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield and Flo — team up to kidnap Jake from State Farm. All three are swallowed up in a massive Florida sinkhole. Unfortunately Mayfield and Flo survive to make more cloying ads.
